I'm a Christian...I'm Gay

I am a Christian. I am gay.  I love Jesus with all of my heart.  I am deeply committed to following, whole heartedly, after God.  I believe God has a purpose and a plan for my life.  I believe God loves me more than I could ever understand.  I am gay. 

I have lived most of my life believing that who I am is an abomination, a sin, disgusting, perverted, condemned, set apart for hell, dark, shameful and pitiable.  I spent years and years, since I was a boy, begging for God to change me, crying, hiding, loathing myself, wishing I could have a 'normal' problem.  I spent 7 years in reparative therapy, inner healing, deliverance, exorcism, and discipleship...committing my life to the process of changing my sexual orientation.  I mean, if God hates gay, then He will surely change it.  I believed that 100%  ...I cannot express in words, the level of intensity with which I have sought God, begged, fought, repented, wept, screamed, nearly lost my mind and many times just wanted to die....even begging God to take my life.  I have spoken with some of the best and brightest therapists, some of the world's leading Christian ministers, read nearly every book on the subject, subjected myself to various programs.....all leaving me more disillusioned than before.  ....and still gay.

It seems so easy for straight Christians to spout off what God thinks of it and what the bible says.  It doesn't seem to bother them that they have never even studied the bible, the cultural context, the original language, the interpretation...sought God honestly and deeply about the subject...and in a simple phrase, shatter my entire world and sense of hope for this life and the next. 

Imagine how horrified we Christians would be to find out from God himself that we had sent thousands, even millions away...'in His name'...to have Him say, "these are also my chosen ones and you are the ones who are deceived."  Thousands of gay men and women commit suicide every year for this very reason.  They are rejected by their families and told that they are rejected by God...unless, of course, they change....  something which they cannot.

Just this week, Exodus International...the most prominent organization ministering to gay people to help them walk out of homosexuality...closed it's doors, with a public apology for all of the harm it had caused.

Maybe you don't realize it, but much of the Christian world is awakening to the beautiful fact that God loves gay men and women and doesn't condemn them or a committed love relationship between two men or two women.  Don't believe it?  Why?  ...because that's what the bible says?  Does it? 

If you care about me at all, I would challenge you to check out www.matthewvines.com and watch the video.  You don't have to agree, but at least you will have made an effort to seek God and gain understanding on behalf of someone you care about....and so many others who have lost hope. 

Coming to an understanding of God's love for me as a gay man is the ONLY reason I am not using drugs today.  I still struggle against a lifetime of condemning belief and self loathing.  But, I am letting God teach me and lead me into a life I could have never imagined. 

I realize that I may lose a lot of friends by writing this.  This may close many doors of opportunity for me.  This may bring a barrage of preaching and condemning comments.  I am not worried about that.  My only concern is to seek the heart of Jesus and let Him guide me with His miraculous light.  It is time for me to stand up and be proud of who God made me to be.  I will not be ashamed of His work anymore.

I have to say that I did not sit down to write about this today.  I have been scared to death at the thought of sharing this.  But, I have been asking God to speak to me and asking Him to teach me to listen...and I would obey.  I just felt incredibly compelled to write this...my heart.  I hope I am acting in obedience...that is my heart's desire.

Jesus, give me strength to stand.  Give me courage to fight....and I will return all honor and glory back to you!

Depression...The Help I Need

I knew something was really wrong when I could barely pry myself out of bed a few days in a row.  Over the weekend, I would try to get up and do something but just gave in to the overwhelming urge to bury myself in my bed and put the covers over my head.

I had been going to work and going to recovery meetings but nothing felt like "life".  I guess it's called depression.  The problem is, for a person like me, depression is dangerous.  I already fight urges to escape normal life emotions to get high.  I wasn't sure whether I was staying in bed because I was so depressed or if I was a little depressed and afraid that if I got out of bed, I would certainly have a needle in my arm within hours.

I asked for help.

I have taken a break from my normal life duties to get some help.  I just started seeing a counselor and am taking part in some other therapy oriented activities.  I couldn't afford to go back down the path I have been so many times before. 

I really struggle with trusting others to lead me.  I have given over control of my life to others on several different occasions over the past 13 years and have ended up with more confusion and self-loathing than I started with.  I'm scared.  I'm scared to trust others to lead me but I'm equally as scared to trust myself. 

