Abuse Me...I Do

I remember being so cracked out from shooting up meth for so many days in a row that I just passed out on the toilette for a couple of hours...this was a public toilette.  The tweaker dude I was using with (who I always used with) found me finally, woke me up, yelled at me and then punched me in the face, calling me every name in the book.  I was stunned and hurt....but it was par for the course, really. I was used to being abused by then.  I was consistently called crazy, stupid...demeaned, lied to, humiliated and made to feel like trash. This was not the only person to do this to me. 

At this point in my life and recovery, it is hard to imagine why I would allow anyone to treat me this way.  Why didn't I run at the first sign of abuse?  Why didn't I stand up for myself and the injustice?  Why would I allow anyone to call me crazy, stupid, trash? 

WHY?

I now know why.  My sponsor told me that I will only allow someone else to treat me as badly as I treat myself.  As soon as they treat me worse than I treat myself, I will stop it...I won't allow it.  Ummm, ok....but I didn't hit myself.  I didn't call myself names and demean myself.....or did I?

Getting to some of my core beliefs about myself and about God has been a little trickier than I thought it would be.  Here is a simplification of the process that has helped me get to the core issues:

1. What are my problem causing behaviors?  ex: getting high; compulsive sex

2. What are the feelings I have surrounding these behaviors? ex: shame; anger; frustration

3. What are the thoughts I have ABOUT MYSELF surrounding these behaviors? ex: I am bad; I am dirty; I &%$^ everything up...always; there is no hope for me

These internal thoughts or "self-talk" didn't start with the drug use or sexually promiscuous behavior.  It started when I began feeling shame and like there is something wrong with me.  Lots of people feel that way at some point.  And...if these feelings and thoughts aren't rebutted, but reinforced by our own agreement, as well as the opinion and input of others, then confirmed by our life experience....WELL...it becomes part of our internal belief system about ourselves...OUR CORE BELIEFS.

It is only natural then for me to attract and even welcome others who can help me prove what I believe about myself to be correct.  "I am worthless...I am hopeless...I don't deserve good things...I always destroy everything...I can't have love that is pure...I can't have purpose here on earth"  I believed it...why shouldn't they?  They were only agreeing with me and treating me how I felt I deserved to be treated.  I might as well have put out a welcome mat.

Recently, I have been dealing with my core beliefs about myself and addressing my internal self-talk.  I am learning to be very careful with my words and quickly address negative feelings about myself or others.  I am constantly reminding myself of my value and worth by saying out loud, "God loves me."  I am saying it probably 30 times a day.  I recently wrote a statement to myself that reads, "You are welcome here...You are accepted by God...You are, therefore, worthy of love from God and others...You are of value as a human being...You are worthy of recovery and sobriety...You have a calling and a destiny here on this earth...I love you and God adores you."  I say this to myself, out loud.

I will no longer attract abusers.  I will no longer try to destroy my life.  I will no longer be fertile soil for negative and condemning words.  Why?  Because, I don't agree with those core statements anymore.  I don't believe that they are true.  So, if a spoon of bullshit soup starts coming toward me from a bowl of negativity...I tell them that I am on a NO-GARB diet.  I have had enough.  I get my sustenance from the Word of God and His Spirit living inside of me...which leads me into all truth....Mmm, Mmm, Mmm....and it tastes sooooo good. :-)

Psalm 34:8 (MSG) "Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is.  Blessed are you who run to Him."

Drugs and Porn Debulking Surgery

I have had a procedure done that has significantly reduced my cravings for drugs and to get high. As a matter of fact, I haven't had any cravings at all, haven't been triggered or had any desire to anesthetize my feelings or escape.  I also have noticed that my compulsion toward sex and especially porn has dramatically decreased. 

What is this miraculous, life-changing surgery?  Debulking: "removal of a major portion of the material that composes a lesion, such as the surgical removal of most of a tumor so that there is less tumor load for subsequent treatment." The debulking was opening up my life, the dark places of secrecy, dishonesty, hiding, pretending, harboring shame, and living in fear....letting the light in...and walking forward in total authenticity. 

All that confusion, fear and especially SHAME, was like a tumor.  It just kept growing and growing and seemed to take over my life.  It hurt.  It made me afraid.  It made me confused about whether God was proud of me or shaking His head in disappointment. It made me want to find any way possible to get out of my head and heart and the pain of dealing with it.  It took all of my energy.  I just wanted 'it' to go away or I wanted me to go away.

Regardless of what anyone's opinion is of my life choices, the act of coming into a place of real authenticity is a powerful thing.  I don't feel any sort of block between me and God.  As a matter of fact, I have felt the desire to cling to Him like never before. I feel like I am standing as a man, alone, before God...asking Him to guide me, direct me, speak to me....and especially, please don't let me go.

Now, I do feel like I have had surgery. LOL.  I feel pretty sensitive emotionally and a little exhausted over the whole ordeal.  But, I feel PEACE. YAY!!!!!   I feel good inside.  I feel joy when I am alone and around others.  I feel excited when I am spending time with my Heavenly Father.  I feel hope for my future.  I feel a passion inside of me to seek God, to know Him.  I don't feel afraid.

Does this mean I can stop working on my drug addiction and sexual compulsion recovery?  Heck no.  It means I am free to 'grab it by the balls'.  I want recovery...I want sobriety...I want healthy living.   And I will have it!

Just for today, I am grateful...
Just for today, I am sex and drug free...
Just for today, I'm freakin' smiling from ear to ear.