For many years, my Father would go out to the road where I departed and call out for me. He would call out that He still wanted me and that whatever I had done and wherever I had been, it would not keep me from His love.
You see, I did not understand a Father's love. I thought I knew what He wanted me to be and do. I thought I knew His expectations. I thought I knew what had to be done to warrant His embrace. But I felt that I was unworthy for my Father's house. I could never live up to the expectations I had constructed in my mind. As much as I tried, I could not seem to achieve the model befitting of an heir.
So, I left...
I left with my gifts, talents and abilities and squandered them on trying to build a life that might replicate the one I had abandoned. I tried to make my own name great. I tried to display my talents as my own. I tried to be benevolent with the gifts afforded my life.
But the inheritance I took with me ran out. I had nothing left to give. I was empty and afraid. I became angry that I could not be part of the rich life I left behind and disappointed that I could not make it on my own.
So, I resigned to live the life of a beggar and a servant. I served my base desires and begged for more of what would not fill me. I was bereft of hope and sorely needing answers.
It was just then, I heard what seemed to be a familiar voice. I barely recognized it, but it instantly soothed me. With what strength I had left, I crawled toward it. The closer I came, the stronger the sound...was it my Father?
Could it be? But I had traveled so far? ...and not even the company I was keeping could recognize me. For a moment, I thought of how dirty I was and how I had squandered everything my Father gave to me. But the sound of His voice....YES, it was my Father!
I tried to get to my feet but my strength failed and I fell to my knees. I could go no further. But the voice grew stronger and I could hear Him say, "I am coming! Here I come! I am coming to get you, my son! I still love you! Your Daddy still loves you! PRODIGAL SON!!!...come back to my heart!"
I couldn't look up as He reached me. I was ashamed of what I had become. All I could see were the tears on the ground beneath me. Then I saw His tears splash into mine. He grabbed my chin and lifted my face. He wiped my tears and told me that there is nothing that can separate me from His love. I tried to explain what I had done and that I would be happy to take the scraps from His table...that begging at His table would be better than dining in hopelessness.
At that, He lifted me into His arms and placed on me the robe of righteousness. He called out into the air..."this is my son! he has finally come home!"
There are many things I do not know...many things I do not understand. But, one thing I do know is that my Father loves me. He has gone to the ends of the earth to reach me. He has shown me that grace has no limits and His forgiveness keeps no record of wrong.
I am the recipient of the unending, limitless, unfathomable LOVE of God expressed through Jesus Christ, His Son.
I thank God today that I did not and do not have to die in hopelessness. God is not calling you and me to clean up and get up. He calls out for us to come home to His loving arms and receive the gift of righteousness through Jesus.
Tomorrow is not promised!
(P.S. Dear Alex, R.I.P. ...let me honor your death by proclaiming the hope of salvation in Jesus Christ. ...that no one else should die before hearing me proclaim it)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
My Chains
What does freedom look like?
I imagine a prisoner, held in a dark dungeon, bound by chains for years and years. The chains and shackles hurt his wrists and the cold, hard floor don't make for a comfortable bed. The prisoner dreams of one day seeing the sky and running around in the light of the sun. Then, one day the shackles are broken and the prisoner is told, BE FREE!
The man is overjoyed and bolts toward the open air. The sun is warm and the grass is soft. There is opportunity everywhere. But the man soon realizes that he doesn't know where to go or where he will work or where he should sleep or with whom he should associate...he doesn't know how to live life as a free man. So, he retreats to the dark, cold familiarity of the dungeon and grabs ahold of his chains...and continues to wonder what it would be like to live a life of freedom.
This has been my story of recovery. I have been set free from the shackles of bondage and addiction, but learning to live the life of a free man has not come easily. I have had to relearn everything...how to develop healthy friendships, how to spend my free time, how to be a responsible adult, how to respect myself and others, how to work, how to manage money, how to love, how to relate to God...EVERYTHING!
This past Sunday, I came to the altar at church, in response to a "Call to respond". I knelt, with my face in my hands and cried...and prayed. I let it all go. I told God how tired I was of trying to figure all of this out. I asked Him to take everything...all of my fears, hopes, disappointments, failures, dreams, even my relationship with Him...and guide me into a new season. I cried out, "I don't want to hold anything back. I don't want to be in charge of any part of my life. I am not good at it." I asked Him to take charge of it all. I asked Him to fill me with His presence and show me how to live this life of freedom.
God heard my cry for help.
I am experiencing what feels like a personal revival. I feel like I am grabbing ahold of God, but I am pretty sure He is grabbing ahold of me. I am daily placing my chains and shackles in His hands...so that I don't reach for them in a moment of fear or weakness. I am taking Him by the hand, so that He can lead me out into the warm light of the Son.
I imagine a prisoner, held in a dark dungeon, bound by chains for years and years. The chains and shackles hurt his wrists and the cold, hard floor don't make for a comfortable bed. The prisoner dreams of one day seeing the sky and running around in the light of the sun. Then, one day the shackles are broken and the prisoner is told, BE FREE!
The man is overjoyed and bolts toward the open air. The sun is warm and the grass is soft. There is opportunity everywhere. But the man soon realizes that he doesn't know where to go or where he will work or where he should sleep or with whom he should associate...he doesn't know how to live life as a free man. So, he retreats to the dark, cold familiarity of the dungeon and grabs ahold of his chains...and continues to wonder what it would be like to live a life of freedom.
This has been my story of recovery. I have been set free from the shackles of bondage and addiction, but learning to live the life of a free man has not come easily. I have had to relearn everything...how to develop healthy friendships, how to spend my free time, how to be a responsible adult, how to respect myself and others, how to work, how to manage money, how to love, how to relate to God...EVERYTHING!
This past Sunday, I came to the altar at church, in response to a "Call to respond". I knelt, with my face in my hands and cried...and prayed. I let it all go. I told God how tired I was of trying to figure all of this out. I asked Him to take everything...all of my fears, hopes, disappointments, failures, dreams, even my relationship with Him...and guide me into a new season. I cried out, "I don't want to hold anything back. I don't want to be in charge of any part of my life. I am not good at it." I asked Him to take charge of it all. I asked Him to fill me with His presence and show me how to live this life of freedom.
God heard my cry for help.
I am experiencing what feels like a personal revival. I feel like I am grabbing ahold of God, but I am pretty sure He is grabbing ahold of me. I am daily placing my chains and shackles in His hands...so that I don't reach for them in a moment of fear or weakness. I am taking Him by the hand, so that He can lead me out into the warm light of the Son.
I realize that I still don't know how to do it...to live life as a free man. But I do know that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. He asks us to stand firm and not let ourselves be burdened again with a yoke of slavery. So, for now, I will let Him lead me where I cannot lead myself.
God Help me to live in FREEDOM!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Shattered Beyond Repair
I am starting to realize that I am broken in so many areas of my life that I am just shattered beyond repair. I have lived in addiction for so long, it has altered my brain chemistry and even damaged my body. I have screwed myself up sexually so much that I need professional help just to sort out some of the issues. Financial responsibility...money is like water in my hands. My walk with God...I seem to go from hot to cold to hot to cold spiritually...from one week to the next. A career...what's that? ...don't ask me. Relationships...ummm, sometimes I don't even know if I am being genuine to strangers and loved ones alike.
Have you ever had a vase or fragile item that fell and broke into hundreds of pieces? You just look at it and realize that there is no way that it can ever be put back together to be what it once was. I believe that's me. I was just laying on my bed thinking about the hundreds of pieces of brokenness in my life. There is no way that my life could ever be put back together to look like what it once did. I can never follow the path that I always thought I would. I can never be what I always thought I would be.
Then I felt God's Spirit inside me say, "you are exactly right!" What?!?! ....that was not the affirming word I was looking for. Then I heard, "...some vessels must be broken into many pieces so that something totally different can be formed...something that doesn't even resemble the former vessel...it will be made of the same material and will have the same color and texture...but it will be a brand new shape and design...and it will have tiny little cracks all over it...so, yes, everyone will know that it was once shattered into many pieces and was very broken...it will be used for a new purpose and will show others who are shattered that there is hope for a broken vessel."
As with any vase or fragile item that has shattered, it takes time to pick up the pieces. That is what is happening with me now. Piece by piece, The Potter is forming something new and beautiful out of my brokenness. Sometimes it hurts...and sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I feel impatient because I can't tell what He is making and I feel useless. Sometimes I cry because some of the people I love have been cut by the sharp edges of my brokenness. Sometimes I feel regret because there was a measure of beauty to the vessel that I was before. But most of all, I am just grateful that all of the pieces are in The Potter's hand...my most loving Heavenly Father. He's pretty good at creating things.
...and as I am fond of saying: I love my Father...He loves me...and He'll never let me go!
Have you ever had a vase or fragile item that fell and broke into hundreds of pieces? You just look at it and realize that there is no way that it can ever be put back together to be what it once was. I believe that's me. I was just laying on my bed thinking about the hundreds of pieces of brokenness in my life. There is no way that my life could ever be put back together to look like what it once did. I can never follow the path that I always thought I would. I can never be what I always thought I would be.
Then I felt God's Spirit inside me say, "you are exactly right!" What?!?! ....that was not the affirming word I was looking for. Then I heard, "...some vessels must be broken into many pieces so that something totally different can be formed...something that doesn't even resemble the former vessel...it will be made of the same material and will have the same color and texture...but it will be a brand new shape and design...and it will have tiny little cracks all over it...so, yes, everyone will know that it was once shattered into many pieces and was very broken...it will be used for a new purpose and will show others who are shattered that there is hope for a broken vessel."
