I woke up yesterday throwing up blood. I didn't really feel sick but had the overwhelming urge to throw up. I was kind of freaked out at the thought of throwing up blood. I spoke to my dad and my sponsor about it. It turns out they both have had stomach ulcers and have thrown up blood before.
Why would I have a stomach ulcer though? I am working really hard to live a life that invites peace. My sponsor said that whether I realize it consciously or not, I am going through major life change...and the stakes are high.
So, I have decided to do what I can to reduce stress: I am starting a workout routine this week, I am going to make sure to speak to God (out loud..for my benefit) about all of my cares and hand them over to him, I am meeting with a gentleman this week who will install a porn blocker on my phone and computer. ....anything and everything to assist me in walking down the road to wholeness.
P.S. I didn't throw up blood this morning, so I think things are looking up.
I will just continue to try to do the next right thing...Just for today.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Throwing up blood...and porn blocking
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I Want to Slam Meth Now...Playing The Tape Through
I want to use crystal meth....I want to Slam it (shoot up). I want to be out of my mind with extreme pleasure. That's the desire that I have right now. There is this place where I am likely to score some "T" (crystal meth) and I can buy some needles from the drug store. I will then need a place to get high. I will need to get a cheap motel for the night. I will shoot it up and then get online to try to find others who want to get high with me. I will then spend more money to get me and others high. I will then engage in incomprehensible demoralization.
It will be tomorrow night before I even realize it. I will then need to get more drugs....oh yeah, I will have skipped out on work and will have probably lost my job. My parents will not have slept...my entire family will probably have been up looking for me. I don't answer my phone. My sponsor, likely, will have had enough of me. I will be extremely paranoid and fear for my life. I will be so overcome with guilt and anxiety when I start to realize the situation I have put myself in, that I will want to just run away.
I will not have any means of income. I will have ostracized my family and friends. I will delete my Facebook account so that I don't have to deal with the shame. I will not care about my own life anymore. I will use and run and hide until I end up in a mental institution...perma-tweaked, in jail or dead. All of the beauty God is slowly working into my life, the opportunity to be a blessing and impact my world, the privilege of loving, the comfort of being a part of my family, the hope of knowing a life filled with peace....will all be lost.
I have just completed an exercise called "Playing The Tape Through". ....just following through with my current thoughts and desires to their logical and probable end. This helps me to dismantle overwhelming urges, to see them for what they really are...LIES. (I usually just do this in my head, when the urges are strong. But I thought I would share the process as I walked through it)
I think it is interesting that FEAR plays such a significant role in my 'getting high' experience.
F.E.A.R. - False..Evidence..Appearing..Real ....
My thoughts are no longer racing...I think I am going to spend some time singing to my Heavenly Father now...I need His presence!
It will be tomorrow night before I even realize it. I will then need to get more drugs....oh yeah, I will have skipped out on work and will have probably lost my job. My parents will not have slept...my entire family will probably have been up looking for me. I don't answer my phone. My sponsor, likely, will have had enough of me. I will be extremely paranoid and fear for my life. I will be so overcome with guilt and anxiety when I start to realize the situation I have put myself in, that I will want to just run away.
I will not have any means of income. I will have ostracized my family and friends. I will delete my Facebook account so that I don't have to deal with the shame. I will not care about my own life anymore. I will use and run and hide until I end up in a mental institution...perma-tweaked, in jail or dead. All of the beauty God is slowly working into my life, the opportunity to be a blessing and impact my world, the privilege of loving, the comfort of being a part of my family, the hope of knowing a life filled with peace....will all be lost.
I have just completed an exercise called "Playing The Tape Through". ....just following through with my current thoughts and desires to their logical and probable end. This helps me to dismantle overwhelming urges, to see them for what they really are...LIES. (I usually just do this in my head, when the urges are strong. But I thought I would share the process as I walked through it)
I think it is interesting that FEAR plays such a significant role in my 'getting high' experience.
F.E.A.R. - False..Evidence..Appearing..Real ....
