I have had a procedure done that has significantly reduced my cravings for drugs and to get high. As a matter of fact, I haven't had any cravings at all, haven't been triggered or had any desire to anesthetize my feelings or escape. I also have noticed that my compulsion toward sex and especially porn has dramatically decreased.
What is this miraculous, life-changing surgery? Debulking: "removal of a major portion of the material that composes a lesion, such as the surgical removal of most of a tumor so that there is less tumor load for subsequent treatment." The debulking was opening up my life, the dark places of secrecy, dishonesty, hiding, pretending, harboring shame, and living in fear....letting the light in...and walking forward in total authenticity.
All that confusion, fear and especially SHAME, was like a tumor. It just kept growing and growing and seemed to take over my life. It hurt. It made me afraid. It made me confused about whether God was proud of me or shaking His head in disappointment. It made me want to find any way possible to get out of my head and heart and the pain of dealing with it. It took all of my energy. I just wanted 'it' to go away or I wanted me to go away.
Regardless of what anyone's opinion is of my life choices, the act of coming into a place of real authenticity is a powerful thing. I don't feel any sort of block between me and God. As a matter of fact, I have felt the desire to cling to Him like never before. I feel like I am standing as a man, alone, before God...asking Him to guide me, direct me, speak to me....and especially, please don't let me go.
Now, I do feel like I have had surgery. LOL. I feel pretty sensitive emotionally and a little exhausted over the whole ordeal. But, I feel PEACE. YAY!!!!! I feel good inside. I feel joy when I am alone and around others. I feel excited when I am spending time with my Heavenly Father. I feel hope for my future. I feel a passion inside of me to seek God, to know Him. I don't feel afraid.
Does this mean I can stop working on my drug addiction and sexual compulsion recovery? Heck no. It means I am free to 'grab it by the balls'. I want recovery...I want sobriety...I want healthy living. And I will have it!
Just for today, I am grateful...
Just for today, I am sex and drug free...
Just for today, I'm freakin' smiling from ear to ear.
Oh wow, this is awesome. It's amazing when we wait for the miracle and see it start to happen as we journey through the pain. Personally, I have had countless relapses in my recovery. It's like my body forgot about the pain on the other side - my disease was loud and proud and very persuasive. I was so used to dealing with my sadness by drinking to escape. It took a while, but finally I know that it will never be ok to drink again. Oh man, it took my stubborn self so long but once I admitted it and really saw the hurt on the other side and that I am not unique - there was a joy that came and a commitment to stand by God and allow Him to carry me when I am weak. Remember your disease will tell you "eff it." It's a liar, and does not root in God. It's a battle, it's your battle...and it is one that God will absolutely take should you ask and follow.
ReplyDeleteI love you Jeff, I'm so happy you are finding joy in your life. You are so loved and so special in your heart for God and others. XOOOOXO!!!
Beautiful. Thank you for the courage to share so openly and allow others to heal as you heal.
ReplyDeletePeace, Love & Light to you brave warrior.