As with any vase or fragile item that has shattered, it takes time to pick up the pieces. That is what is happening with me now. Piece by piece, The Potter is forming something new and beautiful out of my brokenness. Sometimes it hurts...and sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I feel impatient because I can't tell what He is making and I feel useless. Sometimes I cry because some of the people I love have been cut by the sharp edges of my brokenness. Sometimes I feel regret because there was a measure of beauty to the vessel that I was before. But most of all, I am just grateful that all of the pieces are in The Potter's hand...my most loving Heavenly Father. He's pretty good at creating things.
...and as I am fond of saying: I love my Father...He loves me...and He'll never let me go!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Abuse Me...I Do
I remember being so cracked out from shooting up meth for so many days in a row that I just passed out on the toilette for a couple of hours...this was a public toilette. The tweaker dude I was using with (who I always used with) found me finally, woke me up, yelled at me and then punched me in the face, calling me every name in the book. I was stunned and hurt....but it was par for the course, really. I was used to being abused by then. I was consistently called crazy, stupid...demeaned, lied to, humiliated and made to feel like trash. This was not the only person to do this to me.
At this point in my life and recovery, it is hard to imagine why I would allow anyone to treat me this way. Why didn't I run at the first sign of abuse? Why didn't I stand up for myself and the injustice? Why would I allow anyone to call me crazy, stupid, trash?
WHY?
I now know why. My sponsor told me that I will only allow someone else to treat me as badly as I treat myself. As soon as they treat me worse than I treat myself, I will stop it...I won't allow it. Ummm, ok....but I didn't hit myself. I didn't call myself names and demean myself.....or did I?
Getting to some of my core beliefs about myself and about God has been a little trickier than I thought it would be. Here is a simplification of the process that has helped me get to the core issues:
1. What are my problem causing behaviors? ex: getting high; compulsive sex
2. What are the feelings I have surrounding these behaviors? ex: shame; anger; frustration
3. What are the thoughts I have ABOUT MYSELF surrounding these behaviors? ex: I am bad; I am dirty; I &%$^ everything up...always; there is no hope for me
These internal thoughts or "self-talk" didn't start with the drug use or sexually promiscuous behavior. It started when I began feeling shame and like there is something wrong with me. Lots of people feel that way at some point. And...if these feelings and thoughts aren't rebutted, but reinforced by our own agreement, as well as the opinion and input of others, then confirmed by our life experience....WELL...it becomes part of our internal belief system about ourselves...OUR CORE BELIEFS.
It is only natural then for me to attract and even welcome others who can help me prove what I believe about myself to be correct. "I am worthless...I am hopeless...I don't deserve good things...I always destroy everything...I can't have love that is pure...I can't have purpose here on earth" I believed it...why shouldn't they? They were only agreeing with me and treating me how I felt I deserved to be treated. I might as well have put out a welcome mat.
Recently, I have been dealing with my core beliefs about myself and addressing my internal self-talk. I am learning to be very careful with my words and quickly address negative feelings about myself or others. I am constantly reminding myself of my value and worth by saying out loud, "God loves me." I am saying it probably 30 times a day. I recently wrote a statement to myself that reads, "You are welcome here...You are accepted by God...You are, therefore, worthy of love from God and others...You are of value as a human being...You are worthy of recovery and sobriety...You have a calling and a destiny here on this earth...I love you and God adores you." I say this to myself, out loud.
I will no longer attract abusers. I will no longer try to destroy my life. I will no longer be fertile soil for negative and condemning words. Why? Because, I don't agree with those core statements anymore. I don't believe that they are true. So, if a spoon of bullshit soup starts coming toward me from a bowl of negativity...I tell them that I am on a NO-GARB diet. I have had enough. I get my sustenance from the Word of God and His Spirit living inside of me...which leads me into all truth....Mmm, Mmm, Mmm....and it tastes sooooo good. :-)
Psalm 34:8 (MSG) "Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is. Blessed are you who run to Him."
At this point in my life and recovery, it is hard to imagine why I would allow anyone to treat me this way. Why didn't I run at the first sign of abuse? Why didn't I stand up for myself and the injustice? Why would I allow anyone to call me crazy, stupid, trash?
WHY?
I now know why. My sponsor told me that I will only allow someone else to treat me as badly as I treat myself. As soon as they treat me worse than I treat myself, I will stop it...I won't allow it. Ummm, ok....but I didn't hit myself. I didn't call myself names and demean myself.....or did I?
Getting to some of my core beliefs about myself and about God has been a little trickier than I thought it would be. Here is a simplification of the process that has helped me get to the core issues:
1. What are my problem causing behaviors? ex: getting high; compulsive sex
2. What are the feelings I have surrounding these behaviors? ex: shame; anger; frustration
3. What are the thoughts I have ABOUT MYSELF surrounding these behaviors? ex: I am bad; I am dirty; I &%$^ everything up...always; there is no hope for me
These internal thoughts or "self-talk" didn't start with the drug use or sexually promiscuous behavior. It started when I began feeling shame and like there is something wrong with me. Lots of people feel that way at some point. And...if these feelings and thoughts aren't rebutted, but reinforced by our own agreement, as well as the opinion and input of others, then confirmed by our life experience....WELL...it becomes part of our internal belief system about ourselves...OUR CORE BELIEFS.
It is only natural then for me to attract and even welcome others who can help me prove what I believe about myself to be correct. "I am worthless...I am hopeless...I don't deserve good things...I always destroy everything...I can't have love that is pure...I can't have purpose here on earth" I believed it...why shouldn't they? They were only agreeing with me and treating me how I felt I deserved to be treated. I might as well have put out a welcome mat.
Recently, I have been dealing with my core beliefs about myself and addressing my internal self-talk. I am learning to be very careful with my words and quickly address negative feelings about myself or others. I am constantly reminding myself of my value and worth by saying out loud, "God loves me." I am saying it probably 30 times a day. I recently wrote a statement to myself that reads, "You are welcome here...You are accepted by God...You are, therefore, worthy of love from God and others...You are of value as a human being...You are worthy of recovery and sobriety...You have a calling and a destiny here on this earth...I love you and God adores you." I say this to myself, out loud.
I will no longer attract abusers. I will no longer try to destroy my life. I will no longer be fertile soil for negative and condemning words. Why? Because, I don't agree with those core statements anymore. I don't believe that they are true. So, if a spoon of bullshit soup starts coming toward me from a bowl of negativity...I tell them that I am on a NO-GARB diet. I have had enough. I get my sustenance from the Word of God and His Spirit living inside of me...which leads me into all truth....Mmm, Mmm, Mmm....and it tastes sooooo good. :-)
Psalm 34:8 (MSG) "Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is. Blessed are you who run to Him."
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Drugs and Porn Debulking Surgery
I have had a procedure done that has significantly reduced my cravings for drugs and to get high. As a matter of fact, I haven't had any cravings at all, haven't been triggered or had any desire to anesthetize my feelings or escape. I also have noticed that my compulsion toward sex and especially porn has dramatically decreased.
What is this miraculous, life-changing surgery? Debulking: "removal of a major portion of the material that composes a lesion, such as the surgical removal of most of a tumor so that there is less tumor load for subsequent treatment." The debulking was opening up my life, the dark places of secrecy, dishonesty, hiding, pretending, harboring shame, and living in fear....letting the light in...and walking forward in total authenticity.
All that confusion, fear and especially SHAME, was like a tumor. It just kept growing and growing and seemed to take over my life. It hurt. It made me afraid. It made me confused about whether God was proud of me or shaking His head in disappointment. It made me want to find any way possible to get out of my head and heart and the pain of dealing with it. It took all of my energy. I just wanted 'it' to go away or I wanted me to go away.
Regardless of what anyone's opinion is of my life choices, the act of coming into a place of real authenticity is a powerful thing. I don't feel any sort of block between me and God. As a matter of fact, I have felt the desire to cling to Him like never before. I feel like I am standing as a man, alone, before God...asking Him to guide me, direct me, speak to me....and especially, please don't let me go.
Now, I do feel like I have had surgery. LOL. I feel pretty sensitive emotionally and a little exhausted over the whole ordeal. But, I feel PEACE. YAY!!!!! I feel good inside. I feel joy when I am alone and around others. I feel excited when I am spending time with my Heavenly Father. I feel hope for my future. I feel a passion inside of me to seek God, to know Him. I don't feel afraid.
Does this mean I can stop working on my drug addiction and sexual compulsion recovery? Heck no. It means I am free to 'grab it by the balls'. I want recovery...I want sobriety...I want healthy living. And I will have it!
Just for today, I am grateful...
Just for today, I am sex and drug free...
Just for today, I'm freakin' smiling from ear to ear.
What is this miraculous, life-changing surgery? Debulking: "removal of a major portion of the material that composes a lesion, such as the surgical removal of most of a tumor so that there is less tumor load for subsequent treatment." The debulking was opening up my life, the dark places of secrecy, dishonesty, hiding, pretending, harboring shame, and living in fear....letting the light in...and walking forward in total authenticity.
All that confusion, fear and especially SHAME, was like a tumor. It just kept growing and growing and seemed to take over my life. It hurt. It made me afraid. It made me confused about whether God was proud of me or shaking His head in disappointment. It made me want to find any way possible to get out of my head and heart and the pain of dealing with it. It took all of my energy. I just wanted 'it' to go away or I wanted me to go away.
Regardless of what anyone's opinion is of my life choices, the act of coming into a place of real authenticity is a powerful thing. I don't feel any sort of block between me and God. As a matter of fact, I have felt the desire to cling to Him like never before. I feel like I am standing as a man, alone, before God...asking Him to guide me, direct me, speak to me....and especially, please don't let me go.
