Depression...The Help I Need

I knew something was really wrong when I could barely pry myself out of bed a few days in a row.  Over the weekend, I would try to get up and do something but just gave in to the overwhelming urge to bury myself in my bed and put the covers over my head.

I had been going to work and going to recovery meetings but nothing felt like "life".  I guess it's called depression.  The problem is, for a person like me, depression is dangerous.  I already fight urges to escape normal life emotions to get high.  I wasn't sure whether I was staying in bed because I was so depressed or if I was a little depressed and afraid that if I got out of bed, I would certainly have a needle in my arm within hours.

I asked for help.

I have taken a break from my normal life duties to get some help.  I just started seeing a counselor and am taking part in some other therapy oriented activities.  I couldn't afford to go back down the path I have been so many times before. 

I really struggle with trusting others to lead me.  I have given over control of my life to others on several different occasions over the past 13 years and have ended up with more confusion and self-loathing than I started with.  I'm scared.  I'm scared to trust others to lead me but I'm equally as scared to trust myself. 

That's where God comes in...  I am realizing that, even though I have put a great deal of focus on God during my recovery, I have not pursued the type of personal, communicative, trusting relationship with God that my life needs.  When I solely lean on others to direct my life, I don't feel the personal conviction and passion that inspires purpose, vision and hope.  When I solely lean on myself to direct my life, I easily deceive myself and give in to wanton desires. 

I think God wants me to focus on learning to hear His voice, know His heart and understand His ways. The only way I know to do that is reading His words, setting aside time to talk with Him and most importantly...listen for Him.  I know that God speaks in many different ways....I just want to grow more familiar with the sound of it.  As this happens, I believe that I will know more clearly when the direction from others and direction coming from me....is actually coming from Him.

I know I need to be able to trust others.  I know that I need to be able to trust myself.  But, for now, I am learning to hear God's voice and trust that He will guide me through this.