For many years, my Father would go out to the road where I departed and call out for me. He would call out that He still wanted me and that whatever I had done and wherever I had been, it would not keep me from His love.
You see, I did not understand a Father's love. I thought I knew what He wanted me to be and do. I thought I knew His expectations. I thought I knew what had to be done to warrant His embrace. But I felt that I was unworthy for my Father's house. I could never live up to the expectations I had constructed in my mind. As much as I tried, I could not seem to achieve the model befitting of an heir.
So, I left...
I left with my gifts, talents and abilities and squandered them on trying to build a life that might replicate the one I had abandoned. I tried to make my own name great. I tried to display my talents as my own. I tried to be benevolent with the gifts afforded my life.
But the inheritance I took with me ran out. I had nothing left to give. I was empty and afraid. I became angry that I could not be part of the rich life I left behind and disappointed that I could not make it on my own.
So, I resigned to live the life of a beggar and a servant. I served my base desires and begged for more of what would not fill me. I was bereft of hope and sorely needing answers.
It was just then, I heard what seemed to be a familiar voice. I barely recognized it, but it instantly soothed me. With what strength I had left, I crawled toward it. The closer I came, the stronger the sound...was it my Father?
Could it be? But I had traveled so far? ...and not even the company I was keeping could recognize me. For a moment, I thought of how dirty I was and how I had squandered everything my Father gave to me. But the sound of His voice....YES, it was my Father!
I tried to get to my feet but my strength failed and I fell to my knees. I could go no further. But the voice grew stronger and I could hear Him say, "I am coming! Here I come! I am coming to get you, my son! I still love you! Your Daddy still loves you! PRODIGAL SON!!!...come back to my heart!"
I couldn't look up as He reached me. I was ashamed of what I had become. All I could see were the tears on the ground beneath me. Then I saw His tears splash into mine. He grabbed my chin and lifted my face. He wiped my tears and told me that there is nothing that can separate me from His love. I tried to explain what I had done and that I would be happy to take the scraps from His table...that begging at His table would be better than dining in hopelessness.
At that, He lifted me into His arms and placed on me the robe of righteousness. He called out into the air..."this is my son! he has finally come home!"
There are many things I do not know...many things I do not understand. But, one thing I do know is that my Father loves me. He has gone to the ends of the earth to reach me. He has shown me that grace has no limits and His forgiveness keeps no record of wrong.
I am the recipient of the unending, limitless, unfathomable LOVE of God expressed through Jesus Christ, His Son.
I thank God today that I did not and do not have to die in hopelessness. God is not calling you and me to clean up and get up. He calls out for us to come home to His loving arms and receive the gift of righteousness through Jesus.
Tomorrow is not promised!
(P.S. Dear Alex, R.I.P. ...let me honor your death by proclaiming the hope of salvation in Jesus Christ. ...that no one else should die before hearing me proclaim it)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
My Chains
What does freedom look like?
I imagine a prisoner, held in a dark dungeon, bound by chains for years and years. The chains and shackles hurt his wrists and the cold, hard floor don't make for a comfortable bed. The prisoner dreams of one day seeing the sky and running around in the light of the sun. Then, one day the shackles are broken and the prisoner is told, BE FREE!
The man is overjoyed and bolts toward the open air. The sun is warm and the grass is soft. There is opportunity everywhere. But the man soon realizes that he doesn't know where to go or where he will work or where he should sleep or with whom he should associate...he doesn't know how to live life as a free man. So, he retreats to the dark, cold familiarity of the dungeon and grabs ahold of his chains...and continues to wonder what it would be like to live a life of freedom.
This has been my story of recovery. I have been set free from the shackles of bondage and addiction, but learning to live the life of a free man has not come easily. I have had to relearn everything...how to develop healthy friendships, how to spend my free time, how to be a responsible adult, how to respect myself and others, how to work, how to manage money, how to love, how to relate to God...EVERYTHING!
This past Sunday, I came to the altar at church, in response to a "Call to respond". I knelt, with my face in my hands and cried...and prayed. I let it all go. I told God how tired I was of trying to figure all of this out. I asked Him to take everything...all of my fears, hopes, disappointments, failures, dreams, even my relationship with Him...and guide me into a new season. I cried out, "I don't want to hold anything back. I don't want to be in charge of any part of my life. I am not good at it." I asked Him to take charge of it all. I asked Him to fill me with His presence and show me how to live this life of freedom.
