Monday, March 18, 2013

It's not about you...It's about how you make me feel

I  was hanging out with some people also in recovery, this weekend. One of the guys had the audacity to tell me that he has noticed that I manipulate people around me to do what I want them to  do, in an attempt to have them make me feel the way I want to feel.

I had to replay the scorning in my head a few times before I even understood it.  Once I did, I felt sick. I knew it was true.

He mentioned that this kind of interaction does not produce real relationship with others.  In doing this, we objectify people, use them for our benefit, and then discard them when they are no longer producing the desired feeling in our lives.

The whole idea is just shocking!  It sounds horrid and callous.

He then mentioned that most people engage in this behavior to varying degrees.  But, to the degree we can separate from this narcissistic behavior, we can, to that same degree, experience authentic relationship.

Whoah!!  I don't want my interaction with others to be contrived: manipulating them to do this...say that...make me feel wanted...make me feel important...make me feel smart...make me feel good looking...make me feel OK....ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!!

Plus, it never worksAnother person can never make me feel ok, if I don't feel ok from within.  It's kind of like drug addiction. I kept trying to get the high to make me feel ok, but it didn't. So, I kept trying it again...and again...and again.

I need to find my sense of importance, intelligence, being wanted, being physically appealing, being worth while, from my knowledge of who and Whose I am.

As I grow in this knowledge, I will be free to appreciate others for who they are, more than how they can make me feel.

I have a feeling that my relationship with God will change, as well, through this process.
It is a process, but I am surrendering to it
                                    ...Just for today!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

FEELING Far From God

The last two mornings, I woke up feeling far from GodI feel like a sinner.  I don't feel that fresh rush of gratitude in my heart.  I don't feel like, "I'm doing it - Great!"

There are only two explanations for this:

Scenario 1)  I have separated myself from God somehow and I am living outside of His mercy and grace

Scenario 2) I just feel like I have separated myself from God somehow but I am actually right where I need to be.

At first, I thought, "well great, I am either on a road straight to heaven or straight to hell...that narrows it down...perfect."

Then, I thought I might just write down what would be the appropriate response, on my part, for each scenario.

Appropriate Response to Scenario 1)  Don't self judge and feel condemned, because God is judge and there is no condemnation in God...just stop and acknowledge that my desire is to surrender to God and have His will done in my life today...walk in gratitude that I am actually ok, whether I feel it or not.

Appropriate Response to Scenario 2)  Don't self judge and feel condemned, because God is judge and there is no condemnation in God...just stop and acknowledge that my desire is to surrender to God and have His will done in my life today...walk in gratitude that I am actually ok, whether I feel like it or not.

Hmmmm....turns out, my response to either situation is THE SAME.  I don't need to concern myself with responding to how I feel.  My feelings about myself, the world, God, my future, and my past change daily...and sometimes hourly.  I should concern myself with responding to the unchanging truth of God:

God loves me and wants relationship with me more than I could ever want it with Him.  He is more concerned with me becoming free of condemnation than He is condemning me.  No matter how far I feel removed from God's grace and mercy, I can't outrun it, travel so far that I will be out of it's reach, or comprehend it's unending, all encompassing nature.

I DON'T GET IT! .....BUT I DON'T CARE!  ,,,IT IS THE REASON I LIVE AND HAVE HOPE FOR TODAY AND TOMORROW!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Why Is This Happening To Me?

I have been dealing with some drama at my sober living house. Over the last several days, I have been accused of doing some things I didn't do...not doing some things I was supposed to do (and fined for it)...and having a wrong attitude about it all...which resulted in me being yelled at, treated poorly and questioned about my continuing to live here.

OMG

I have been talking to my sponsor, LIKE, five times a day.  My desire was to walk through this situation appropriately and figure out what the heck to do.  I decided (with the help of God and my sponsor) to MANAGE MY BEHAVIOR AND RESPONSES, INSTEAD OF TRYING TO MANAGE THE OUTCOME.

That's the kicker!  I always try to manage the outcome, which means me stepping in and letting everyone know why they are wrong...why I am right...and how we all need to act in order for the situation to be rectified.  FYI: people usually love it when I do that...about as much as I love it when it's done to me.  ...LIKE, NOT AT ALL!

Sooooooooo, in light of this new way of thinking, I held my tongue (after my first few insightful but vindictively nasty texts), looked at the areas where I might take responsibility, and sought to be the person I desire to be.

