I was driving to a recovery meeting tonight and half way there I just started sobbing. I felt so sad...so lost...so afraid.
...Sad because I see so much beauty around me...people at church with smiling faces who seem to know who they are...parents enjoying a marriage that they are confident is blessed by God...heck, the man in camouflage in the truck beside me....
THEY SEEM TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE and where they belong. I don't.
...Lost because I don't feel like I know where I am going...where my current path is leading me...whether the direction I am going is another dead end path or the one that leads me to wholeness and peace.
...Afraid because I cannot bear the thought of hoping and believing and trusting and surrendering and standing in faith again, to end up, once again, in disillusionment.
But...
What if all that I have experienced...the hoping, the disappointment, the confusion, the believing, the rejecting of faith, the life running from God, the heart pain all along the way....what if it is all part of God's great CONSPIRACY OF HOPE for my life?
You see, I am familiar with "conspiracy thoughts." One of the affects of crystal meth is acute paranoia and delusion. After this last relapse, I have had to daily (many times a day) battle paranoid thoughts... thoughts that the people around me are conspiring against me to harm me...from the person on the sidewalk talking on their cell phone to the car following behind me to the long-time friend. It sucks and makes me afraid.
However, in light of the fact that I am a child of the Father of the universe, I am giving myself a different perspective: There is a conspiracy! God has orchestrated a great Conspiracy of Hope for my life! He is using everything, everyone, every situation, every disappointment, every misstep, every connection, every prayer that goes out from my heart, every prayer that is prayed on my behalf, all of the confusion in my heart and mind, every last darn thing...I believe (I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE), God is conspiring to walk me right into the purpose, peace, fulfillment, joy, love, and power, that I thought was beyond my reach.
Well, maybe it is out of my reach...but it is not out of God's reach. It is all a matter of perspective and I choose to believe that I can trust God with my life, that I am protected in His arms, that my life will have purpose and meaning, that God will define who I am and what my purpose is to be. It is ok that I don't understand how it all works out. God does and if I caught a glimpse of it, I would probably mess it up. I just need to let go! ...let go of how I always thought it should be ....how other people say my life needs to be ...what a blessed life looks like ...what it looks like to be 'right'.
I CAN'T...GOD CAN...I THINK I'LL LET HIM!
The key here is the truth. Truth about how you feel now- how you feel when using- how you feel about how you think others feel- Truth is we all have these not so great days and us recovering people have them every day sometimes all day long in our heads BUT we are blessed that we truly are the head not the tail and God does want us to state how we feel so we can deal with the next thought- moments of chaos in our minds and in our lives- It truly is chaos! Addicted people think differently and guess what that's ok because once we grow and get this One Day at a time thing- we become a stepping stone to others who are walking in our shoes! Therefore we are doing God's will and are exactly where we're suppose to be. Does it down right stink most of the time -YES but we will reap the rewards for doing the next right thing and so will others! Thanks Jeff for helping us invisible people out there who are exactly where you are and understand and Root you on- Experinece, Strength and hope!!!! Chrisine C.( The Early Ducks)
ReplyDelete