God heard my cry for help.
I am experiencing what feels like a personal revival. I feel like I am grabbing ahold of God, but I am pretty sure He is grabbing ahold of me. I am daily placing my chains and shackles in His hands...so that I don't reach for them in a moment of fear or weakness. I am taking Him by the hand, so that He can lead me out into the warm light of the Son.
I imagine a prisoner, held in a dark dungeon, bound by chains for years and years. The chains and shackles hurt his wrists and the cold, hard floor don't make for a comfortable bed. The prisoner dreams of one day seeing the sky and running around in the light of the sun. Then, one day the shackles are broken and the prisoner is told, BE FREE!
The man is overjoyed and bolts toward the open air. The sun is warm and the grass is soft. There is opportunity everywhere. But the man soon realizes that he doesn't know where to go or where he will work or where he should sleep or with whom he should associate...he doesn't know how to live life as a free man. So, he retreats to the dark, cold familiarity of the dungeon and grabs ahold of his chains...and continues to wonder what it would be like to live a life of freedom.
This has been my story of recovery. I have been set free from the shackles of bondage and addiction, but learning to live the life of a free man has not come easily. I have had to relearn everything...how to develop healthy friendships, how to spend my free time, how to be a responsible adult, how to respect myself and others, how to work, how to manage money, how to love, how to relate to God...EVERYTHING!
This past Sunday, I came to the altar at church, in response to a "Call to respond". I knelt, with my face in my hands and cried...and prayed. I let it all go. I told God how tired I was of trying to figure all of this out. I asked Him to take everything...all of my fears, hopes, disappointments, failures, dreams, even my relationship with Him...and guide me into a new season. I cried out, "I don't want to hold anything back. I don't want to be in charge of any part of my life. I am not good at it." I asked Him to take charge of it all. I asked Him to fill me with His presence and show me how to live this life of freedom.
God heard my cry for help.
I am experiencing what feels like a personal revival. I feel like I am grabbing ahold of God, but I am pretty sure He is grabbing ahold of me. I am daily placing my chains and shackles in His hands...so that I don't reach for them in a moment of fear or weakness. I am taking Him by the hand, so that He can lead me out into the warm light of the Son.
I realize that I still don't know how to do it...to live life as a free man. But I do know that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. He asks us to stand firm and not let ourselves be burdened again with a yoke of slavery. So, for now, I will let Him lead me where I cannot lead myself.
God Help me to live in FREEDOM!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Shattered Beyond Repair
I am starting to realize that I am broken in so many areas of my life that I am just shattered beyond repair. I have lived in addiction for so long, it has altered my brain chemistry and even damaged my body. I have screwed myself up sexually so much that I need professional help just to sort out some of the issues. Financial responsibility...money is like water in my hands. My walk with God...I seem to go from hot to cold to hot to cold spiritually...from one week to the next. A career...what's that? ...don't ask me. Relationships...ummm, sometimes I don't even know if I am being genuine to strangers and loved ones alike.
Have you ever had a vase or fragile item that fell and broke into hundreds of pieces? You just look at it and realize that there is no way that it can ever be put back together to be what it once was. I believe that's me. I was just laying on my bed thinking about the hundreds of pieces of brokenness in my life. There is no way that my life could ever be put back together to look like what it once did. I can never follow the path that I always thought I would. I can never be what I always thought I would be.
Then I felt God's Spirit inside me say, "you are exactly right!" What?!?! ....that was not the affirming word I was looking for. Then I heard, "...some vessels must be broken into many pieces so that something totally different can be formed...something that doesn't even resemble the former vessel...it will be made of the same material and will have the same color and texture...but it will be a brand new shape and design...and it will have tiny little cracks all over it...so, yes, everyone will know that it was once shattered into many pieces and was very broken...it will be used for a new purpose and will show others who are shattered that there is hope for a broken vessel."
As with any vase or fragile item that has shattered, it takes time to pick up the pieces. That is what is happening with me now. Piece by piece, The Potter is forming something new and beautiful out of my brokenness. Sometimes it hurts...and sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I feel impatient because I can't tell what He is making and I feel useless. Sometimes I cry because some of the people I love have been cut by the sharp edges of my brokenness. Sometimes I feel regret because there was a measure of beauty to the vessel that I was before. But most of all, I am just grateful that all of the pieces are in The Potter's hand...my most loving Heavenly Father. He's pretty good at creating things.
