I Found the key to Life and it's a Trowel Pick

Alas, I have found the key to life, a peaceful soul, a joyful heart and a fulfilling future. ...and it's not at all what I thought it would be...

Imagine you have been given five numbered keys to a huge safe and inside is a million dollars and another door. You use the five keys to open the safe. Once inside, you are intoxicated by the smell of so much money. You begin to gather as much in your arms as possible, but you remember that there is another door.
Curiosity overtakes you and you set the money down for a moment to see what is behind the door. Oddly, you don't need a key to open the door. But, as you swing it open, you see a wall of rock and gold...gold in its natural state, still embedded in the rock...and a trowel pick with the number six on it. Your lightening fast brain deduces that this is the sixth key.
You look back to the million dollars laying there for the taking...then you look back through the door to the wall and the pick. 
Is that really gold?  Maybe it's fools gold? It would take forever to mine that gold...if it's even real. I don't even have gloves. I'm not very strong...I might not even be able to get much of it.  And, you close the door, grab your money and run.

The five other keys are all of the things in life that fill it: career, relationships, wealth, notoriety, traveling, helping others, being of service, etc. ...all good things.  But the sixth key is a door and a trowel pick. It is the process of us opening the door to our soul. We have a gold mine inside of us, but it is embedded in a lifetime of experiences, fears, insecurities, hopes, disappointments, hardness, bitterness, suspicion, and weariness.

A million dollars will run out...careers can unexpectedly end, relationships don't bring us the fulfillment we are looking for, helping others makes us feel good for a moment, but doesn't take away the ache inside.

The gold mine inside, is 'who God made us to be'...(not to be confused with 'what God has called us to do')

**I have no idea what I might be doing in six months from now. I don't know if I will ever have the things in life that I once thought gave it meaning.  What I do know, is that I am spending time, effort and tears developing myself and mining the gold that God has placed inside of me. There is a lot of junk in there...and it feels like rock.  But I seek the fulfillment in life that is not temporary. All the other stuff...you can have it. I don't really even know what to expect, but I know that if God designed it...it must be better than anything this world has to offer. 

I have traveled around the world and have been to many countries
I have fed starving children in third world countries
I have lived in high-rise apartments with marble and soaring windows
I have owned a convertible Mercedes and other fancy cars
I have earned sales awards and been given coveted promotions
I have been a keynote speaker for crowds of thousands
I have sung duets with known recording artists

....AND STILL I FELT LOST AND UNFULFILLED

I believe God is giving me the opportunity to grab the trowel pick and go to work. He will give me the strength to keep digging, and He is the Lord of the mine...and this gold will stand the test of time and eternity. Ironically, when I focus on becoming 'WHO' God wants me to be...all the other stuff comes automatically...by virtue of living in the 'Blessing Waterfall' of God's Grace!

I Have a Small Growth...and It's Growing

I have a small growth...I just noticed it shortly after my relapse.  I thought nothing of it at first, but it seems to be growing rapidly. After all I have been through, could this be real?  Could my life really be about to change forever?

It started about 1/16 of an inch in diameter, which is common for a mustard seed grain.  It is of the smallest seeds on the planet, but that's the one I have....as a matter of fact, it is all I have...a tiny seed of faith...

I have this one little speck of faith...faith that God is actually capable of directing my life toward wholeness, faith that there is a power at work inside me changing everything...faith that God created me intentionally...faith that I am not a mistake.

I don't have a lot of faith...I just have a little bit.  But the faith that I do have is REAL. See, my faith is tested daily, sometimes hourly. I have to rely on what I believe to be true of God and myself just to survive. The second I question it, I am surely hours away from having a needle in my arm, delusion in my mind, fear in my heart, straps around my body in a sanitarium van, or laying on a bed of satin with six feet of dirt on top. 

This little bitty faith I have is what I am clinging to...but it is growing.  I learned from my parent's that if I had faith even as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible to me.  Interestingly, that tiny seed of faith seems to be growing quickly, as I water it with actions that affirm my belief and provide the good soil of surrender. I don't really feel like I am doing a whole lot to grow my faith, but I am making sure that I am reading and listening to God's words...at least some.