Now, I do feel like I have had surgery. LOL. I feel pretty sensitive emotionally and a little exhausted over the whole ordeal. But, I feel PEACE. YAY!!!!! I feel good inside. I feel joy when I am alone and around others. I feel excited when I am spending time with my Heavenly Father. I feel hope for my future. I feel a passion inside of me to seek God, to know Him. I don't feel afraid.
Does this mean I can stop working on my drug addiction and sexual compulsion recovery? Heck no. It means I am free to 'grab it by the balls'. I want recovery...I want sobriety...I want healthy living. And I will have it!
Just for today, I am grateful...
Just for today, I am sex and drug free...
Just for today, I'm freakin' smiling from ear to ear.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
I'm a Christian...I'm Gay
I am a Christian. I am gay. I love Jesus with all of my heart. I am deeply committed to following, whole heartedly, after God. I believe God has a purpose and a plan for my life. I believe God loves me more than I could ever understand. I am gay.
I have lived most of my life believing that who I am is an abomination, a sin, disgusting, perverted, condemned, set apart for hell, dark, shameful and pitiable. I spent years and years, since I was a boy, begging for God to change me, crying, hiding, loathing myself, wishing I could have a 'normal' problem. I spent 7 years in reparative therapy, inner healing, deliverance, exorcism, and discipleship...committing my life to the process of changing my sexual orientation. I mean, if God hates gay, then He will surely change it. I believed that 100% ...I cannot express in words, the level of intensity with which I have sought God, begged, fought, repented, wept, screamed, nearly lost my mind and many times just wanted to die....even begging God to take my life. I have spoken with some of the best and brightest therapists, some of the world's leading Christian ministers, read nearly every book on the subject, subjected myself to various programs.....all leaving me more disillusioned than before. ....and still gay.
It seems so easy for straight Christians to spout off what God thinks of it and what the bible says. It doesn't seem to bother them that they have never even studied the bible, the cultural context, the original language, the interpretation...sought God honestly and deeply about the subject...and in a simple phrase, shatter my entire world and sense of hope for this life and the next.
Imagine how horrified we Christians would be to find out from God himself that we had sent thousands, even millions away...'in His name'...to have Him say, "these are also my chosen ones and you are the ones who are deceived." Thousands of gay men and women commit suicide every year for this very reason. They are rejected by their families and told that they are rejected by God...unless, of course, they change.... something which they cannot.
Just this week, Exodus International...the most prominent organization ministering to gay people to help them walk out of homosexuality...closed it's doors, with a public apology for all of the harm it had caused.
Maybe you don't realize it, but much of the Christian world is awakening to the beautiful fact that God loves gay men and women and doesn't condemn them or a committed love relationship between two men or two women. Don't believe it? Why? ...because that's what the bible says? Does it?
If you care about me at all, I would challenge you to check out www.matthewvines.com and watch the video. You don't have to agree, but at least you will have made an effort to seek God and gain understanding on behalf of someone you care about....and so many others who have lost hope.
Coming to an understanding of God's love for me as a gay man is the ONLY reason I am not using drugs today. I still struggle against a lifetime of condemning belief and self loathing. But, I am letting God teach me and lead me into a life I could have never imagined.
I realize that I may lose a lot of friends by writing this. This may close many doors of opportunity for me. This may bring a barrage of preaching and condemning comments. I am not worried about that. My only concern is to seek the heart of Jesus and let Him guide me with His miraculous light. It is time for me to stand up and be proud of who God made me to be. I will not be ashamed of His work anymore.
I have to say that I did not sit down to write about this today. I have been scared to death at the thought of sharing this. But, I have been asking God to speak to me and asking Him to teach me to listen...and I would obey. I just felt incredibly compelled to write this...my heart. I hope I am acting in obedience...that is my heart's desire.
Jesus, give me strength to stand. Give me courage to fight....and I will return all honor and glory back to you!
I have lived most of my life believing that who I am is an abomination, a sin, disgusting, perverted, condemned, set apart for hell, dark, shameful and pitiable. I spent years and years, since I was a boy, begging for God to change me, crying, hiding, loathing myself, wishing I could have a 'normal' problem. I spent 7 years in reparative therapy, inner healing, deliverance, exorcism, and discipleship...committing my life to the process of changing my sexual orientation. I mean, if God hates gay, then He will surely change it. I believed that 100% ...I cannot express in words, the level of intensity with which I have sought God, begged, fought, repented, wept, screamed, nearly lost my mind and many times just wanted to die....even begging God to take my life. I have spoken with some of the best and brightest therapists, some of the world's leading Christian ministers, read nearly every book on the subject, subjected myself to various programs.....all leaving me more disillusioned than before. ....and still gay.
It seems so easy for straight Christians to spout off what God thinks of it and what the bible says. It doesn't seem to bother them that they have never even studied the bible, the cultural context, the original language, the interpretation...sought God honestly and deeply about the subject...and in a simple phrase, shatter my entire world and sense of hope for this life and the next.
Imagine how horrified we Christians would be to find out from God himself that we had sent thousands, even millions away...'in His name'...to have Him say, "these are also my chosen ones and you are the ones who are deceived." Thousands of gay men and women commit suicide every year for this very reason. They are rejected by their families and told that they are rejected by God...unless, of course, they change.... something which they cannot.
Just this week, Exodus International...the most prominent organization ministering to gay people to help them walk out of homosexuality...closed it's doors, with a public apology for all of the harm it had caused.
Maybe you don't realize it, but much of the Christian world is awakening to the beautiful fact that God loves gay men and women and doesn't condemn them or a committed love relationship between two men or two women. Don't believe it? Why? ...because that's what the bible says? Does it?
If you care about me at all, I would challenge you to check out www.matthewvines.com and watch the video. You don't have to agree, but at least you will have made an effort to seek God and gain understanding on behalf of someone you care about....and so many others who have lost hope.
Coming to an understanding of God's love for me as a gay man is the ONLY reason I am not using drugs today. I still struggle against a lifetime of condemning belief and self loathing. But, I am letting God teach me and lead me into a life I could have never imagined.
I realize that I may lose a lot of friends by writing this. This may close many doors of opportunity for me. This may bring a barrage of preaching and condemning comments. I am not worried about that. My only concern is to seek the heart of Jesus and let Him guide me with His miraculous light. It is time for me to stand up and be proud of who God made me to be. I will not be ashamed of His work anymore.
I have to say that I did not sit down to write about this today. I have been scared to death at the thought of sharing this. But, I have been asking God to speak to me and asking Him to teach me to listen...and I would obey. I just felt incredibly compelled to write this...my heart. I hope I am acting in obedience...that is my heart's desire.
Jesus, give me strength to stand. Give me courage to fight....and I will return all honor and glory back to you!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Depression...The Help I Need
I knew something was really wrong when I could barely pry myself out of bed a few days in a row. Over the weekend, I would try to get up and do something but just gave in to the overwhelming urge to bury myself in my bed and put the covers over my head.
I had been going to work and going to recovery meetings but nothing felt like "life". I guess it's called depression. The problem is, for a person like me, depression is dangerous. I already fight urges to escape normal life emotions to get high. I wasn't sure whether I was staying in bed because I was so depressed or if I was a little depressed and afraid that if I got out of bed, I would certainly have a needle in my arm within hours.
I asked for help.
I have taken a break from my normal life duties to get some help. I just started seeing a counselor and am taking part in some other therapy oriented activities. I couldn't afford to go back down the path I have been so many times before.
I really struggle with trusting others to lead me. I have given over control of my life to others on several different occasions over the past 13 years and have ended up with more confusion and self-loathing than I started with. I'm scared. I'm scared to trust others to lead me but I'm equally as scared to trust myself.
That's where God comes in... I am realizing that, even though I have put a great deal of focus on God during my recovery, I have not pursued the type of personal, communicative, trusting relationship with God that my life needs. When I solely lean on others to direct my life, I don't feel the personal conviction and passion that inspires purpose, vision and hope. When I solely lean on myself to direct my life, I easily deceive myself and give in to wanton desires.
I think God wants me to focus on learning to hear His voice, know His heart and understand His ways. The only way I know to do that is reading His words, setting aside time to talk with Him and most importantly...listen for Him. I know that God speaks in many different ways....I just want to grow more familiar with the sound of it. As this happens, I believe that I will know more clearly when the direction from others and direction coming from me....is actually coming from Him.
I know I need to be able to trust others. I know that I need to be able to trust myself. But, for now, I am learning to hear God's voice and trust that He will guide me through this.
I had been going to work and going to recovery meetings but nothing felt like "life". I guess it's called depression. The problem is, for a person like me, depression is dangerous. I already fight urges to escape normal life emotions to get high. I wasn't sure whether I was staying in bed because I was so depressed or if I was a little depressed and afraid that if I got out of bed, I would certainly have a needle in my arm within hours.
I asked for help.
I have taken a break from my normal life duties to get some help. I just started seeing a counselor and am taking part in some other therapy oriented activities. I couldn't afford to go back down the path I have been so many times before.
I really struggle with trusting others to lead me. I have given over control of my life to others on several different occasions over the past 13 years and have ended up with more confusion and self-loathing than I started with. I'm scared. I'm scared to trust others to lead me but I'm equally as scared to trust myself.
That's where God comes in... I am realizing that, even though I have put a great deal of focus on God during my recovery, I have not pursued the type of personal, communicative, trusting relationship with God that my life needs. When I solely lean on others to direct my life, I don't feel the personal conviction and passion that inspires purpose, vision and hope. When I solely lean on myself to direct my life, I easily deceive myself and give in to wanton desires.