My sponsor likes to tell me to act like the leaf that floats on the water down the stream. If the leaf grabs ahold of the rock, it sinks or just stays where it is and doesn't move forward. I must lay back, rest and surrender to the flow of the water (insert God's Spirit in place of water, if you like).  The whole analogy annoys me, because it seems so passive.

However, I did it.  And you know what? Tonight the whole situation came out into the open. Without me even controlling the situation, I was completely vindicated. Several apologies were offered to me and I came out looking like the good guy.

More important than me being vindicated...AND THIS IS IMPORTANT...is that I was led through a process that resulted in my personal growth because of my willingness to surrender to God, accept the things that I cannot or should not change, and focus on who I am supposed to be.

In light of the outcome, I think I'll try this out again in similar situations.  Apparently, God has the inside scoop on outcomes...WHO KNEW?

Sunday, March 10, 2013

90 days and counting

Last night was a rough one, but I am still clean and sober today. 

What I know is that God really loves me...

..I must be starting to love myself

and, I like it!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I Want To Use Tonight...

I am supposed to celebrate 90 days clean from drugs tomorrow.

But...

I am currently having an insane craving to use.  I became frustrated over a small issue at my sober living house and immediately had the urge to get high. I decided to go straight to a meeting...I went, but I left a little early because I couldn't sit still and my heart felt like it was racing, not to mention my thoughts. I have come up with several scenarios of how I could get high...then, of course, I had to start thinking about how I would cover it up

...then I became angry, because I can never really hide it. (When I use, I look like a deer caught in headlights, mixed with a zombie, mixed with the spin cycle on a washing machine)

So, I called my sponsor and got his voicemail.  I texted a couple sober people and they responded with encouragement. I want to punch a wall, cry my eyes out, scream my head off....but most of all, I just want to get really, really high.

This would be typical for me to throw it all away right before a big moment.

.....Ha Ha!!  ....I guess God is reading what I am writing, as I write it.  My dad just called to see how I am doing, just after I finished writing the previous line. I explained how I felt and we talked about it. He encouraged me to acknowledge how I am feeling, but take control of my thoughts by telling myself NO! ....out loud.

NO! ...my thoughts do not control me!

NO!  ...I don't have to throw my life away! 

NO! ...I am not a victim, alone and hopeless!

YES!!...my life is held in the hands of a loving God and He is ready and willing to help me!

...and this is the verse my dad asked me to read aloud to myself:

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. "
Philippians 4:5-7 (Message Bible)

Will the REAL Jeff Please Stand Up

With the help of a professional counselor, I discovered that I had, over time, developed two different ways of  being: Hidden Me & Front Man Me.  Front Man Me was the one everyone saw in church, the one I felt was pleasing to God, the one I saw as having all of the talents, ability and spiritual insight.  Hidden Me was the one that had fun, relaxed and acted authentically, was bold and exciting.

It felt like there were two different people inside me and I couldn't survive with just one or the other. With Front Man Me, alone, I would experience a life celebrated by those around me, but be miserable inside.  With Hidden Me, alone, I would be ostracized by God and church, but would be free to be authentic.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT...

But, that's not what God thought. I was offered the idea that God made me to be a whole person, walking in purpose, peace and ability...and I could be loved by God...could love myself...could love another person...could be loved by another.  I was offered the idea that some of the parts of me I relegated to Hidden Me, were buried from shame, not  God's conviction...I could be real, have fun, relax and live from where I am - not where I thought I should be or where I thought you wanted me to be.

Out of this discovery, came a statement of my identity. I printed this out and framed it...and it stays on my night stand. I look at it constantly.

Jeff's True Identity:
Because I am loved, valued and accepted, I am free to be real, authentic and open. I am secure and content and at rest knowing God's redemptive plan is working in me. Through healing, I am maturing, becoming whole, learning self-love and discipline. I have the mind of Christ and God's perspective, which allows me to be Holy Spirit led, trusting, discerning and understanding. Because I know who I am, I am steadfast, rock strong and confident. Because I am God agreeing and loving, I am appropriate, benevolent, walk in true humility, have a servant's heart and value others. I am a passionate leader, full of purpose, and an encourager to others, who can lean on me. I am a joy and bring joy to others. Because I am an heir and a son, I have constant provision, live a victorious life and walk in divine health, knowing I am held by a loving Father.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Do I Really Want To Be Well?