That's where God comes in...  I am realizing that, even though I have put a great deal of focus on God during my recovery, I have not pursued the type of personal, communicative, trusting relationship with God that my life needs.  When I solely lean on others to direct my life, I don't feel the personal conviction and passion that inspires purpose, vision and hope.  When I solely lean on myself to direct my life, I easily deceive myself and give in to wanton desires. 

I think God wants me to focus on learning to hear His voice, know His heart and understand His ways. The only way I know to do that is reading His words, setting aside time to talk with Him and most importantly...listen for Him.  I know that God speaks in many different ways....I just want to grow more familiar with the sound of it.  As this happens, I believe that I will know more clearly when the direction from others and direction coming from me....is actually coming from Him.

I know I need to be able to trust others.  I know that I need to be able to trust myself.  But, for now, I am learning to hear God's voice and trust that He will guide me through this.

HE TOOK ME BACK

He Took Me Back - by Jeffry E. Shelton

I had come to realize that my life's not my own
For all the living I'd done, I had naught to show
I came crawling back to the feet of my Father
I was ashamed to approach Him, I shouldn't even bother
I didn't deserve the least of any gift
But with His hand to my chin, my face He did lift
With tears in His eyes, He laid out the call
And said that He loves me just the same when I fall
He made sure I knew, regardless of me, He'd still give
So I handed Him my life, so that through me He'd live

I WILL BE FREE

I Will Be Free - by Jeffry E. Shelton

If the walls of this prison I could but see
I would know what to do to set myself free
But how does one fight a battle to win
When the war that rages is lying within
So dropping my weapons, I removed my crown
Losing all strength, to my knees I fell down
Crying, "Lord, there is nothing more I can now do
If I'm to be free, it will have to be you"
Just as I spoke, out of heaven did fall
The helmet of salvation, full armor and all
But the suit was fit for a giant in size
So I looked again, now with spiritual eyes
There stood the warrior that soon I would be
I will win the battle...
Oh yes! I will be free!

The Tree Of Me

THE TREE OF ME - by Jeffry E. Shelton

The acorn does not know what kind of tree it will become. It doesn't worry about figuring out how to become an Oak Tree based on what a bunch of other seeds say a tree looks like.

What if an acorn lay alone amongst a pile of Willow seeds, ever contemplating how to grow into the beautiful shape, color and design of the Willow? Could the acorn ever become a Willow tree? Should it?

The acorn's only responsibility is to surrender to the process of germination (dying to self and surrendering to the process of becoming).

The Oak Tree emerges because that is what the acorn was always designed to be. The acorn must only surrender.

I do not yet see the tree that I will become. And it doesn't matter what anyone else says my tree will look like. It only matters that I surrender to the process of becoming.

Driving to Get Drugs & Sex...God's Tears

There are several routes I can take to get home from work.  I must have looked like I was insane...turning this way then that way.  I kept making turns to follow what my mind was telling me.  Go 'this way' and you can just see if there is the possibility of getting drugs.  Turn 'that way' and go straight home as quickly as possible.  Go 'this way' and maybe have a sexual encounter.  Go 'that way' and get far enough toward home that this will subside.  Go 'this way', because you don't have to do anything...you can just check it out.  Go 'that way' because you have never been able to check it out without doing it.

I turned on my Kirk Franklin music and listened to the song "I AM".  The song mentions that, "I am so far from perfect...I thought life was worthless...until you showed me who I am...not here by mistake...now love called me, Grace."

I found nothing to keep me from using drugs, engaging in demoralizing sex and destructive behavior except for the belief that God has a purpose for me and I can only discover that as I walk listening to His voice.  I made it home.

I sometimes serve tables where people are discussing important things:  How to guide the city in this direction...how to market this for maximum impact...how to maximize sales for company-wide growth.  It seems like these people have a sense of great purpose.  I want one.

I want to feel like what I do matters.  I want to feel like my life is significant.  I want to feel like it is rolling in a specific direction, gaining momentum and will be like a giant snowball rushing through humanity.

Maybe those thoughts are selfish and self absorbed.  I just want to know that I matter.  I know I matter to God, but then I might as well be with Him.  I would be removed from all of this struggle, pain, confusion and sadness.  If God is keeping me here on this earth, there must be a reason. 

I don't think I have any answers today.  I am looking out my window and I can see that it is raining...storming actually.  I imagine that the rain is God's tears and they fall down on me and join my tears and wash me, cleans me and hold me.  I just think I need to be held sometimes.  That is what the rain is to me, today...God holding me.