I think God wants me to focus on learning to hear His voice, know His heart and understand His ways. The only way I know to do that is reading His words, setting aside time to talk with Him and most importantly...listen for Him. I know that God speaks in many different ways....I just want to grow more familiar with the sound of it. As this happens, I believe that I will know more clearly when the direction from others and direction coming from me....is actually coming from Him.
I know I need to be able to trust others. I know that I need to be able to trust myself. But, for now, I am learning to hear God's voice and trust that He will guide me through this.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
HE TOOK ME BACK
He Took Me Back - by Jeffry E. Shelton
I had come to realize that my life's not my own
For all the living I'd done, I had naught to show
I came crawling back to the feet of my Father
I was ashamed to approach Him, I shouldn't even bother
I didn't deserve the least of any gift
But with His hand to my chin, my face He did lift
With tears in His eyes, He laid out the call
And said that He loves me just the same when I fall
He made sure I knew, regardless of me, He'd still give
So I handed Him my life, so that through me He'd live
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I WILL BE FREE
I Will Be Free - by Jeffry E. Shelton
If the walls of this prison I could but see
I would know what to do to set myself free
But how does one fight a battle to win
When the war that rages is lying within
So dropping my weapons, I removed my crown
Losing all strength, to my knees I fell down
Crying, "Lord, there is nothing more I can now do
If I'm to be free, it will have to be you"
Just as I spoke, out of heaven did fall
The helmet of salvation, full armor and all
But the suit was fit for a giant in size
So I looked again, now with spiritual eyes
There stood the warrior that soon I would be
I will win the battle...
Oh yes! I will be free!
Monday, June 24, 2013
The Tree Of Me
THE TREE OF ME - by Jeffry E. Shelton
The acorn does not know what kind of tree it will become. It doesn't worry about figuring out how to become an Oak Tree based on what a bunch of other seeds say a tree looks like.
What if an acorn lay alone amongst a pile of Willow seeds, ever contemplating how to grow into the beautiful shape, color and design of the Willow? Could the acorn ever become a Willow tree? Should it?
The acorn's only responsibility is to surrender to the process of germination (dying to self and surrendering to the process of becoming).
The Oak Tree emerges because that is what the acorn was always designed to be. The acorn must only surrender.
I do not yet see the tree that I will become. And it doesn't matter what anyone else says my tree will look like. It only matters that I surrender to the process of becoming.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Driving to Get Drugs & Sex...God's Tears
There are several routes I can take to get home from work. I must have looked like I was insane...turning this way then that way. I kept making turns to follow what my mind was telling me. Go 'this way' and you can just see if there is the possibility of getting drugs. Turn 'that way' and go straight home as quickly as possible. Go 'this way' and maybe have a sexual encounter. Go 'that way' and get far enough toward home that this will subside. Go 'this way', because you don't have to do anything...you can just check it out. Go 'that way' because you have never been able to check it out without doing it.
I turned on my Kirk Franklin music and listened to the song "I AM". The song mentions that, "I am so far from perfect...I thought life was worthless...until you showed me who I am...not here by mistake...now love called me, Grace."
I found nothing to keep me from using drugs, engaging in demoralizing sex and destructive behavior except for the belief that God has a purpose for me and I can only discover that as I walk listening to His voice. I made it home.
I sometimes serve tables where people are discussing important things: How to guide the city in this direction...how to market this for maximum impact...how to maximize sales for company-wide growth. It seems like these people have a sense of great purpose. I want one.
I want to feel like what I do matters. I want to feel like my life is significant. I want to feel like it is rolling in a specific direction, gaining momentum and will be like a giant snowball rushing through humanity.
Maybe those thoughts are selfish and self absorbed. I just want to know that I matter. I know I matter to God, but then I might as well be with Him. I would be removed from all of this struggle, pain, confusion and sadness. If God is keeping me here on this earth, there must be a reason.
I don't think I have any answers today. I am looking out my window and I can see that it is raining...storming actually. I imagine that the rain is God's tears and they fall down on me and join my tears and wash me, cleans me and hold me. I just think I need to be held sometimes. That is what the rain is to me, today...God holding me.
I turned on my Kirk Franklin music and listened to the song "I AM". The song mentions that, "I am so far from perfect...I thought life was worthless...until you showed me who I am...not here by mistake...now love called me, Grace."
I found nothing to keep me from using drugs, engaging in demoralizing sex and destructive behavior except for the belief that God has a purpose for me and I can only discover that as I walk listening to His voice. I made it home.
I sometimes serve tables where people are discussing important things: How to guide the city in this direction...how to market this for maximum impact...how to maximize sales for company-wide growth. It seems like these people have a sense of great purpose. I want one.
I want to feel like what I do matters. I want to feel like my life is significant. I want to feel like it is rolling in a specific direction, gaining momentum and will be like a giant snowball rushing through humanity.
Maybe those thoughts are selfish and self absorbed. I just want to know that I matter. I know I matter to God, but then I might as well be with Him. I would be removed from all of this struggle, pain, confusion and sadness. If God is keeping me here on this earth, there must be a reason.
I don't think I have any answers today. I am looking out my window and I can see that it is raining...storming actually. I imagine that the rain is God's tears and they fall down on me and join my tears and wash me, cleans me and hold me. I just think I need to be held sometimes. That is what the rain is to me, today...God holding me.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Sick of Christianity...I Don't Fit The Mold
I'm sick of Christianity. I am sick of all the rules and norms that are so widely held on to that define who is going to heaven and who is not. I didn't say that I am sick of God or what God thinks of me...or what He wants for me. I just think it is really easy to say, "this is how God wants it"...when your life easily slides right into that mold.
Well, what about all of the people...like me...who don't fit that mold? What about people who love God and desperately want the peace, beauty and ultimate purpose that comes from a deeply personal relationship with Him...but are told, "You cannot!"
All of my struggles with drugs, sex, addiction, codependency, self-loathing and destructive behavior come from a deeply rooted belief that something is wrong with me that cannot be fixed. I have been through so many inner-healing sessions, programs, years of intense reparative therapy, casting out demons, binding, releasing, begging, praying, fasting, washing, deals with God.... I can't tell you the number of times I have laid on a bathroom floor with my knees to my chest, crying out to God to please change me or take my life. When I was a young teenager, I would sometimes make a commitment to God that I would pray for a solid hour every day when the other kids or my brothers were playing...if he would please make me normal and ok. I remember creating rituals of taking a shower and scrubbing myself and praying (begging) for God to cleanse me and change me. I promised God during college that I would deprive myself of ever loving and being loved for His sake.
I JUST WANTED, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, TO FEEL UNASHAMED BEFORE GOD.
I believe in the bible 'God's Word' as much as any Christian. ...maybe more than some. I seek God in His Word...I need for Him to reveal Himself to me...my life and eternity depend on it. I have been seeking God with every bit of honesty and passion within me. And, unlike years past, I have come to God asking for Him to reveal His will for me...not everyone else's. It is God's Word...It is God's world...and I am His. I have come to understand that He desires for me to know the truth and have His presence, love, acceptance and purposes infinitely more than, even, I do.
It is amazing what God has been bringing my way, when I stop shoving my lifetime of 'what I always thought' down His throat and I just listen...honestly...with an open heart. You see, I told God that I want His will in my life...whatever that may be. But, I started with complete openness. I am not starting with an end result in mind or what I think that He thinks should happen. It was clear that I had no idea. So, I just listened...
Over the past few weeks, in so many ways, God has been revealing His heart to me...for me. I am not totally ready to share exactly what God has been showing me or what that might mean for me. But, I do know that you can know a tree by it's fruit. A tree that is healthy and increasing in health, will produce good fruit. A tree that is unhealthy and declining in health will produce more and more bad fruit. I am a tree that is being pruned back and maybe has that stake tied to it...holding it up. I am a tree being watered by God's presence and fed by His word. I am growing...and I believe that my fruit will speak for itself...Good or Bad.
Well, what about all of the people...like me...who don't fit that mold? What about people who love God and desperately want the peace, beauty and ultimate purpose that comes from a deeply personal relationship with Him...but are told, "You cannot!"
All of my struggles with drugs, sex, addiction, codependency, self-loathing and destructive behavior come from a deeply rooted belief that something is wrong with me that cannot be fixed. I have been through so many inner-healing sessions, programs, years of intense reparative therapy, casting out demons, binding, releasing, begging, praying, fasting, washing, deals with God.... I can't tell you the number of times I have laid on a bathroom floor with my knees to my chest, crying out to God to please change me or take my life. When I was a young teenager, I would sometimes make a commitment to God that I would pray for a solid hour every day when the other kids or my brothers were playing...if he would please make me normal and ok. I remember creating rituals of taking a shower and scrubbing myself and praying (begging) for God to cleanse me and change me. I promised God during college that I would deprive myself of ever loving and being loved for His sake.
I JUST WANTED, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, TO FEEL UNASHAMED BEFORE GOD.
I believe in the bible 'God's Word' as much as any Christian. ...maybe more than some. I seek God in His Word...I need for Him to reveal Himself to me...my life and eternity depend on it. I have been seeking God with every bit of honesty and passion within me. And, unlike years past, I have come to God asking for Him to reveal His will for me...not everyone else's. It is God's Word...It is God's world...and I am His. I have come to understand that He desires for me to know the truth and have His presence, love, acceptance and purposes infinitely more than, even, I do.
It is amazing what God has been bringing my way, when I stop shoving my lifetime of 'what I always thought' down His throat and I just listen...honestly...with an open heart. You see, I told God that I want His will in my life...whatever that may be. But, I started with complete openness. I am not starting with an end result in mind or what I think that He thinks should happen. It was clear that I had no idea. So, I just listened...