I know how to hide from people when I am ashamed of my life.  I know how to get my drug of choice, no matter where I am.  I know how to shoot it up.  I know how to lie to get what I want. I know how to feel sorry for myself when I notice that everyone around me seems to have a better life than me. I know how to drown my pain in alcohol, drugs, sex and risky behavior.

I know how to live life at the bottom.

What I don't know, is how to live life on the way up.  I heard Gloria Gaither say that Jesus asked a man, who had been laying by a pool known to have healing powers, an interesting question.... "Do you want to be well?"

Ummm...the man had been laying there for years, begging for people to dip him in the pool. He wanted to be well, right? 

Well, he had also spent those years begging for money, begging for pity, begging for handouts...He, basically, learned how to live life as a lame beggar.  So, I suppose Jesus was asking him if he REALLY wanted to be well, live well...learn a whole new way of living...better, but totally different than everything he knew.

Even though my past was destructive and brought about much pain, it is familiar to me.  I know how to do it...I know what it looks like...I know what to expect.

Maybe I am being asked, "Do you want to be well?" ...I have to remind myself everyday, I DO!
Every emotion seems unfamiliar...Every decision leaves me exhausted...Every moment of joy is met with my critical eye, looking for the hammer to drop.

But, this is my time...I can take up my 'lame man's bed' and walk, or I can revert to what I know and is strangely comfortable to me.

I want to be well.  I want to live well.  So, I will walk the unknown path...I will surrender to being taught how to live this way...and I will be grateful for the joys, the pain and the growth.
...just for today!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Bucking and Screaming

Ok, so I think I am about to make myself look like a total "____"
Fill in the blank, because every word I think of to fill it will make me look even worse than I'm about to...
 
I met with my sponsor and he tells me that he wants me to not share at AA meetings for one month....I should practice listening and get a different perspective. He tells me it has to do with humility. 
I then proceeded to do... what he calls, "Bucking and Screaming". I merely wanted to point out that I realize I am quite outgoing...I usually have a lot to say...I don't care who you are, if I don't agree with you or like what you are saying, I will let you know...I am also becoming more comfortable with who I am and what I have to offer as a human being.
None of that sounds bad to me. But, apparently, I am prideful and think too much of myself. I suppose I am afraid that people will try to change me and make me conform to something that they find acceptable or makes them comfortable.
I can see that these may be defense mechanisms. And, with defense mechanisms up, it is not possible to be completely surrendered and willing.
 
I believe that true humility is agreeing with how God sees me...not more, that would be prideful. ...not less, that would be false humility...still pride.
 
God, help me to see me how you see me and help me to agree with it and behave accordingly. That's all I know to do for now.

 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

My Story...In a Nutshell

There have been many consequences of my drug use. I have caused much pain, put myself in positions that risk my health and life, sacrificed my morals and dignity, stolen money from my parents, lied to cover my shame, lost my job, lost my health insurance, lost the trust of all those close to me, given up the hope of singing, or making anything remarkable of my life. Why would I do that?

When I was trying to pursue God with all my heart, in years past, I felt like I was trying to spin a thousand plates in the air and the consequence for dropping the plates was damnation...in this life and the next. But I could only keep them spinning for so long. And I hated myself for not being able to change.
 
...so I gave up...
 
I figured I was not capable of being pleasing to God. I tried to make something of myself and build a life that was bareable. ...but even though I had a great job, great healthy friends and someone who loved me, I couldn't be alone with my thoughts.
I had to escape and numb...alcohol, drugs, meaningless sex. When I was high in my escapes, I felt pleasure and didn't think about my hopelessly damned life.
 
Even though I have known for most of my life what life is supposed to be about, I am now starting to understand that I was never supposed to spin the plates. I was just supposed ask God to take over and lead me...no expectations to be met except complete surrender. No change to be accomplished except for the change that is formed in me by virtue of my close proximity to the heart of Jesus. 

I no longer have to figure out how to be pleasing to God. I just understand that my heart turned toward Him and life surrendered to Him means I am in the epicenter of His will and have never been more pleasing to Him. God loves me. I love Him.
 
 And...Nothing...No one...can change my Father's love for me.
 
Thank you mom and dad for giving me living examples of God's unfailing love.

God Accepts me...Why Don't I?

I spent most of my life trying to change who I was...trying to adjust this and that to be pleasing to God. At times, I tried to become something and someone totally different.
 