...and as I am fond of saying: I love my Father...He loves me...and He'll never let me go!
Have you ever had a vase or fragile item that fell and broke into hundreds of pieces? You just look at it and realize that there is no way that it can ever be put back together to be what it once was. I believe that's me. I was just laying on my bed thinking about the hundreds of pieces of brokenness in my life. There is no way that my life could ever be put back together to look like what it once did. I can never follow the path that I always thought I would. I can never be what I always thought I would be.
Then I felt God's Spirit inside me say, "you are exactly right!" What?!?! ....that was not the affirming word I was looking for. Then I heard, "...some vessels must be broken into many pieces so that something totally different can be formed...something that doesn't even resemble the former vessel...it will be made of the same material and will have the same color and texture...but it will be a brand new shape and design...and it will have tiny little cracks all over it...so, yes, everyone will know that it was once shattered into many pieces and was very broken...it will be used for a new purpose and will show others who are shattered that there is hope for a broken vessel."
As with any vase or fragile item that has shattered, it takes time to pick up the pieces. That is what is happening with me now. Piece by piece, The Potter is forming something new and beautiful out of my brokenness. Sometimes it hurts...and sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I feel impatient because I can't tell what He is making and I feel useless. Sometimes I cry because some of the people I love have been cut by the sharp edges of my brokenness. Sometimes I feel regret because there was a measure of beauty to the vessel that I was before. But most of all, I am just grateful that all of the pieces are in The Potter's hand...my most loving Heavenly Father. He's pretty good at creating things.
...and as I am fond of saying: I love my Father...He loves me...and He'll never let me go!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Abuse Me...I Do
I remember being so cracked out from shooting up meth for so many days in a row that I just passed out on the toilette for a couple of hours...this was a public toilette. The tweaker dude I was using with (who I always used with) found me finally, woke me up, yelled at me and then punched me in the face, calling me every name in the book. I was stunned and hurt....but it was par for the course, really. I was used to being abused by then. I was consistently called crazy, stupid...demeaned, lied to, humiliated and made to feel like trash. This was not the only person to do this to me.
At this point in my life and recovery, it is hard to imagine why I would allow anyone to treat me this way. Why didn't I run at the first sign of abuse? Why didn't I stand up for myself and the injustice? Why would I allow anyone to call me crazy, stupid, trash?
WHY?
I now know why. My sponsor told me that I will only allow someone else to treat me as badly as I treat myself. As soon as they treat me worse than I treat myself, I will stop it...I won't allow it. Ummm, ok....but I didn't hit myself. I didn't call myself names and demean myself.....or did I?
Getting to some of my core beliefs about myself and about God has been a little trickier than I thought it would be. Here is a simplification of the process that has helped me get to the core issues:
1. What are my problem causing behaviors? ex: getting high; compulsive sex
2. What are the feelings I have surrounding these behaviors? ex: shame; anger; frustration
3. What are the thoughts I have ABOUT MYSELF surrounding these behaviors? ex: I am bad; I am dirty; I &%$^ everything up...always; there is no hope for me
These internal thoughts or "self-talk" didn't start with the drug use or sexually promiscuous behavior. It started when I began feeling shame and like there is something wrong with me. Lots of people feel that way at some point. And...if these feelings and thoughts aren't rebutted, but reinforced by our own agreement, as well as the opinion and input of others, then confirmed by our life experience....WELL...it becomes part of our internal belief system about ourselves...OUR CORE BELIEFS.
It is only natural then for me to attract and even welcome others who can help me prove what I believe about myself to be correct. "I am worthless...I am hopeless...I don't deserve good things...I always destroy everything...I can't have love that is pure...I can't have purpose here on earth" I believed it...why shouldn't they? They were only agreeing with me and treating me how I felt I deserved to be treated. I might as well have put out a welcome mat.