Over the past few weeks, in so many ways, God has been revealing His heart to me...for me. I am not totally ready to share exactly what God has been showing me or what that might mean for me. But, I do know that you can know a tree by it's fruit. A tree that is healthy and increasing in health, will produce good fruit. A tree that is unhealthy and declining in health will produce more and more bad fruit. I am a tree that is being pruned back and maybe has that stake tied to it...holding it up. I am a tree being watered by God's presence and fed by His word. I am growing...and I believe that my fruit will speak for itself...Good or Bad.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Is This As Good As It Gets?
Have you ever opened your eyes in the morning and asked yourself, "is this it? ...is this all there is? ...is this my life?" - wake up feeling lonely and not sure if I want to fight through this stuff another day... wanting to be creative and change the world but knowing I need to be ready to mop floors, take orders and bus tables...
I always believed that I could do anything I want to do and be anything I want to be. But life happens...disappointment happens...struggle happens...failure happens...sh*t happens. And then it is easier to believe that the life I have now is just about as good as it gets. Now, compared to hiding behind dumpsters, sleeping outside and getting hypothermia, being rescued from the rooftop of a building in downtown Los Angeles, hating myself and believing God had utterly rejected me...I'd say I am in a good place.
But, is there more? ....How do I get there?
My dad always told me that you cannot accurately plan a trip to a destination and get there successfully, if you don't know where you are starting from. Whoah, thanks captain obvious! ...duh. Yeah, not duh... I thought I knew where I was. I used my job, my salary, my friends, my relationship, my popularity, my geographic location, my fancy apartment to show me exactly where I was. The problem was that those external props don't show me where I am....they only show me what I have.
This is the beauty of this season of my life...it is showing me where I really am. I am a guy who has to live with his parents. I am a guy who cannot handle open access to the internet. I am a guy who can't afford a car that doesn't accumulate puddles in the floorboard when it rains. I am a guy who fights everyday just to stay sober. I am a guy who has to remind myself that I am not a failure and less than everyone around me. I am a guy who knows exactly where he is...for the first time in his life. I don't have the external props to give me a false starting point.
That means that when I talk to God, I am coming from an authentic place. I know what I am asking for...I know how much I need God. I know that anything good in me has come directly from Him.
Great News, I know how to get where I want to go. Mind you, I have no idea what that is going to look like, where it is geographically or really much at all about where I am going....YET, I know how to get there. How?? ....you say??
I know where I am and I have instructions for the journey:
ASK..PLAN..WALK..TRUST
James 1:5 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
Proverbs 16:9 - "The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
2 Corinthians 5:7 - "For we walk by faith, not by sight."
Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't lean solely on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge trust in God, and He will make your paths straight."
Does this mean that I will tiptoe through the tulips today singing Doris Day songs? ....umm, well maybe. ....but not because I have no worries and this process isn't tough.
It just means that I can ask God for help... plan my life the best way I know how... walk forward confidently, in faith... trust that God will direct my steps and lead me to a more beautiful future than I could have planned alone, as I consistently acknowledge Him.
Oops...I better get ready for work. Serving tables....here I come!!!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Last Night's Battle...Life's Great Lesson
Well, just in case I haven't made it obvious, the reality and nature of my addiction...here goes -
Since I had the porn blocker installed on my computer and my phone, it's like internal mayhem. This was like, the last escape mechanism I had. My sponsor has constantly repeated to me that I will find anything and everything as a tool to escape dealing with life and difficult emotions, and numb out.
Yeah, yeah yeah...I get it. UMMMM, no I didn't. I kept feeling like my life without Crystal Meth was shaping up and I was starting to feel some noticeable benefit from sobriety. However, I made the difficult decision to deal with the sexual side of my addiction. A content blocker seemed to be a logical step in reigning in the beast and trying to deal with whatever is going on.
Whoah, the past three days I have had incredible urges to get high...on my way home from work, it crosses my mind that I can't get that stimulation fix when I get home, so I start thinking about that initial rush when I stick the needle in my arm. Sucks! I have laid down to go to bed the last three nights and as soon as I close my eyes, all these horrible memories of using, getting paranoid, being used and abused...anger and hatred at the aggressors, fear of what might come, afraid because I am still afraid....what the &%^&^!!!! ...I guess a lot of stuff is coming up that I have been numbing out or escaping.
So, last night, exhausted and broken, I started talking to God... I was like,
"God, seriously...I am not sure what I am supposed to do with all of this? ...I am trying to make the right decisions, but I end up sleepless, paranoid, flashbacks, stomach problems, fever blisters on my lips, and wanting to use more than ever. I need your help. I know now....I really know that you love me and are leading me into a beautiful life and that you love me just the way I am...so, I need your healing presence. I need your empowering grace, I need to remember that all authority in heaven, on earth and below the earth is yours....and I should feel no shame in coming to you boldly to ask for you to move on my behalf. Hey, You said it, Hebrews 4:16 (NLT) So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
....So I am here and I need You...fight on my behalf...I know that because of what Jesus did, I have authority...I know that according to Isaiah 54:17 no weapon forged against me will prevail, and I will refute every tongue that accuses me. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is my vindication from God, says God...as a matter of fact, Psalm 91:7 says, Though a thousand fall at my side, though ten thousand are dying around me, these evils will not touch me. Oh yeah, 1 John 4:4, The Spirit of God in me is, hands down, infinitely greater than any spirit that tries to get at me here in this world.
Ohhhh, what was that you nasty little devil sitting on my shoulder? ....did you just tell me that my life is judged and condemned and I will always live life at the bottom, struggling? .....yeah, I thought that's what you said.
Since I had the porn blocker installed on my computer and my phone, it's like internal mayhem. This was like, the last escape mechanism I had. My sponsor has constantly repeated to me that I will find anything and everything as a tool to escape dealing with life and difficult emotions, and numb out.
Yeah, yeah yeah...I get it. UMMMM, no I didn't. I kept feeling like my life without Crystal Meth was shaping up and I was starting to feel some noticeable benefit from sobriety. However, I made the difficult decision to deal with the sexual side of my addiction. A content blocker seemed to be a logical step in reigning in the beast and trying to deal with whatever is going on.
Whoah, the past three days I have had incredible urges to get high...on my way home from work, it crosses my mind that I can't get that stimulation fix when I get home, so I start thinking about that initial rush when I stick the needle in my arm. Sucks! I have laid down to go to bed the last three nights and as soon as I close my eyes, all these horrible memories of using, getting paranoid, being used and abused...anger and hatred at the aggressors, fear of what might come, afraid because I am still afraid....what the &%^&^!!!! ...I guess a lot of stuff is coming up that I have been numbing out or escaping.
So, last night, exhausted and broken, I started talking to God... I was like,
"God, seriously...I am not sure what I am supposed to do with all of this? ...I am trying to make the right decisions, but I end up sleepless, paranoid, flashbacks, stomach problems, fever blisters on my lips, and wanting to use more than ever. I need your help. I know now....I really know that you love me and are leading me into a beautiful life and that you love me just the way I am...so, I need your healing presence. I need your empowering grace, I need to remember that all authority in heaven, on earth and below the earth is yours....and I should feel no shame in coming to you boldly to ask for you to move on my behalf. Hey, You said it, Hebrews 4:16 (NLT) So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
....So I am here and I need You...fight on my behalf...I know that because of what Jesus did, I have authority...I know that according to Isaiah 54:17 no weapon forged against me will prevail, and I will refute every tongue that accuses me. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is my vindication from God, says God...as a matter of fact, Psalm 91:7 says, Though a thousand fall at my side, though ten thousand are dying around me, these evils will not touch me. Oh yeah, 1 John 4:4, The Spirit of God in me is, hands down, infinitely greater than any spirit that tries to get at me here in this world.
Ohhhh, what was that you nasty little devil sitting on my shoulder? ....did you just tell me that my life is judged and condemned and I will always live life at the bottom, struggling? .....yeah, I thought that's what you said.
I guess I will have to remind you that I read that little bit in Galatians 2:20 that said, My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me....
Whoomp, there it is!!! Holler at that!!! ...and I ain't no holler back, boy!!! ...so get to steppin'!!!
Thanks God...You ROCK!!! ...Amen!"
Well, that's basically how it went down last night in my bed at 2AM. It worked. All of that crap in my head and heart was cleared. So, I stepped out onto the back porch, had a cigarette, went back to my bed and fell right to sleep.
Did I have to deal with that crap in my head again today? Yep...but I knew what to do with it. I know it will get easier and I will get on the other side of some of this initial pain and struggle. But these are the lessons that will make the way for further growth, greater victory and lasting peace.
Grateful for the lesson...respectful of the pain...finding purpose in it all!!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Throwing up blood...and porn blocking
I woke up yesterday throwing up blood. I didn't really feel sick but had the overwhelming urge to throw up. I was kind of freaked out at the thought of throwing up blood. I spoke to my dad and my sponsor about it. It turns out they both have had stomach ulcers and have thrown up blood before.
Why would I have a stomach ulcer though? I am working really hard to live a life that invites peace. My sponsor said that whether I realize it consciously or not, I am going through major life change...and the stakes are high.
So, I have decided to do what I can to reduce stress: I am starting a workout routine this week, I am going to make sure to speak to God (out loud..for my benefit) about all of my cares and hand them over to him, I am meeting with a gentleman this week who will install a porn blocker on my phone and computer. ....anything and everything to assist me in walking down the road to wholeness.
P.S. I didn't throw up blood this morning, so I think things are looking up.