All that changing and trying and shape shifting landed me in the depths of despair. I thought, maybe, I was suffering for Jesus. But, suffering for Jesus is suffering for the sake of sharing His gospel. He doesn't just want us to suffer and then say it was for His sake. He wanted me to slap myself upside the head and wake up!
...Wake up to the fact that He knows me...He formed me...He designed me...He loves me.........
.....and 'dawg-on-it', I should get with the program. I am finally beginning to see myself how my loving God sees me:

ACCEPTED, BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, RIGHTEOUS, SURRENDERED, CAPABLE, FULL OF LIFE, FULL OF LOVE, HEART OF COMPASSION, COURAGEOUS!!

Matthew 5:5 (Message) "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."

Oxygen Mask Protocol

My sponsor told me that if I do what's best for me, it will automatically be what is best for everyone and everything around me.

I had to argue with myself a while before I could even agree with that statement. I have a compassionate heart and I really do want what is best for those around me. 

But, it's kind of like the oxygen mask protocol on an airplane... "Please place the mask over your own face before you place the mask on someone else's face...and breath normally."
 
I am learning that focusing on someone else's welfare to the detriment of my own is an escape mechanism. What a martyr I then become...for the sake of their good. ...yeah, not so much.
 
Well, guess what? I have only been given responsibility to answer to God for one person...ME! ...And what good am I trying to help someone breath life, if I am gasping for air?
 
I am learning to make the best decisions for me, assist others when I am able, and realize that me making a decision for my good is helping others....automatically!
 
Don't take my word for it. Try it...you probably won't like it...but it might change your life.
It is changing mine!

The Pain of Being OK

I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok... That is something my dad has instructed me to say aloud when I feel anxiety or overwhelming emotions or have racing thoughts bombard my mind.
The mind is very powerful and is known to store all of our memories and even emotional responses to memories.
 
During this season I have experienced many moments when I am overwhelmed by what is going on inside my mind, emotions and body.
 
It helps me to understand that my body must rebuild after my deconstruction project...
my mind ,literally, must repair and learn new pathways for thought and response...
my emotions must purify themselves like water, by running them over the bedrock of my conscious thought.
 
With this knowledge, I adhere to 'acceptance'. I accept the path to recovery and restoration. And, in willingness, I turn over all care and concern to God.
 
Knowing that I have surrendered to the best of my ability, I rely on the eternal and unfailing love and power of an almighty Father. 
This is not easy for me and is accompanied by many tears. But, I believe that my prayers sown as tears will reap a harvest of unshakable joy.

Ordinarily Extraordinary

There are so many genius writers, singers, thinkers, leaders...sitting, right now, under a bridge...comforting their genius with a bottle of cheap gin or stoking their genius gifting with a crack pipe...giving back to the world and offering to God, a whole lot of nothing!
 
Who changes the course of human history? ...the Galileo who sits around cursing the world, head buried in the sand? ...or the Gal at the Jack In The Box drive thru window, who tells every customer to "be blessed today", with a smile that comes from a peaceful heart?
 
What if extraordinary life happens when ordinary people realize they have an extraordinary God?
 
What if every person I meet today, has a real God encounter because they see a smile on my face that tells the story of extreme mercy and grace?
 
What if I get one step closer to experiencing a life of extraordinary purpose by doing the ordinary things I do, in an extraordinary way, because I am filled with the life-giving spirit of an extraordinary God?
 
What if?

I Still Have Dreams

I still have dreams... I used to dream of a life filled with music, singing, speaking to crowds and moving them to action, writing books that alter the way we think, leading a movement that speaks out for those who have been pushed aside.
 
I have been praying for God's will to be done in my life today, each day. That has been easy, when I believe that my life is meant for nothing more than survival. ......just survive today and don't get %@^$ up. 

But a dream still stirs in my heart. That scares me a bit. What if it is more me than God? What if I fail? What if my dreams are just dreams and I end up disappointed? These are the thoughts that go through my head...just being honest.
 
Well, fortunately, I don't have much of a reputation to uphold...and trying and failing at my dreams has to hold, at least, a little more honor than destroying my life with crystal meth.
 

I am trying to get the hang of this whole idea of completely surrendering to God and letting Him lead me.....AND, at the same time, take purposeful action in a direction that I think is God's will.
 

I know it's not suppose to be complicated...but, trust me, I can complicate anything. 
So, I move forward...life surrendered, actions purposeful, and heart filled with hope.
 

Psalm 39:7-8 "And now, Lord what do I wait for? MY HOPE IS IN YOU. Deliver me from all my transgressions; Do not make me the reproach of the foolish."