Recently, I have been dealing with my core beliefs about myself and addressing my internal self-talk. I am learning to be very careful with my words and quickly address negative feelings about myself or others. I am constantly reminding myself of my value and worth by saying out loud, "God loves me." I am saying it probably 30 times a day. I recently wrote a statement to myself that reads, "You are welcome here...You are accepted by God...You are, therefore, worthy of love from God and others...You are of value as a human being...You are worthy of recovery and sobriety...You have a calling and a destiny here on this earth...I love you and God adores you." I say this to myself, out loud.
I will no longer attract abusers. I will no longer try to destroy my life. I will no longer be fertile soil for negative and condemning words. Why? Because, I don't agree with those core statements anymore. I don't believe that they are true. So, if a spoon of bullshit soup starts coming toward me from a bowl of negativity...I tell them that I am on a NO-GARB diet. I have had enough. I get my sustenance from the Word of God and His Spirit living inside of me...which leads me into all truth....Mmm, Mmm, Mmm....and it tastes sooooo good. :-)
Psalm 34:8 (MSG) "Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is. Blessed are you who run to Him."
At this point in my life and recovery, it is hard to imagine why I would allow anyone to treat me this way. Why didn't I run at the first sign of abuse? Why didn't I stand up for myself and the injustice? Why would I allow anyone to call me crazy, stupid, trash?
WHY?
I now know why. My sponsor told me that I will only allow someone else to treat me as badly as I treat myself. As soon as they treat me worse than I treat myself, I will stop it...I won't allow it. Ummm, ok....but I didn't hit myself. I didn't call myself names and demean myself.....or did I?
Getting to some of my core beliefs about myself and about God has been a little trickier than I thought it would be. Here is a simplification of the process that has helped me get to the core issues:
1. What are my problem causing behaviors? ex: getting high; compulsive sex
2. What are the feelings I have surrounding these behaviors? ex: shame; anger; frustration
3. What are the thoughts I have ABOUT MYSELF surrounding these behaviors? ex: I am bad; I am dirty; I &%$^ everything up...always; there is no hope for me
These internal thoughts or "self-talk" didn't start with the drug use or sexually promiscuous behavior. It started when I began feeling shame and like there is something wrong with me. Lots of people feel that way at some point. And...if these feelings and thoughts aren't rebutted, but reinforced by our own agreement, as well as the opinion and input of others, then confirmed by our life experience....WELL...it becomes part of our internal belief system about ourselves...OUR CORE BELIEFS.
It is only natural then for me to attract and even welcome others who can help me prove what I believe about myself to be correct. "I am worthless...I am hopeless...I don't deserve good things...I always destroy everything...I can't have love that is pure...I can't have purpose here on earth" I believed it...why shouldn't they? They were only agreeing with me and treating me how I felt I deserved to be treated. I might as well have put out a welcome mat.
Recently, I have been dealing with my core beliefs about myself and addressing my internal self-talk. I am learning to be very careful with my words and quickly address negative feelings about myself or others. I am constantly reminding myself of my value and worth by saying out loud, "God loves me." I am saying it probably 30 times a day. I recently wrote a statement to myself that reads, "You are welcome here...You are accepted by God...You are, therefore, worthy of love from God and others...You are of value as a human being...You are worthy of recovery and sobriety...You have a calling and a destiny here on this earth...I love you and God adores you." I say this to myself, out loud.
I will no longer attract abusers. I will no longer try to destroy my life. I will no longer be fertile soil for negative and condemning words. Why? Because, I don't agree with those core statements anymore. I don't believe that they are true. So, if a spoon of bullshit soup starts coming toward me from a bowl of negativity...I tell them that I am on a NO-GARB diet. I have had enough. I get my sustenance from the Word of God and His Spirit living inside of me...which leads me into all truth....Mmm, Mmm, Mmm....and it tastes sooooo good. :-)
Psalm 34:8 (MSG) "Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is. Blessed are you who run to Him."
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Drugs and Porn Debulking Surgery
I have had a procedure done that has significantly reduced my cravings for drugs and to get high. As a matter of fact, I haven't had any cravings at all, haven't been triggered or had any desire to anesthetize my feelings or escape. I also have noticed that my compulsion toward sex and especially porn has dramatically decreased.
What is this miraculous, life-changing surgery? Debulking: "removal of a major portion of the material that composes a lesion, such as the surgical removal of most of a tumor so that there is less tumor load for subsequent treatment." The debulking was opening up my life, the dark places of secrecy, dishonesty, hiding, pretending, harboring shame, and living in fear....letting the light in...and walking forward in total authenticity.
