Thursday, May 23, 2013

I Want to Slam Meth Now...Playing The Tape Through

I want to use crystal meth....I want to Slam it (shoot up).  I want to be out of my mind with extreme pleasure.  That's the desire that I have right now.  There is this place where I am likely to score some "T" (crystal meth) and I can buy some needles from the drug store.  I will then need a place to get high.  I will need to get a cheap motel for the night. I will shoot it up and then get online to try to find others who want to get high with me.  I will then spend more money to get me and others high.  I will then engage in incomprehensible demoralization. 

It will be tomorrow night before I even realize it.  I will then need to get more drugs....oh yeah, I will have skipped out on work and will have probably lost my job.  My parents will not have entire family will probably have been up looking for me.  I don't answer my phone.  My sponsor, likely, will have had enough of me.  I will be extremely paranoid and fear for my life.  I will be so overcome with guilt and anxiety when I start to realize the situation I have put myself in, that I will want to just run away. 

I will not have any means of income.  I will have ostracized my family and friends.  I will delete my Facebook account so that I don't have to deal with the shame.  I will not care about my own life anymore.  I will use and run and hide until I end up in a mental institution...perma-tweaked, in jail or dead.  All of the beauty God is slowly working into my life, the opportunity to be a blessing and impact my world, the privilege of loving, the comfort of being a part of my family, the hope of knowing a life filled with peace....will all be lost.

I have just completed an exercise called "Playing The Tape Through".  ....just following through with my current thoughts and desires to their logical and probable end.  This helps me to dismantle overwhelming urges, to see them for what they really are...LIES.  (I usually just do this in my head, when the urges are strong.  But I thought I would share the process as I walked through it)

I think it is interesting that FEAR plays such a significant role in my 'getting high' experience.
F.E.A.R.  - False..Evidence..Appearing..Real   ....

My thoughts are no longer racing...I think I am going to spend some time singing to my Heavenly Father now...I need His presence!


  1. Never met you, but you can add me as an extra pray-er to your list of backers.

  2. Your family and friends and God will never give up on you - even if you stumble. To God, you're already there - past the overwhelming temptations of addiction. Those of us with experience understand that its got nothing to do with will power, that when you're in the throes of addiction its the only focus. That moment will pass, whether you use or not. Get through that moment and you won't be sorry. It will get easier, and happen less often, but those moments will likely always be there. Praying that God continues to work beautiful things in and for you, and that your focus on Him stays sharp and true, especially in the face of derailment of your progress. One day, one moment, and sometimes one breath at a time.

  3. Yes!!!!! That's it Playing the tape through!!!!! What a ride that was but you did it. You made it to the other side -the light side- just for today! Thanks for the reminder of what I do in my disease (alcoholism),which is play the rage tape through til I realise it's not the world- It's my perception so it's what I have to do to deal or change it and today you did just that! To God all the Glory - your blog is definitely on a road to a huge thing in God's eye's - first because of his Glory, second, because of your raw honesty to look thru your eyes as a real addict who will win the good fight! Blessings!

  4. Jeff...I've been sober since 1992 and I still have those occasional moments where I can literally taste a Tanqueray and tonic or an ice-cold beer gliding down my esophagus. I just replace those thought with praise. God reminds me of the pain I experienced back then as though it was yesterday. I don't ever want to feel like that again. God bless you, Jeff! You have the Victory!!!

  5. Glad to see you still writing--keep shining the light. Yes, Fear and Insecurity are the roots of almost every struggle in our lives, but praise God that "perfect love drives out fear." You're an inspiration!