I want to use crystal meth....I want to Slam it (shoot up). I want to be out of my mind with extreme pleasure. That's the desire that I have right now. There is this place where I am likely to score some "T" (crystal meth) and I can buy some needles from the drug store. I will then need a place to get high. I will need to get a cheap motel for the night. I will shoot it up and then get online to try to find others who want to get high with me. I will then spend more money to get me and others high. I will then engage in incomprehensible demoralization.
It will be tomorrow night before I even realize it. I will then need to get more drugs....oh yeah, I will have skipped out on work and will have probably lost my job. My parents will not have slept...my entire family will probably have been up looking for me. I don't answer my phone. My sponsor, likely, will have had enough of me. I will be extremely paranoid and fear for my life. I will be so overcome with guilt and anxiety when I start to realize the situation I have put myself in, that I will want to just run away.
I will not have any means of income. I will have ostracized my family and friends. I will delete my Facebook account so that I don't have to deal with the shame. I will not care about my own life anymore. I will use and run and hide until I end up in a mental institution...perma-tweaked, in jail or dead. All of the beauty God is slowly working into my life, the opportunity to be a blessing and impact my world, the privilege of loving, the comfort of being a part of my family, the hope of knowing a life filled with peace....will all be lost.
I have just completed an exercise called "Playing The Tape Through". ....just following through with my current thoughts and desires to their logical and probable end. This helps me to dismantle overwhelming urges, to see them for what they really are...LIES. (I usually just do this in my head, when the urges are strong. But I thought I would share the process as I walked through it)
I think it is interesting that FEAR plays such a significant role in my 'getting high' experience.
F.E.A.R. - False..Evidence..Appearing..Real ....
My thoughts are no longer racing...I think I am going to spend some time singing to my Heavenly Father now...I need His presence!