My thoughts are no longer racing...I think I am going to spend some time singing to my Heavenly Father now...I need His presence!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I've Been Rescued...What God Spoke To Me
Yesterday was a series of events and conversations that I could not have put together if I tried. (and I'm pretty good at putting things together, LOL) I have so desperately wanted God to speak to me...I need answers or I can't possibly go on...am I working on all this drugs and sex stuff only to find out that I am still living in sin? ...must I seek reparative identity counseling again? ...must I walk confidently forward as I am? ...Help!!!
So, there is this story of a guy who hears of a coming flood and starts praying for God to rescue him. A police officer comes by soon after and offers to give the man a ride to higher ground before the water starts rising. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me! The water begins to rise...so much so that the man has to go to the second floor of his home. A neighbor comes by in his boat and yells to the man through his second story window and urges him to jump into his boat, lest he drowned. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me! The water rages higher and faster and the man finally retreats to his roof-top. A coast guard helicopter flies overhead and a loud voice barrels out from the chopper's megaphone, commanding him to climb the ladder into the safety of the aircraft, lest he die. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me!"
The man drowns.
As he stands before Jesus, he questions with bewilderment, "why didn't you save me?" Jesus answers, "I sent a police officer, a boat and a helicopter...what were you waiting for?"
I have received my police officer, boat and helicopter...
This is what God was saying to me through the four separate conversations and events yesterday:
1.) You are made in my image
2.) Receive my unconditional, unequivocal, radical mind bending/heart altering love for you...NOW!
3.) Start loving and respecting yourself, knowing I designed you PERFECTLY...no mistakes here.
4.) Surround yourself with those who can 100% embrace what I am doing in you. (incubator style)
5.) My mercies are new every morning...and every moment, it is morning somewhere...get some every time you need it, as often as you need it...don't worry, it's unending.
6.) My calling on your life is not contingent upon any other person's approval of you...mine is the only one you need...YOU'VE GOT IT!
7.) Walk with your head held high, like you know Who's you are!
8.) All of this junk in your life you have been battling... focus most of your effort on getting 1-7 down pat and I'm working on the junk for you. I've got you, son!
So, there is this story of a guy who hears of a coming flood and starts praying for God to rescue him. A police officer comes by soon after and offers to give the man a ride to higher ground before the water starts rising. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me! The water begins to rise...so much so that the man has to go to the second floor of his home. A neighbor comes by in his boat and yells to the man through his second story window and urges him to jump into his boat, lest he drowned. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me! The water rages higher and faster and the man finally retreats to his roof-top. A coast guard helicopter flies overhead and a loud voice barrels out from the chopper's megaphone, commanding him to climb the ladder into the safety of the aircraft, lest he die. The man replies, "no thank you! ...God will save me!"
The man drowns.
As he stands before Jesus, he questions with bewilderment, "why didn't you save me?" Jesus answers, "I sent a police officer, a boat and a helicopter...what were you waiting for?"
I have received my police officer, boat and helicopter...
This is what God was saying to me through the four separate conversations and events yesterday:
1.) You are made in my image
2.) Receive my unconditional, unequivocal, radical mind bending/heart altering love for you...NOW!
3.) Start loving and respecting yourself, knowing I designed you PERFECTLY...no mistakes here.
4.) Surround yourself with those who can 100% embrace what I am doing in you. (incubator style)
5.) My mercies are new every morning...and every moment, it is morning somewhere...get some every time you need it, as often as you need it...don't worry, it's unending.
6.) My calling on your life is not contingent upon any other person's approval of you...mine is the only one you need...YOU'VE GOT IT!
7.) Walk with your head held high, like you know Who's you are!
8.) All of this junk in your life you have been battling... focus most of your effort on getting 1-7 down pat and I'm working on the junk for you. I've got you, son!
Friday, May 17, 2013
7 Days Sexual Purity...START OVER! AHHH!!
So, I slipped up on my commitment to the 7 days of sexual purity. ....Really? The day after I posted about it. ...TODAY. But, I want to kick this thing in the teeth. It thinks it has me by the balls...and I guess it has. That is why I am posting this publicly. I am starting my 7 day cleanse over right now.
It will not have total power over me! Darkness, secrecy, shame, hidden places....these are my enemies. I cried over my disappointment in myself...I let myself feel the disappointment...I turned it over to God...I am walking on in hope.