I will just continue to try to do the next right thing...Just for today.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I Want to Slam Meth Now...Playing The Tape Through
I want to use crystal meth....I want to Slam it (shoot up). I want to be out of my mind with extreme pleasure. That's the desire that I have right now. There is this place where I am likely to score some "T" (crystal meth) and I can buy some needles from the drug store. I will then need a place to get high. I will need to get a cheap motel for the night. I will shoot it up and then get online to try to find others who want to get high with me. I will then spend more money to get me and others high. I will then engage in incomprehensible demoralization.
It will be tomorrow night before I even realize it. I will then need to get more drugs....oh yeah, I will have skipped out on work and will have probably lost my job. My parents will not have slept...my entire family will probably have been up looking for me. I don't answer my phone. My sponsor, likely, will have had enough of me. I will be extremely paranoid and fear for my life. I will be so overcome with guilt and anxiety when I start to realize the situation I have put myself in, that I will want to just run away.
I will not have any means of income. I will have ostracized my family and friends. I will delete my Facebook account so that I don't have to deal with the shame. I will not care about my own life anymore. I will use and run and hide until I end up in a mental institution...perma-tweaked, in jail or dead. All of the beauty God is slowly working into my life, the opportunity to be a blessing and impact my world, the privilege of loving, the comfort of being a part of my family, the hope of knowing a life filled with peace....will all be lost.
I have just completed an exercise called "Playing The Tape Through". ....just following through with my current thoughts and desires to their logical and probable end. This helps me to dismantle overwhelming urges, to see them for what they really are...LIES. (I usually just do this in my head, when the urges are strong. But I thought I would share the process as I walked through it)
I think it is interesting that FEAR plays such a significant role in my 'getting high' experience.
F.E.A.R. - False..Evidence..Appearing..Real ....
My thoughts are no longer racing...I think I am going to spend some time singing to my Heavenly Father now...I need His presence!
It will be tomorrow night before I even realize it. I will then need to get more drugs....oh yeah, I will have skipped out on work and will have probably lost my job. My parents will not have slept...my entire family will probably have been up looking for me. I don't answer my phone. My sponsor, likely, will have had enough of me. I will be extremely paranoid and fear for my life. I will be so overcome with guilt and anxiety when I start to realize the situation I have put myself in, that I will want to just run away.
I will not have any means of income. I will have ostracized my family and friends. I will delete my Facebook account so that I don't have to deal with the shame. I will not care about my own life anymore. I will use and run and hide until I end up in a mental institution...perma-tweaked, in jail or dead. All of the beauty God is slowly working into my life, the opportunity to be a blessing and impact my world, the privilege of loving, the comfort of being a part of my family, the hope of knowing a life filled with peace....will all be lost.
I have just completed an exercise called "Playing The Tape Through". ....just following through with my current thoughts and desires to their logical and probable end. This helps me to dismantle overwhelming urges, to see them for what they really are...LIES. (I usually just do this in my head, when the urges are strong. But I thought I would share the process as I walked through it)
I think it is interesting that FEAR plays such a significant role in my 'getting high' experience.
F.E.A.R. - False..Evidence..Appearing..Real ....
My thoughts are no longer racing...I think I am going to spend some time singing to my Heavenly Father now...I need His presence!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I've Been Rescued...What God Spoke To Me
Yesterday was a series of events and conversations that I could not have put together if I tried. (and I'm pretty good at putting things together, LOL) I have so desperately wanted God to speak to me...I need answers or I can't possibly go on...am I working on all this drugs and sex stuff only to find out that I am still living in sin? ...must I seek reparative identity counseling again? ...must I walk confidently forward as I am? ...Help!!!
So, there is this story of a guy who hears of a coming flood and starts praying for God to rescue him. A police officer comes by soon after and offers to give the man a ride to higher ground before the water starts rising. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me! The water begins to rise...so much so that the man has to go to the second floor of his home. A neighbor comes by in his boat and yells to the man through his second story window and urges him to jump into his boat, lest he drowned. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me! The water rages higher and faster and the man finally retreats to his roof-top. A coast guard helicopter flies overhead and a loud voice barrels out from the chopper's megaphone, commanding him to climb the ladder into the safety of the aircraft, lest he die. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me!"
The man drowns.
As he stands before Jesus, he questions with bewilderment, "why didn't you save me?" Jesus answers, "I sent a police officer, a boat and a helicopter...what were you waiting for?"
I have received my police officer, boat and helicopter...
This is what God was saying to me through the four separate conversations and events yesterday:
1.) You are made in my image
2.) Receive my unconditional, unequivocal, radical mind bending/heart altering love for you...NOW!
3.) Start loving and respecting yourself, knowing I designed you PERFECTLY...no mistakes here.
4.) Surround yourself with those who can 100% embrace what I am doing in you. (incubator style)
5.) My mercies are new every morning...and every moment, it is morning somewhere...get some every time you need it, as often as you need it...don't worry, it's unending.
6.) My calling on your life is not contingent upon any other person's approval of you...mine is the only one you need...YOU'VE GOT IT!
7.) Walk with your head held high, like you know Who's you are!
8.) All of this junk in your life you have been battling... focus most of your effort on getting 1-7 down pat and I'm working on the junk for you. I've got you, son!
So, there is this story of a guy who hears of a coming flood and starts praying for God to rescue him. A police officer comes by soon after and offers to give the man a ride to higher ground before the water starts rising. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me! The water begins to rise...so much so that the man has to go to the second floor of his home. A neighbor comes by in his boat and yells to the man through his second story window and urges him to jump into his boat, lest he drowned. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me! The water rages higher and faster and the man finally retreats to his roof-top. A coast guard helicopter flies overhead and a loud voice barrels out from the chopper's megaphone, commanding him to climb the ladder into the safety of the aircraft, lest he die. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me!"
The man drowns.
As he stands before Jesus, he questions with bewilderment, "why didn't you save me?" Jesus answers, "I sent a police officer, a boat and a helicopter...what were you waiting for?"
I have received my police officer, boat and helicopter...
This is what God was saying to me through the four separate conversations and events yesterday:
1.) You are made in my image
2.) Receive my unconditional, unequivocal, radical mind bending/heart altering love for you...NOW!
3.) Start loving and respecting yourself, knowing I designed you PERFECTLY...no mistakes here.
4.) Surround yourself with those who can 100% embrace what I am doing in you. (incubator style)
5.) My mercies are new every morning...and every moment, it is morning somewhere...get some every time you need it, as often as you need it...don't worry, it's unending.
6.) My calling on your life is not contingent upon any other person's approval of you...mine is the only one you need...YOU'VE GOT IT!
7.) Walk with your head held high, like you know Who's you are!
8.) All of this junk in your life you have been battling... focus most of your effort on getting 1-7 down pat and I'm working on the junk for you. I've got you, son!
Friday, May 17, 2013
7 Days Sexual Purity...START OVER! AHHH!!
So, I slipped up on my commitment to the 7 days of sexual purity. ....Really? The day after I posted about it. ...TODAY. But, I want to kick this thing in the teeth. It thinks it has me by the balls...and I guess it has. That is why I am posting this publicly. I am starting my 7 day cleanse over right now.
It will not have total power over me! Darkness, secrecy, shame, hidden places....these are my enemies. I cried over my disappointment in myself...I let myself feel the disappointment...I turned it over to God...I am walking on in hope.
This is a big one for me. I really do need all the prayer help I can get. I am tired of being a slave to sex and drugs. I am learning to go through my feelings and fears and not escape them.
My prayer: Daddy-God, help me to walk in your EMPOWERING PRESENCE...take away my shame...I can't carry it...show me who I am...remind me that there is a better life...remind of the price you paid for my freedom...continue to show me a picture of a life outside of slavery. I need you...and I want to be close to you, even when my actions don't prove it. Be near me...comfort me...strengthen me...make me ok.
God help me today and through these next 7 days.
It will not have total power over me! Darkness, secrecy, shame, hidden places....these are my enemies. I cried over my disappointment in myself...I let myself feel the disappointment...I turned it over to God...I am walking on in hope.
This is a big one for me. I really do need all the prayer help I can get. I am tired of being a slave to sex and drugs. I am learning to go through my feelings and fears and not escape them.
My prayer: Daddy-God, help me to walk in your EMPOWERING PRESENCE...take away my shame...I can't carry it...show me who I am...remind me that there is a better life...remind of the price you paid for my freedom...continue to show me a picture of a life outside of slavery. I need you...and I want to be close to you, even when my actions don't prove it. Be near me...comfort me...strengthen me...make me ok.
God help me today and through these next 7 days.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
SEX - I Don't Want To Be Your B*tch Anymore!
Well, since crystal meth is known to be a sex related drug, it stands to reason that I would have some issues surrounding - SEX. I can't believe I am writing this and I may or may not crawl under a rock after I publish it....
But here goes...
I have come to the realization that much of my drug use is completely intertwined with compulsive sex issues. I am not necessarily talking about identity or gender issues (at the moment), but about living a life that inordinately revolves around thinking about sex, seeking out sex, fantasizing about sex, visual and physical stimulation in real life and internet... and 'acting out'. ('acting out' is the more palatable way of saying 'engaging in sexual behavior')
God made sex, but I am pretty sure He didn't intend for me to spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy immersed in it. When I was living in Los Angeles, during my drug use, I was exposed to a lot of stuff that is hard to shake off. It is kind of like the drugs...it gives a momentary stimulation and provides an escape from reality and whatever emotion or issue in life, I don't want to deal with.
After so much time engaging in unhealthy sexual behavior (internet and 'acting out'), I feel like I can't survive without it. I need it. I crave it...just like the drug.