It seems like God takes what seems to be almost miniscule faith and barely existent hope and performs some sort of miracle. ....I mean, I'm not complaining. It is just surprising, I guess. Maybe that is one of God's favorite things...creating something out of nothing...turns out,  He is the only one who can do that.

Matthew 17:20 (NIV)
Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

I Was Offered the Really Good Sh*t

I got off work yesterday and went by the gas station to pick up a pack of cigarettes. (my sponsor told me to quit one thing at a time...LOL) The guy in front of me finished paying, turned around and asked me how I was doing...how nice! ...then he said, "I've got some really good sh*t...I got REALLY good sh*t...I got the good sh*t man."

In one second, I was thinking how nice the world was treating me.  The next second, my heart started racing, I felt a knot in my stomach and I just wanted to know what kind of sh*t  I thought...well, I don't want to do anything, but I could at least ask what kind of stuff it is so I know if it is meth, weed, heroin, blow, crack, etc. 

I felt like I had two race horses inside of me and someone had fired off a gun...the problem was that the horses were going in two different directions and I felt like I was falling apart. I remembered that I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING! ..it didn't feel like peace...it felt like anxiety...it felt like worry...it didn't feel like a place of being at rest.  At the moment, that is how I know if I am not walking in surrender and alignment with God.

All of these thoughts happened within a matter 10 seconds. I answered, "No man, I used to do the good sh*t...now I'm CLEAN...and I don't need that sh*t!

I called my sponsor on the way home and told him what happened...I wish at that moment all the desire to use went away, but it didn't.  It took about an hour for the intense feeling to go away.

I could have asked what he was selling...but my sponsor told me a while back, "FEED THE DOG YOU WANT TO GET BIGGER."  I want the dog of addiction and destruction to get smaller.  I want the dog of surrendered, God centered living to get bigger.

That dog of addiction will die...#tryingtostarvethedog

Hair-Do sobs and Gratitude

It's so weird...I feel so good. 

I am 38 years old and learning how to be a lunchtime server at a restaurant, have no health insurance, making just a little money, living in my parent's home, drive an old Honda, (when it gets out of the shop) and don't have a lot going on outside of work and home...

...and I don't think I have ever felt so at peace.  I feel so content being right where I am, doing exactly what I am doing.

I have been practicing total honesty with myself, God and my sponsor.  I feel clean...  I feel light...  I feel free...  I am not so worried about whether I am living up to someone else's expectation.  I am absolutely confident that, at this moment, I am absolutely pleasing to God. And I am also pleased with myself.  I am living in a way that doesn't erode my self worth.

I woke up this morning with such a sense of gratitude.  I was singing songs to God in the shower and continued as I got ready.  I started crying so hard, I couldn't hardly see to blow dry my hair (and if you know me, that's a pretty important time for me...fixing my hair) LOL!!

I walked my dog and started thanking God for letting me live through this last relapse, for helping me to regain sanity in my mind, for extending such grace and mercy to such a repeat offender, for giving me such a beautiful place to live, for letting me have a job I enjoy, for giving me a sponsor who leads me toward a life I've never known, for letting me be with my dog, for giving me a voice to return praise, for giving me parents who live out Christ-likeness - for realz, for helping me to start seeing myself as designed intentionally instead of shamefully broken, for giving me a peace and contentment in my heart that I can barely explain...

I do not know what tomorrow holds...but I know Who holds tomorrow.  I don't know if I will ever be important to many...but I know now that I am important to One!  ...and for this, I am grateful.

...Just for today!

Psalms 3:8 (Message)
Real help comes from God. Your blessing clothes your people!

We Have a Choice...Choose Hope!!

Normally, people experience pain and recoil immediately.  They touch a hot stove, draw their hand back and don't touch it again. ...not so with addiction.  The hot stove is touched...the addict gets burned, and experiences a sensation that is interpreted as 'needed for survival'...satisfaction and fulfillment is not achieved...the addict returns to the hot stove for another attempt at meeting the need.  (remember, the need is survival!)

