Abuse Me...I Do

I remember being so cracked out from shooting up meth for so many days in a row that I just passed out on the toilette for a couple of hours...this was a public toilette.  The tweaker dude I was using with (who I always used with) found me finally, woke me up, yelled at me and then punched me in the face, calling me every name in the book.  I was stunned and hurt....but it was par for the course, really. I was used to being abused by then.  I was consistently called crazy, stupid...demeaned, lied to, humiliated and made to feel like trash. This was not the only person to do this to me. 

At this point in my life and recovery, it is hard to imagine why I would allow anyone to treat me this way.  Why didn't I run at the first sign of abuse?  Why didn't I stand up for myself and the injustice?  Why would I allow anyone to call me crazy, stupid, trash? 

WHY?

I now know why.  My sponsor told me that I will only allow someone else to treat me as badly as I treat myself.  As soon as they treat me worse than I treat myself, I will stop it...I won't allow it.  Ummm, ok....but I didn't hit myself.  I didn't call myself names and demean myself.....or did I?

Getting to some of my core beliefs about myself and about God has been a little trickier than I thought it would be.  Here is a simplification of the process that has helped me get to the core issues:

1. What are my problem causing behaviors?  ex: getting high; compulsive sex

2. What are the feelings I have surrounding these behaviors? ex: shame; anger; frustration

3. What are the thoughts I have ABOUT MYSELF surrounding these behaviors? ex: I am bad; I am dirty; I &%$^ everything up...always; there is no hope for me

These internal thoughts or "self-talk" didn't start with the drug use or sexually promiscuous behavior.  It started when I began feeling shame and like there is something wrong with me.  Lots of people feel that way at some point.  And...if these feelings and thoughts aren't rebutted, but reinforced by our own agreement, as well as the opinion and input of others, then confirmed by our life experience....WELL...it becomes part of our internal belief system about ourselves...OUR CORE BELIEFS.

It is only natural then for me to attract and even welcome others who can help me prove what I believe about myself to be correct.  "I am worthless...I am hopeless...I don't deserve good things...I always destroy everything...I can't have love that is pure...I can't have purpose here on earth"  I believed it...why shouldn't they?  They were only agreeing with me and treating me how I felt I deserved to be treated.  I might as well have put out a welcome mat.

Recently, I have been dealing with my core beliefs about myself and addressing my internal self-talk.  I am learning to be very careful with my words and quickly address negative feelings about myself or others.  I am constantly reminding myself of my value and worth by saying out loud, "God loves me."  I am saying it probably 30 times a day.  I recently wrote a statement to myself that reads, "You are welcome here...You are accepted by God...You are, therefore, worthy of love from God and others...You are of value as a human being...You are worthy of recovery and sobriety...You have a calling and a destiny here on this earth...I love you and God adores you."  I say this to myself, out loud.

I will no longer attract abusers.  I will no longer try to destroy my life.  I will no longer be fertile soil for negative and condemning words.  Why?  Because, I don't agree with those core statements anymore.  I don't believe that they are true.  So, if a spoon of bullshit soup starts coming toward me from a bowl of negativity...I tell them that I am on a NO-GARB diet.  I have had enough.  I get my sustenance from the Word of God and His Spirit living inside of me...which leads me into all truth....Mmm, Mmm, Mmm....and it tastes sooooo good. :-)

Psalm 34:8 (MSG) "Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is.  Blessed are you who run to Him."