I compare it to drugs because it has a similar pattern and affect: High and pleasure...then disappointment over the lack of satisfaction and diminished self esteem. Anything that has control over me diminishes my self esteem. It basically looks at me and says, "Guess what? ...You are my b*tch!"
SO...
I have started walking out a process of being open and accountable about my sexual compulsion. I have begun a 7 day purity cleanse...(I named it that..ha). I have committed to 7 days of abstaining from every kind of unhealthy sexual stimulation: internet visuals and 'acting out'. Today is my third day. Interestingly, I seem to have a lot more time on my hands and I already feel a 100 times more creative and clear headed.
I realize that writing all of this might make me seem like a total pervert, but I don't care. I am walking away from judging myself, condemning myself and being ashamed. God is walking me into a new era and I am just trying to be obedient to walk in the light that He provides.
So, 7 days is what I can handle right now. But, I know that God doesn't want me to be sexual compulsion's b*tch. He wants me to be His son, His heir, His friend....so He's going to help me through this.
If you feel like joining me for the next 4 days, as an act of solidarity and support, please do. I am hopeful!
But here goes...
I have come to the realization that much of my drug use is completely intertwined with compulsive sex issues. I am not necessarily talking about identity or gender issues (at the moment), but about living a life that inordinately revolves around thinking about sex, seeking out sex, fantasizing about sex, visual and physical stimulation in real life and internet... and 'acting out'. ('acting out' is the more palatable way of saying 'engaging in sexual behavior')
God made sex, but I am pretty sure He didn't intend for me to spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy immersed in it. When I was living in Los Angeles, during my drug use, I was exposed to a lot of stuff that is hard to shake off. It is kind of like the drugs...it gives a momentary stimulation and provides an escape from reality and whatever emotion or issue in life, I don't want to deal with.
After so much time engaging in unhealthy sexual behavior (internet and 'acting out'), I feel like I can't survive without it. I need it. I crave it...just like the drug.
I compare it to drugs because it has a similar pattern and affect: High and pleasure...then disappointment over the lack of satisfaction and diminished self esteem. Anything that has control over me diminishes my self esteem. It basically looks at me and says, "Guess what? ...You are my b*tch!"
SO...
I have started walking out a process of being open and accountable about my sexual compulsion. I have begun a 7 day purity cleanse...(I named it that..ha). I have committed to 7 days of abstaining from every kind of unhealthy sexual stimulation: internet visuals and 'acting out'. Today is my third day. Interestingly, I seem to have a lot more time on my hands and I already feel a 100 times more creative and clear headed.
I realize that writing all of this might make me seem like a total pervert, but I don't care. I am walking away from judging myself, condemning myself and being ashamed. God is walking me into a new era and I am just trying to be obedient to walk in the light that He provides.
So, 7 days is what I can handle right now. But, I know that God doesn't want me to be sexual compulsion's b*tch. He wants me to be His son, His heir, His friend....so He's going to help me through this.
If you feel like joining me for the next 4 days, as an act of solidarity and support, please do. I am hopeful!
Galatians 5:1 The Message (MSG)
"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone [or anything] put a harness of slavery on you.?
Sunday, May 12, 2013
...At The End Of My Rope
I was driving to a recovery meeting tonight and half way there I just started sobbing. I felt so sad...so lost...so afraid.
...Sad because I see so much beauty around me...people at church with smiling faces who seem to know who they are...parents enjoying a marriage that they are confident is blessed by God...heck, the man in camouflage in the truck beside me....
THEY SEEM TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE and where they belong. I don't.
...Lost because I don't feel like I know where I am going...where my current path is leading me...whether the direction I am going is another dead end path or the one that leads me to wholeness and peace.
...Afraid because I cannot bear the thought of hoping and believing and trusting and surrendering and standing in faith again, to end up, once again, in disillusionment.
But...
What if all that I have experienced...the hoping, the disappointment, the confusion, the believing, the rejecting of faith, the life running from God, the heart pain all along the way....what if it is all part of God's great CONSPIRACY OF HOPE for my life?
You see, I am familiar with "conspiracy thoughts." One of the affects of crystal meth is acute paranoia and delusion. After this last relapse, I have had to daily (many times a day) battle paranoid thoughts... thoughts that the people around me are conspiring against me to harm me...from the person on the sidewalk talking on their cell phone to the car following behind me to the long-time friend. It sucks and makes me afraid.
However, in light of the fact that I am a child of the Father of the universe, I am giving myself a different perspective: There is a conspiracy! God has orchestrated a great Conspiracy of Hope for my life! He is using everything, everyone, every situation, every disappointment, every misstep, every connection, every prayer that goes out from my heart, every prayer that is prayed on my behalf, all of the confusion in my heart and mind, every last darn thing...I believe (I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE), God is conspiring to walk me right into the purpose, peace, fulfillment, joy, love, and power, that I thought was beyond my reach.
Well, maybe it is out of my reach...but it is not out of God's reach. It is all a matter of perspective and I choose to believe that I can trust God with my life, that I am protected in His arms, that my life will have purpose and meaning, that God will define who I am and what my purpose is to be. It is ok that I don't understand how it all works out. God does and if I caught a glimpse of it, I would probably mess it up. I just need to let go! ...let go of how I always thought it should be ....how other people say my life needs to be ...what a blessed life looks like ...what it looks like to be 'right'.
I CAN'T...GOD CAN...I THINK I'LL LET HIM!
...Sad because I see so much beauty around me...people at church with smiling faces who seem to know who they are...parents enjoying a marriage that they are confident is blessed by God...heck, the man in camouflage in the truck beside me....
THEY SEEM TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE and where they belong. I don't.
...Lost because I don't feel like I know where I am going...where my current path is leading me...whether the direction I am going is another dead end path or the one that leads me to wholeness and peace.
...Afraid because I cannot bear the thought of hoping and believing and trusting and surrendering and standing in faith again, to end up, once again, in disillusionment.
But...
What if all that I have experienced...the hoping, the disappointment, the confusion, the believing, the rejecting of faith, the life running from God, the heart pain all along the way....what if it is all part of God's great CONSPIRACY OF HOPE for my life?
You see, I am familiar with "conspiracy thoughts." One of the affects of crystal meth is acute paranoia and delusion. After this last relapse, I have had to daily (many times a day) battle paranoid thoughts... thoughts that the people around me are conspiring against me to harm me...from the person on the sidewalk talking on their cell phone to the car following behind me to the long-time friend. It sucks and makes me afraid.
However, in light of the fact that I am a child of the Father of the universe, I am giving myself a different perspective: There is a conspiracy! God has orchestrated a great Conspiracy of Hope for my life! He is using everything, everyone, every situation, every disappointment, every misstep, every connection, every prayer that goes out from my heart, every prayer that is prayed on my behalf, all of the confusion in my heart and mind, every last darn thing...I believe (I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE), God is conspiring to walk me right into the purpose, peace, fulfillment, joy, love, and power, that I thought was beyond my reach.
Well, maybe it is out of my reach...but it is not out of God's reach. It is all a matter of perspective and I choose to believe that I can trust God with my life, that I am protected in His arms, that my life will have purpose and meaning, that God will define who I am and what my purpose is to be. It is ok that I don't understand how it all works out. God does and if I caught a glimpse of it, I would probably mess it up. I just need to let go! ...let go of how I always thought it should be ....how other people say my life needs to be ...what a blessed life looks like ...what it looks like to be 'right'.
I CAN'T...GOD CAN...I THINK I'LL LET HIM!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
My stumbling...His glory
I hate to be honest about it but it is the best thing for me. I used again. I know all the reasons why I shouldn't and I know everyone else wants to slap me upside the head and yell 'wake up...grow up'. I couldn't agree more.
The depression and anxiety gets worse with each relapse. I couldn't even sleep in my own room because of the extreme anxiety.
What is it I am looking for? I have all that I need already. I am not going to over analyze it. I just have to remind myself that God says I am worth it and even if everyone else gives up on me...He never will.
I want to know God's goodness in the land of the living. I want to know what it is to truly walk in freedom from addiction and self loathing.
My prayer is that God will use every tear...every stumble...every lesson...to make me stronger and bring hope, healing, and freedom to another struggler.
God help me and bring your mercy to those who aren't even seeking it.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
I Found the key to Life and it's a Trowel Pick
Alas, I have found the key to life, a peaceful soul, a joyful heart and a fulfilling future. ...and it's not at all what I thought it would be...
Imagine you have been given five numbered keys to a huge safe and inside is a million dollars and another door. You use the five keys to open the safe. Once inside, you are intoxicated by the smell of so much money. You begin to gather as much in your arms as possible, but you remember that there is another door.
Curiosity overtakes you and you set the money down for a moment to see what is behind the door. Oddly, you don't need a key to open the door. But, as you swing it open, you see a wall of rock and gold...gold in its natural state, still embedded in the rock...and a trowel pick with the number six on it. Your lightening fast brain deduces that this is the sixth key.
You look back to the million dollars laying there for the taking...then you look back through the door to the wall and the pick.
Is that really gold? Maybe it's fools gold? It would take forever to mine that gold...if it's even real. I don't even have gloves. I'm not very strong...I might not even be able to get much of it. And, you close the door, grab your money and run.
The five other keys are all of the things in life that fill it: career, relationships, wealth, notoriety, traveling, helping others, being of service, etc. ...all good things. But the sixth key is a door and a trowel pick. It is the process of us opening the door to our soul. We have a gold mine inside of us, but it is embedded in a lifetime of experiences, fears, insecurities, hopes, disappointments, hardness, bitterness, suspicion, and weariness.