All that confusion, fear and especially SHAME, was like a tumor. It just kept growing and growing and seemed to take over my life. It hurt. It made me afraid. It made me confused about whether God was proud of me or shaking His head in disappointment. It made me want to find any way possible to get out of my head and heart and the pain of dealing with it. It took all of my energy. I just wanted 'it' to go away or I wanted me to go away.
Regardless of what anyone's opinion is of my life choices, the act of coming into a place of real authenticity is a powerful thing. I don't feel any sort of block between me and God. As a matter of fact, I have felt the desire to cling to Him like never before. I feel like I am standing as a man, alone, before God...asking Him to guide me, direct me, speak to me....and especially, please don't let me go.
Now, I do feel like I have had surgery. LOL. I feel pretty sensitive emotionally and a little exhausted over the whole ordeal. But, I feel PEACE. YAY!!!!! I feel good inside. I feel joy when I am alone and around others. I feel excited when I am spending time with my Heavenly Father. I feel hope for my future. I feel a passion inside of me to seek God, to know Him. I don't feel afraid.
Does this mean I can stop working on my drug addiction and sexual compulsion recovery? Heck no. It means I am free to 'grab it by the balls'. I want recovery...I want sobriety...I want healthy living. And I will have it!
Just for today, I am grateful...
Just for today, I am sex and drug free...
Just for today, I'm freakin' smiling from ear to ear.
What is this miraculous, life-changing surgery? Debulking: "removal of a major portion of the material that composes a lesion, such as the surgical removal of most of a tumor so that there is less tumor load for subsequent treatment." The debulking was opening up my life, the dark places of secrecy, dishonesty, hiding, pretending, harboring shame, and living in fear....letting the light in...and walking forward in total authenticity.
All that confusion, fear and especially SHAME, was like a tumor. It just kept growing and growing and seemed to take over my life. It hurt. It made me afraid. It made me confused about whether God was proud of me or shaking His head in disappointment. It made me want to find any way possible to get out of my head and heart and the pain of dealing with it. It took all of my energy. I just wanted 'it' to go away or I wanted me to go away.
Regardless of what anyone's opinion is of my life choices, the act of coming into a place of real authenticity is a powerful thing. I don't feel any sort of block between me and God. As a matter of fact, I have felt the desire to cling to Him like never before. I feel like I am standing as a man, alone, before God...asking Him to guide me, direct me, speak to me....and especially, please don't let me go.
Now, I do feel like I have had surgery. LOL. I feel pretty sensitive emotionally and a little exhausted over the whole ordeal. But, I feel PEACE. YAY!!!!! I feel good inside. I feel joy when I am alone and around others. I feel excited when I am spending time with my Heavenly Father. I feel hope for my future. I feel a passion inside of me to seek God, to know Him. I don't feel afraid.
Does this mean I can stop working on my drug addiction and sexual compulsion recovery? Heck no. It means I am free to 'grab it by the balls'. I want recovery...I want sobriety...I want healthy living. And I will have it!
Just for today, I am grateful...
Just for today, I am sex and drug free...
Just for today, I'm freakin' smiling from ear to ear.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
I'm a Christian...I'm Gay
I am a Christian. I am gay. I love Jesus with all of my heart. I am deeply committed to following, whole heartedly, after God. I believe God has a purpose and a plan for my life. I believe God loves me more than I could ever understand. I am gay.
I have lived most of my life believing that who I am is an abomination, a sin, disgusting, perverted, condemned, set apart for hell, dark, shameful and pitiable. I spent years and years, since I was a boy, begging for God to change me, crying, hiding, loathing myself, wishing I could have a 'normal' problem. I spent 7 years in reparative therapy, inner healing, deliverance, exorcism, and discipleship...committing my life to the process of changing my sexual orientation. I mean, if God hates gay, then He will surely change it. I believed that 100% ...I cannot express in words, the level of intensity with which I have sought God, begged, fought, repented, wept, screamed, nearly lost my mind and many times just wanted to die....even begging God to take my life. I have spoken with some of the best and brightest therapists, some of the world's leading Christian ministers, read nearly every book on the subject, subjected myself to various programs.....all leaving me more disillusioned than before. ....and still gay.
