I'm a Christian...I'm Gay

I am a Christian. I am gay.  I love Jesus with all of my heart.  I am deeply committed to following, whole heartedly, after God.  I believe God has a purpose and a plan for my life.  I believe God loves me more than I could ever understand.  I am gay. 

I have lived most of my life believing that who I am is an abomination, a sin, disgusting, perverted, condemned, set apart for hell, dark, shameful and pitiable.  I spent years and years, since I was a boy, begging for God to change me, crying, hiding, loathing myself, wishing I could have a 'normal' problem.  I spent 7 years in reparative therapy, inner healing, deliverance, exorcism, and discipleship...committing my life to the process of changing my sexual orientation.  I mean, if God hates gay, then He will surely change it.  I believed that 100%  ...I cannot express in words, the level of intensity with which I have sought God, begged, fought, repented, wept, screamed, nearly lost my mind and many times just wanted to die....even begging God to take my life.  I have spoken with some of the best and brightest therapists, some of the world's leading Christian ministers, read nearly every book on the subject, subjected myself to various programs.....all leaving me more disillusioned than before.  ....and still gay.

It seems so easy for straight Christians to spout off what God thinks of it and what the bible says.  It doesn't seem to bother them that they have never even studied the bible, the cultural context, the original language, the interpretation...sought God honestly and deeply about the subject...and in a simple phrase, shatter my entire world and sense of hope for this life and the next. 

Imagine how horrified we Christians would be to find out from God himself that we had sent thousands, even millions away...'in His name'...to have Him say, "these are also my chosen ones and you are the ones who are deceived."  Thousands of gay men and women commit suicide every year for this very reason.  They are rejected by their families and told that they are rejected by God...unless, of course, they change....  something which they cannot.

Just this week, Exodus International...the most prominent organization ministering to gay people to help them walk out of homosexuality...closed it's doors, with a public apology for all of the harm it had caused.

Maybe you don't realize it, but much of the Christian world is awakening to the beautiful fact that God loves gay men and women and doesn't condemn them or a committed love relationship between two men or two women.  Don't believe it?  Why?  ...because that's what the bible says?  Does it? 

If you care about me at all, I would challenge you to check out www.matthewvines.com and watch the video.  You don't have to agree, but at least you will have made an effort to seek God and gain understanding on behalf of someone you care about....and so many others who have lost hope. 

Coming to an understanding of God's love for me as a gay man is the ONLY reason I am not using drugs today.  I still struggle against a lifetime of condemning belief and self loathing.  But, I am letting God teach me and lead me into a life I could have never imagined. 

I realize that I may lose a lot of friends by writing this.  This may close many doors of opportunity for me.  This may bring a barrage of preaching and condemning comments.  I am not worried about that.  My only concern is to seek the heart of Jesus and let Him guide me with His miraculous light.  It is time for me to stand up and be proud of who God made me to be.  I will not be ashamed of His work anymore.

I have to say that I did not sit down to write about this today.  I have been scared to death at the thought of sharing this.  But, I have been asking God to speak to me and asking Him to teach me to listen...and I would obey.  I just felt incredibly compelled to write this...my heart.  I hope I am acting in obedience...that is my heart's desire.

Jesus, give me strength to stand.  Give me courage to fight....and I will return all honor and glory back to you!