Sick of Christianity...I Don't Fit The Mold

I'm sick of Christianity.  I am sick of all the rules and norms that are so widely held on to that define who is going to heaven and who is not.  I didn't say that I am sick of God or what God thinks of me...or what He wants for me.  I just think it is really easy to say, "this is how God wants it"...when your life easily slides right into that mold. 

Well, what about all of the people...like me...who don't fit that mold?  What about people who love God and desperately want the peace, beauty and ultimate purpose that comes from a deeply personal relationship with Him...but are told, "You cannot!"

All of my struggles with drugs, sex, addiction, codependency, self-loathing and destructive behavior come from a deeply rooted belief that something is wrong with me that cannot be fixed.  I have been through so many inner-healing sessions, programs, years of intense reparative therapy, casting out demons, binding, releasing, begging, praying, fasting, washing, deals with God.... I can't tell you the number of times I have laid on a bathroom floor with my knees to my chest, crying out to God to please change me or take my life.  When I was a young teenager, I would sometimes make a commitment to God that I would pray for a solid hour every day when the other kids or my brothers were playing...if he would please make me normal and ok.  I remember creating rituals of taking a shower and scrubbing myself and praying (begging) for God to cleanse me and change me. I promised God during college that I would deprive myself of ever loving and being loved for His sake.  

I JUST WANTED, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, TO FEEL UNASHAMED BEFORE GOD.

 I believe in the bible 'God's Word' as much as any Christian. ...maybe more than some.  I seek God in His Word...I need for Him to reveal Himself to me...my life and eternity depend on it.  I have been seeking God with every bit of honesty and passion within me.  And, unlike years past, I have come to God asking for Him to reveal His will for me...not everyone else's.  It is God's Word...It is God's world...and I am His.  I have come to understand that He desires for me to know the truth and have His presence, love, acceptance and purposes infinitely more than, even, I do.

It is amazing what God has been bringing my way, when I stop shoving my lifetime of 'what I always thought' down His throat and I just listen...honestly...with an open heart.  You see, I told God that I want His will in my life...whatever that may be.  But, I started with complete openness.  I am not starting with an end result in mind or what I think that He thinks should happen.  It was clear that I had no idea.  So, I just listened...

Over the past few weeks, in so many ways, God has been revealing His heart to me...for me.  I am not totally ready to share exactly what God has been showing me or what that might mean for me.  But, I do know that you can know a tree by it's fruit.  A tree that is healthy and increasing in health, will produce good fruit.  A tree that is unhealthy and declining in health will produce more and more bad fruit.  I am a tree that is being pruned back and maybe has that stake tied to it...holding it up.  I am a tree being watered by God's presence and fed by His word.  I am growing...and I believe that my fruit will speak for itself...Good or Bad.

Is This As Good As It Gets?

Have you ever opened your eyes in the morning and asked yourself, "is this it? ...is this all there is? ...is this my life?"  - wake up feeling lonely and not sure if I want to fight through this stuff another day... wanting to be creative and change the world but knowing I need to be ready to mop floors, take orders and bus tables...  

I always believed that I could do anything I want to do and be anything I want to be.  But life happens...disappointment happens...struggle happens...failure happens...sh*t happens.  And then it is easier to believe that the life I have now is just about as good as it gets.  Now, compared to hiding behind dumpsters, sleeping outside and getting hypothermia, being rescued from the rooftop of a building in downtown Los Angeles, hating myself and believing God had utterly rejected me...I'd say I am in a good place.  

But, is there more?   ....How do I get there?

My dad always told me that you cannot accurately plan a trip to a destination and get there successfully, if you don't know where you are starting from.  Whoah, thanks captain obvious!  ...duh.  Yeah, not duh...  I thought I knew where I was.  I used my job, my salary, my friends, my relationship, my popularity, my geographic location, my fancy apartment to show me exactly where I was.  The problem was that those external props don't show me where I am....they only show me what I have.

This is the beauty of this season of my life...it is showing me where I really am.  I am a guy who has to live with his parents.  I am a guy who cannot handle open access to the internet.  I am a guy who can't afford a car that doesn't accumulate puddles in the floorboard when it rains.  I am a guy who fights everyday just to stay sober.  I am a guy who has to remind myself that I am not a failure and less than everyone around me.  I am a guy who knows exactly where he is...for the first time in his life.  I don't have the external props to give me a false starting point.  