It seems so easy for straight Christians to spout off what God thinks of it and what the bible says. It doesn't seem to bother them that they have never even studied the bible, the cultural context, the original language, the interpretation...sought God honestly and deeply about the subject...and in a simple phrase, shatter my entire world and sense of hope for this life and the next.
Imagine how horrified we Christians would be to find out from God himself that we had sent thousands, even millions away...'in His name'...to have Him say, "these are also my chosen ones and you are the ones who are deceived." Thousands of gay men and women commit suicide every year for this very reason. They are rejected by their families and told that they are rejected by God...unless, of course, they change.... something which they cannot.
Just this week, Exodus International...the most prominent organization ministering to gay people to help them walk out of homosexuality...closed it's doors, with a public apology for all of the harm it had caused.
Maybe you don't realize it, but much of the Christian world is awakening to the beautiful fact that God loves gay men and women and doesn't condemn them or a committed love relationship between two men or two women. Don't believe it? Why? ...because that's what the bible says? Does it?
If you care about me at all, I would challenge you to check out www.matthewvines.com and watch the video. You don't have to agree, but at least you will have made an effort to seek God and gain understanding on behalf of someone you care about....and so many others who have lost hope.
Coming to an understanding of God's love for me as a gay man is the ONLY reason I am not using drugs today. I still struggle against a lifetime of condemning belief and self loathing. But, I am letting God teach me and lead me into a life I could have never imagined.
I realize that I may lose a lot of friends by writing this. This may close many doors of opportunity for me. This may bring a barrage of preaching and condemning comments. I am not worried about that. My only concern is to seek the heart of Jesus and let Him guide me with His miraculous light. It is time for me to stand up and be proud of who God made me to be. I will not be ashamed of His work anymore.
I have to say that I did not sit down to write about this today. I have been scared to death at the thought of sharing this. But, I have been asking God to speak to me and asking Him to teach me to listen...and I would obey. I just felt incredibly compelled to write this...my heart. I hope I am acting in obedience...that is my heart's desire.
Jesus, give me strength to stand. Give me courage to fight....and I will return all honor and glory back to you!
I have lived most of my life believing that who I am is an abomination, a sin, disgusting, perverted, condemned, set apart for hell, dark, shameful and pitiable. I spent years and years, since I was a boy, begging for God to change me, crying, hiding, loathing myself, wishing I could have a 'normal' problem. I spent 7 years in reparative therapy, inner healing, deliverance, exorcism, and discipleship...committing my life to the process of changing my sexual orientation. I mean, if God hates gay, then He will surely change it. I believed that 100% ...I cannot express in words, the level of intensity with which I have sought God, begged, fought, repented, wept, screamed, nearly lost my mind and many times just wanted to die....even begging God to take my life. I have spoken with some of the best and brightest therapists, some of the world's leading Christian ministers, read nearly every book on the subject, subjected myself to various programs.....all leaving me more disillusioned than before. ....and still gay.
It seems so easy for straight Christians to spout off what God thinks of it and what the bible says. It doesn't seem to bother them that they have never even studied the bible, the cultural context, the original language, the interpretation...sought God honestly and deeply about the subject...and in a simple phrase, shatter my entire world and sense of hope for this life and the next.
Imagine how horrified we Christians would be to find out from God himself that we had sent thousands, even millions away...'in His name'...to have Him say, "these are also my chosen ones and you are the ones who are deceived." Thousands of gay men and women commit suicide every year for this very reason. They are rejected by their families and told that they are rejected by God...unless, of course, they change.... something which they cannot.
Just this week, Exodus International...the most prominent organization ministering to gay people to help them walk out of homosexuality...closed it's doors, with a public apology for all of the harm it had caused.
Maybe you don't realize it, but much of the Christian world is awakening to the beautiful fact that God loves gay men and women and doesn't condemn them or a committed love relationship between two men or two women. Don't believe it? Why? ...because that's what the bible says? Does it?
If you care about me at all, I would challenge you to check out www.matthewvines.com and watch the video. You don't have to agree, but at least you will have made an effort to seek God and gain understanding on behalf of someone you care about....and so many others who have lost hope.