This brings the addict, according to William James (Professor and Author), to find his or her pain threshold.  The beauty of this painfully morbid process is that, "For some of them [addicts], the process of reaching that limit becomes the opportunity to effect radical transformation of their lives," says James.

I don't claim to fully understand why I would make choices that place my own life in the throws of hardship, danger and pain...why I would take one chance after another to make things right, and throw each away with greater destruction than the prior...why I would beg for God to forgive me, take me back and change me, then, in an instant, jump willingly out of His hand into the bowels of hell.

While I do not fully understand, I do understand in part.  I know that addiction is fraught with deception and delusion.  I know that there is an enemy of my soul who wants only to destroy my life and the lives of everyone around me.  I know that I have been given the greatest power one could ever be given: THE POWER OF CHOICE. 

I Choose to surrender my life and my will over to a Power greater than myself!  I Choose to believe that God can restore my life to sanity!  I Choose to see the unending grace and mercy of an eternally loving God! 

I Choose to walk out of guilt, condemnation, self-loathing, self-pity, denial, secrecy, dishonesty, bitterness, blame, insecurity, defensiveness, protecting myself with brashness and pride, covering up the beauty that God has placed in me!!!!

I Choose to walk into the LIGHT!!!!!  I Choose to walk into the goodness and blessing of an intrinsically GOOD God!!!!!

I have a choice...I Choose HOPE

Romans 5:5 (NIV)
"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

When I Was High...My Mom Wrote:

On March 25th, when I was high, out of my mind...not communicating with my family and certainly not checking messages...my mom wrote this message to me on Facebook
(I just read it):

If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and seen all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you... ... ... If God had told me, "This soul would one day need extra care and have special needs", I still would have chosen you.  If He had told me, "This soul may make your heart bleed", I still would have chosen you.  If He had told me, "This soul would make you question the depth of your faith", I still would have chosen you.  

If He had told me, "This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river", I still would have chosen you.  If He had told me, "This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you.  If He had told me, "All that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you.
 Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you.

We Fall Down...But We Get Up

I thought I had it...I felt like I really wanted to be well... but I relapsed.  On March 20th, I used Crystal Meth...I shot it up and didn't stop.  I shot up 2 or 3 times a day for 1 week.  The evening of March 27th, I was paranoid, delusional, starving, exhausted, ashamed, lost, and felt like I couldn't possibly face anyone.

I flew to Los Angeles to run away from everyone and everything.  I didn't use in LA.  As I began to come to my senses, I realized that I couldn't run...I couldn't hide...I had to face it.  I needed to face life on life's terms.  I needed to come before God, my family, my friends, MYSELF, and confess that I blew it!

I FELL DOWN...

You see, I let a little space inside me be hidden...secret...just a little thing that I was supposed to be honest about.  I had committed to myself and my sponsor that I would not have any contact, whatsoever, with those from my using past. 

It was around 60 days of sobriety that I reconnected with a using friend of mine.  I didn't use and this friend told me that our connection was helping keep him stay clean and sober.  I thought it would be ok...but I could not tell my sponsor about it.  He wouldn't understand.  It was right then, that I created a dark, hidden place inside of me that would grow...rob me of my confidence...give space for other secrets, dishonesty, darkness.  I didn't know it at the time, but using would be inevitable, I had already started down the road to relapse....and I did. But....

I GOT UP...

March 28th is my new sobriety date.  It has taken over a week for me to regain the strength to get out of bed and get around like normal. 

...I am committed to be rigorously honest with myself, God, my sponsor, and others.

...I am surrendered to God to do in me whatever He wants, no matter how it seems to me.

...I am broken, knowing that I cannot make it on my own.  I need help

...I am hopeful, standing in the promise that the God of my understanding will never leave me or forsake me, knows my end from the beginning, will complete the work He has begun in me, will renew my mind as I surround myself with His words, will catch the tears that fall from my eyes and turn them into hope, will fill my heart with a joy that I do not deserve and that I cannot understand.

Proverbs 24:16 (Message)
Don’t interfere with good people’s lives;
    don’t try to get the best of them.
No matter how many times you trip them up,
    God-loyal people don’t stay down long;
Soon they’re up on their feet,