That means that when I talk to God, I am coming from an authentic place.  I know what I am asking for...I know how much I need God.  I know that anything good in me has come directly from Him.

Great News, I know how to get where I want to go.  Mind you, I have no idea what that is going to look like, where it is geographically or really much at all about where I am going....YET, I know how to get there.  How?? ....you say??

I know where I am and I have instructions for the journey: 

ASK..PLAN..WALK..TRUST

James 1:5 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

Proverbs 16:9 - "The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

2 Corinthians 5:7 - "For we walk by faith, not by sight."

Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't lean solely on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge trust in God, and He will make your paths straight."

Does this mean that I will tiptoe through the tulips today singing Doris Day songs?  ....umm, well maybe.   ....but not because I have no worries and this process isn't tough.  

It just means that I can ask God for help...  plan my life the best way I know how...  walk forward confidently, in faith...  trust that God will direct my steps and lead me to a more beautiful future than I could have planned alone, as I consistently acknowledge Him.

Oops...I better get ready for work.  Serving tables....here I come!!!

Last Night's Battle...Life's Great Lesson

Well, just in case I haven't made it obvious, the reality and nature of my addiction...here goes - 
Since I had the porn blocker installed on my computer and my phone, it's like internal mayhem.  This was like, the last escape mechanism I had.  My sponsor has constantly repeated to me that I will find anything and everything as a tool to escape dealing with life and difficult emotions, and numb out.  

Yeah, yeah yeah...I get it.   UMMMM, no I didn't.  I kept feeling like my life without Crystal Meth was shaping up and I was starting to feel some noticeable benefit from sobriety.  However, I made the difficult decision to deal with the sexual side of my addiction.  A content blocker seemed to be a logical step in reigning in the beast and trying to deal with whatever is going on.  

Whoah, the past three days I have had incredible urges to get high...on my way home from work, it crosses my mind that I can't get that stimulation fix when I get home, so I start thinking about that initial rush when I stick the needle in my arm. Sucks!  I have laid down to go to bed the last three nights and as soon as I close my eyes, all these horrible memories of using, getting paranoid, being used and abused...anger and hatred at the aggressors, fear of what might come, afraid because I am still afraid....what the &%^&^!!!!   ...I guess a lot of stuff is coming up that I have been numbing out or escaping.

So, last night, exhausted and broken, I started talking to God...  I was like, 

"God, seriously...I am not sure what I am supposed to do with all of this? ...I am trying to make the right decisions, but I end up sleepless, paranoid, flashbacks, stomach problems, fever blisters on my lips, and wanting to use more than ever.  I need your help. I know now....I really know that you love me and are leading me into a beautiful life and that you love me just the way I am...so, I need your healing presence. I need your empowering grace, I need to remember that all authority in heaven, on earth and below the earth is yours....and I should feel no shame in coming to you boldly to ask for you to move on my behalf.  Hey, You said it, Hebrews 4:16 (NLT) So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.  There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.  
....So I am here and I need You...fight on my behalf...I know that because of what Jesus did, I have authority...I know that according to Isaiah 54:17 no weapon forged against me will prevail, and I will refute every tongue that accuses me. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is my vindication from God, says God...as a matter of fact, Psalm 91:7 says, Though a thousand fall at my side, though ten thousand are dying around me, these evils will not touch me. Oh yeah, 1 John 4:4, The Spirit of God in me is, hands down, infinitely greater than any spirit that tries to get at me here in this world.  

Ohhhh, what was that you nasty little devil sitting on my shoulder?  ....did you just tell me that my life is judged and condemned and I will always live life at the bottom, struggling?  .....yeah, I thought that's what you said.

I guess I will have to remind you that I read that little bit in Galatians 2:20 that said, My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.... 

Whoomp, there it is!!!  Holler at that!!!  ...and I ain't no holler back, boy!!!  ...so get to steppin'!!!

Thanks God...You ROCK!!! ...Amen!"

Well, that's basically how it went down last night in my bed at 2AM.  It worked.  All of that crap in my head and heart was cleared.  So, I stepped out onto the back porch, had a cigarette, went back to my bed and fell right to sleep.

Did I have to deal with that crap in my head again today?  Yep...but I knew what to do with it.  I know it will get easier and I will get on the other side of some of this initial pain and struggle.  But these are the lessons that will make the way for further growth, greater victory and lasting peace.

Grateful for the lesson...respectful of the pain...finding purpose in it all!!