Coming to an understanding of God's love for me as a gay man is the ONLY reason I am not using drugs today. I still struggle against a lifetime of condemning belief and self loathing. But, I am letting God teach me and lead me into a life I could have never imagined.
I realize that I may lose a lot of friends by writing this. This may close many doors of opportunity for me. This may bring a barrage of preaching and condemning comments. I am not worried about that. My only concern is to seek the heart of Jesus and let Him guide me with His miraculous light. It is time for me to stand up and be proud of who God made me to be. I will not be ashamed of His work anymore.
I have to say that I did not sit down to write about this today. I have been scared to death at the thought of sharing this. But, I have been asking God to speak to me and asking Him to teach me to listen...and I would obey. I just felt incredibly compelled to write this...my heart. I hope I am acting in obedience...that is my heart's desire.
Jesus, give me strength to stand. Give me courage to fight....and I will return all honor and glory back to you!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Depression...The Help I Need
I knew something was really wrong when I could barely pry myself out of bed a few days in a row. Over the weekend, I would try to get up and do something but just gave in to the overwhelming urge to bury myself in my bed and put the covers over my head.
I had been going to work and going to recovery meetings but nothing felt like "life". I guess it's called depression. The problem is, for a person like me, depression is dangerous. I already fight urges to escape normal life emotions to get high. I wasn't sure whether I was staying in bed because I was so depressed or if I was a little depressed and afraid that if I got out of bed, I would certainly have a needle in my arm within hours.
I asked for help.
I have taken a break from my normal life duties to get some help. I just started seeing a counselor and am taking part in some other therapy oriented activities. I couldn't afford to go back down the path I have been so many times before.
I really struggle with trusting others to lead me. I have given over control of my life to others on several different occasions over the past 13 years and have ended up with more confusion and self-loathing than I started with. I'm scared. I'm scared to trust others to lead me but I'm equally as scared to trust myself.
That's where God comes in... I am realizing that, even though I have put a great deal of focus on God during my recovery, I have not pursued the type of personal, communicative, trusting relationship with God that my life needs. When I solely lean on others to direct my life, I don't feel the personal conviction and passion that inspires purpose, vision and hope. When I solely lean on myself to direct my life, I easily deceive myself and give in to wanton desires.
I think God wants me to focus on learning to hear His voice, know His heart and understand His ways. The only way I know to do that is reading His words, setting aside time to talk with Him and most importantly...listen for Him. I know that God speaks in many different ways....I just want to grow more familiar with the sound of it. As this happens, I believe that I will know more clearly when the direction from others and direction coming from me....is actually coming from Him.
I know I need to be able to trust others. I know that I need to be able to trust myself. But, for now, I am learning to hear God's voice and trust that He will guide me through this.
I had been going to work and going to recovery meetings but nothing felt like "life". I guess it's called depression. The problem is, for a person like me, depression is dangerous. I already fight urges to escape normal life emotions to get high. I wasn't sure whether I was staying in bed because I was so depressed or if I was a little depressed and afraid that if I got out of bed, I would certainly have a needle in my arm within hours.
I asked for help.
I have taken a break from my normal life duties to get some help. I just started seeing a counselor and am taking part in some other therapy oriented activities. I couldn't afford to go back down the path I have been so many times before.
I really struggle with trusting others to lead me. I have given over control of my life to others on several different occasions over the past 13 years and have ended up with more confusion and self-loathing than I started with. I'm scared. I'm scared to trust others to lead me but I'm equally as scared to trust myself.
That's where God comes in... I am realizing that, even though I have put a great deal of focus on God during my recovery, I have not pursued the type of personal, communicative, trusting relationship with God that my life needs. When I solely lean on others to direct my life, I don't feel the personal conviction and passion that inspires purpose, vision and hope. When I solely lean on myself to direct my life, I easily deceive myself and give in to wanton desires.
I think God wants me to focus on learning to hear His voice, know His heart and understand His ways. The only way I know to do that is reading His words, setting aside time to talk with Him and most importantly...listen for Him. I know that God speaks in many different ways....I just want to grow more familiar with the sound of it. As this happens, I believe that I will know more clearly when the direction from others and direction coming from me....is actually coming from Him.
I know I need to be able to trust others. I know that I need to be able to trust myself. But, for now, I am learning to hear God's voice and trust that He will guide me through this.
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