A million dollars will run out...careers can unexpectedly end, relationships don't bring us the fulfillment we are looking for, helping others makes us feel good for a moment, but doesn't take away the ache inside.
The gold mine inside, is 'who God made us to be'...(not to be confused with 'what God has called us to do')
**I have no idea what I might be doing in six months from now. I don't know if I will ever have the things in life that I once thought gave it meaning. What I do know, is that I am spending time, effort and tears developing myself and mining the gold that God has placed inside of me. There is a lot of junk in there...and it feels like rock. But I seek the fulfillment in life that is not temporary. All the other stuff...you can have it. I don't really even know what to expect, but I know that if God designed it...it must be better than anything this world has to offer.
I have traveled around the world and have been to many countries
I have fed starving children in third world countries
I have lived in high-rise apartments with marble and soaring windows
I have owned a convertible Mercedes and other fancy cars
I have earned sales awards and been given coveted promotions
I have been a keynote speaker for crowds of thousands
I have sung duets with known recording artists
....AND STILL I FELT LOST AND UNFULFILLED
I believe God is giving me the opportunity to grab the trowel pick and go to work. He will give me the strength to keep digging, and He is the Lord of the mine...and this gold will stand the test of time and eternity. Ironically, when I focus on becoming 'WHO' God wants me to be...all the other stuff comes automatically...by virtue of living in the 'Blessing Waterfall' of God's Grace!
Imagine you have been given five numbered keys to a huge safe and inside is a million dollars and another door. You use the five keys to open the safe. Once inside, you are intoxicated by the smell of so much money. You begin to gather as much in your arms as possible, but you remember that there is another door.
Curiosity overtakes you and you set the money down for a moment to see what is behind the door. Oddly, you don't need a key to open the door. But, as you swing it open, you see a wall of rock and gold...gold in its natural state, still embedded in the rock...and a trowel pick with the number six on it. Your lightening fast brain deduces that this is the sixth key.
You look back to the million dollars laying there for the taking...then you look back through the door to the wall and the pick.
Is that really gold? Maybe it's fools gold? It would take forever to mine that gold...if it's even real. I don't even have gloves. I'm not very strong...I might not even be able to get much of it. And, you close the door, grab your money and run.
The five other keys are all of the things in life that fill it: career, relationships, wealth, notoriety, traveling, helping others, being of service, etc. ...all good things. But the sixth key is a door and a trowel pick. It is the process of us opening the door to our soul. We have a gold mine inside of us, but it is embedded in a lifetime of experiences, fears, insecurities, hopes, disappointments, hardness, bitterness, suspicion, and weariness.
A million dollars will run out...careers can unexpectedly end, relationships don't bring us the fulfillment we are looking for, helping others makes us feel good for a moment, but doesn't take away the ache inside.
The gold mine inside, is 'who God made us to be'...(not to be confused with 'what God has called us to do')
**I have no idea what I might be doing in six months from now. I don't know if I will ever have the things in life that I once thought gave it meaning. What I do know, is that I am spending time, effort and tears developing myself and mining the gold that God has placed inside of me. There is a lot of junk in there...and it feels like rock. But I seek the fulfillment in life that is not temporary. All the other stuff...you can have it. I don't really even know what to expect, but I know that if God designed it...it must be better than anything this world has to offer.
I have traveled around the world and have been to many countries
I have fed starving children in third world countries
I have lived in high-rise apartments with marble and soaring windows
I have owned a convertible Mercedes and other fancy cars
I have earned sales awards and been given coveted promotions
I have been a keynote speaker for crowds of thousands
I have sung duets with known recording artists
....AND STILL I FELT LOST AND UNFULFILLED
I believe God is giving me the opportunity to grab the trowel pick and go to work. He will give me the strength to keep digging, and He is the Lord of the mine...and this gold will stand the test of time and eternity. Ironically, when I focus on becoming 'WHO' God wants me to be...all the other stuff comes automatically...by virtue of living in the 'Blessing Waterfall' of God's Grace!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
I Have a Small Growth...and It's Growing
I have a small growth...I just noticed it shortly after my relapse. I thought nothing of it at first, but it seems to be growing rapidly. After all I have been through, could this be real? Could my life really be about to change forever?
It started about 1/16 of an inch in diameter, which is common for a mustard seed grain. It is of the smallest seeds on the planet, but that's the one I have....as a matter of fact, it is all I have...a tiny seed of faith...
I have this one little speck of faith...faith that God is actually capable of directing my life toward wholeness, faith that there is a power at work inside me changing everything...faith that God created me intentionally...faith that I am not a mistake.
I don't have a lot of faith...I just have a little bit. But the faith that I do have is REAL. See, my faith is tested daily, sometimes hourly. I have to rely on what I believe to be true of God and myself just to survive. The second I question it, I am surely hours away from having a needle in my arm, delusion in my mind, fear in my heart, straps around my body in a sanitarium van, or laying on a bed of satin with six feet of dirt on top.
This little bitty faith I have is what I am clinging to...but it is growing. I learned from my parent's that if I had faith even as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible to me. Interestingly, that tiny seed of faith seems to be growing quickly, as I water it with actions that affirm my belief and provide the good soil of surrender. I don't really feel like I am doing a whole lot to grow my faith, but I am making sure that I am reading and listening to God's words...at least some.
It seems like God takes what seems to be almost miniscule faith and barely existent hope and performs some sort of miracle. ....I mean, I'm not complaining. It is just surprising, I guess. Maybe that is one of God's favorite things...creating something out of nothing...turns out, He is the only one who can do that.
Matthew 17:20 (NIV)
Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
It started about 1/16 of an inch in diameter, which is common for a mustard seed grain. It is of the smallest seeds on the planet, but that's the one I have....as a matter of fact, it is all I have...a tiny seed of faith...
I have this one little speck of faith...faith that God is actually capable of directing my life toward wholeness, faith that there is a power at work inside me changing everything...faith that God created me intentionally...faith that I am not a mistake.
I don't have a lot of faith...I just have a little bit. But the faith that I do have is REAL. See, my faith is tested daily, sometimes hourly. I have to rely on what I believe to be true of God and myself just to survive. The second I question it, I am surely hours away from having a needle in my arm, delusion in my mind, fear in my heart, straps around my body in a sanitarium van, or laying on a bed of satin with six feet of dirt on top.
This little bitty faith I have is what I am clinging to...but it is growing. I learned from my parent's that if I had faith even as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible to me. Interestingly, that tiny seed of faith seems to be growing quickly, as I water it with actions that affirm my belief and provide the good soil of surrender. I don't really feel like I am doing a whole lot to grow my faith, but I am making sure that I am reading and listening to God's words...at least some.
It seems like God takes what seems to be almost miniscule faith and barely existent hope and performs some sort of miracle. ....I mean, I'm not complaining. It is just surprising, I guess. Maybe that is one of God's favorite things...creating something out of nothing...turns out, He is the only one who can do that.
Matthew 17:20 (NIV)
Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I Was Offered the Really Good Sh*t
I got off work yesterday and went by the gas station to pick up a pack of cigarettes. (my sponsor told me to quit one thing at a time...LOL) The guy in front of me finished paying, turned around and asked me how I was doing...how nice! ...then he said, "I've got some really good sh*t...I got REALLY good sh*t...I got the good sh*t man."
In one second, I was thinking how nice the world was treating me. The next second, my heart started racing, I felt a knot in my stomach and I just wanted to know what kind of sh*t I thought...well, I don't want to do anything, but I could at least ask what kind of stuff it is so I know if it is meth, weed, heroin, blow, crack, etc.
I felt like I had two race horses inside of me and someone had fired off a gun...the problem was that the horses were going in two different directions and I felt like I was falling apart. I remembered that I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING! ..it didn't feel like peace...it felt like anxiety...it felt like worry...it didn't feel like a place of being at rest. At the moment, that is how I know if I am not walking in surrender and alignment with God.
All of these thoughts happened within a matter 10 seconds. I answered, "No man, I used to do the good sh*t...now I'm CLEAN...and I don't need that sh*t!
I called my sponsor on the way home and told him what happened...I wish at that moment all the desire to use went away, but it didn't. It took about an hour for the intense feeling to go away.
I could have asked what he was selling...but my sponsor told me a while back, "FEED THE DOG YOU WANT TO GET BIGGER." I want the dog of addiction and destruction to get smaller. I want the dog of surrendered, God centered living to get bigger.
That dog of addiction will die...#tryingtostarvethedog
In one second, I was thinking how nice the world was treating me. The next second, my heart started racing, I felt a knot in my stomach and I just wanted to know what kind of sh*t I thought...well, I don't want to do anything, but I could at least ask what kind of stuff it is so I know if it is meth, weed, heroin, blow, crack, etc.
I felt like I had two race horses inside of me and someone had fired off a gun...the problem was that the horses were going in two different directions and I felt like I was falling apart. I remembered that I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING! ..it didn't feel like peace...it felt like anxiety...it felt like worry...it didn't feel like a place of being at rest. At the moment, that is how I know if I am not walking in surrender and alignment with God.
All of these thoughts happened within a matter 10 seconds. I answered, "No man, I used to do the good sh*t...now I'm CLEAN...and I don't need that sh*t!
I called my sponsor on the way home and told him what happened...I wish at that moment all the desire to use went away, but it didn't. It took about an hour for the intense feeling to go away.
I could have asked what he was selling...but my sponsor told me a while back, "FEED THE DOG YOU WANT TO GET BIGGER." I want the dog of addiction and destruction to get smaller. I want the dog of surrendered, God centered living to get bigger.
That dog of addiction will die...#tryingtostarvethedog
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