I am starting to realize that I am broken in so many areas of my life that I am just shattered beyond repair. I have lived in addiction for so long, it has altered my brain chemistry and even damaged my body. I have screwed myself up sexually so much that I need professional help just to sort out some of the issues. Financial responsibility...money is like water in my hands. My walk with God...I seem to go from hot to cold to hot to cold spiritually...from one week to the next. A career...what's that? ...don't ask me. Relationships...ummm, sometimes I don't even know if I am being genuine to strangers and loved ones alike.
Have you ever had a vase or fragile item that fell and broke into hundreds of pieces? You just look at it and realize that there is no way that it can ever be put back together to be what it once was. I believe that's me. I was just laying on my bed thinking about the hundreds of pieces of brokenness in my life. There is no way that my life could ever be put back together to look like what it once did. I can never follow the path that I always thought I would. I can never be what I always thought I would be.
Then I felt God's Spirit inside me say, "you are exactly right!" What?!?! ....that was not the affirming word I was looking for. Then I heard, "...some vessels must be broken into many pieces so that something totally different can be formed...something that doesn't even resemble the former vessel...it will be made of the same material and will have the same color and texture...but it will be a brand new shape and design...and it will have tiny little cracks all over it...so, yes, everyone will know that it was once shattered into many pieces and was very broken...it will be used for a new purpose and will show others who are shattered that there is hope for a broken vessel."
As with any vase or fragile item that has shattered, it takes time to pick up the pieces. That is what is happening with me now. Piece by piece, The Potter is forming something new and beautiful out of my brokenness. Sometimes it hurts...and sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I feel impatient because I can't tell what He is making and I feel useless. Sometimes I cry because some of the people I love have been cut by the sharp edges of my brokenness. Sometimes I feel regret because there was a measure of beauty to the vessel that I was before. But most of all, I am just grateful that all of the pieces are in The Potter's hand...my most loving Heavenly Father. He's pretty good at creating things.
...and as I am fond of saying: I love my Father...He loves me...and He'll never let me go!