This is a big one for me. I really do need all the prayer help I can get. I am tired of being a slave to sex and drugs. I am learning to go through my feelings and fears and not escape them.
My prayer: Daddy-God, help me to walk in your EMPOWERING PRESENCE...take away my shame...I can't carry it...show me who I am...remind me that there is a better life...remind of the price you paid for my freedom...continue to show me a picture of a life outside of slavery. I need you...and I want to be close to you, even when my actions don't prove it. Be near me...comfort me...strengthen me...make me ok.
God help me today and through these next 7 days.
It will not have total power over me! Darkness, secrecy, shame, hidden places....these are my enemies. I cried over my disappointment in myself...I let myself feel the disappointment...I turned it over to God...I am walking on in hope.
This is a big one for me. I really do need all the prayer help I can get. I am tired of being a slave to sex and drugs. I am learning to go through my feelings and fears and not escape them.
My prayer: Daddy-God, help me to walk in your EMPOWERING PRESENCE...take away my shame...I can't carry it...show me who I am...remind me that there is a better life...remind of the price you paid for my freedom...continue to show me a picture of a life outside of slavery. I need you...and I want to be close to you, even when my actions don't prove it. Be near me...comfort me...strengthen me...make me ok.
God help me today and through these next 7 days.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
SEX - I Don't Want To Be Your B*tch Anymore!
Well, since crystal meth is known to be a sex related drug, it stands to reason that I would have some issues surrounding - SEX. I can't believe I am writing this and I may or may not crawl under a rock after I publish it....
But here goes...
I have come to the realization that much of my drug use is completely intertwined with compulsive sex issues. I am not necessarily talking about identity or gender issues (at the moment), but about living a life that inordinately revolves around thinking about sex, seeking out sex, fantasizing about sex, visual and physical stimulation in real life and internet... and 'acting out'. ('acting out' is the more palatable way of saying 'engaging in sexual behavior')
God made sex, but I am pretty sure He didn't intend for me to spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy immersed in it. When I was living in Los Angeles, during my drug use, I was exposed to a lot of stuff that is hard to shake off. It is kind of like the drugs...it gives a momentary stimulation and provides an escape from reality and whatever emotion or issue in life, I don't want to deal with.
After so much time engaging in unhealthy sexual behavior (internet and 'acting out'), I feel like I can't survive without it. I need it. I crave it...just like the drug.
I compare it to drugs because it has a similar pattern and affect: High and pleasure...then disappointment over the lack of satisfaction and diminished self esteem. Anything that has control over me diminishes my self esteem. It basically looks at me and says, "Guess what? ...You are my b*tch!"
SO...
I have started walking out a process of being open and accountable about my sexual compulsion. I have begun a 7 day purity cleanse...(I named it that..ha). I have committed to 7 days of abstaining from every kind of unhealthy sexual stimulation: internet visuals and 'acting out'. Today is my third day. Interestingly, I seem to have a lot more time on my hands and I already feel a 100 times more creative and clear headed.
I realize that writing all of this might make me seem like a total pervert, but I don't care. I am walking away from judging myself, condemning myself and being ashamed. God is walking me into a new era and I am just trying to be obedient to walk in the light that He provides.
So, 7 days is what I can handle right now. But, I know that God doesn't want me to be sexual compulsion's b*tch. He wants me to be His son, His heir, His friend....so He's going to help me through this.
If you feel like joining me for the next 4 days, as an act of solidarity and support, please do. I am hopeful!
But here goes...
I have come to the realization that much of my drug use is completely intertwined with compulsive sex issues. I am not necessarily talking about identity or gender issues (at the moment), but about living a life that inordinately revolves around thinking about sex, seeking out sex, fantasizing about sex, visual and physical stimulation in real life and internet... and 'acting out'. ('acting out' is the more palatable way of saying 'engaging in sexual behavior')
God made sex, but I am pretty sure He didn't intend for me to spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy immersed in it. When I was living in Los Angeles, during my drug use, I was exposed to a lot of stuff that is hard to shake off. It is kind of like the drugs...it gives a momentary stimulation and provides an escape from reality and whatever emotion or issue in life, I don't want to deal with.
After so much time engaging in unhealthy sexual behavior (internet and 'acting out'), I feel like I can't survive without it. I need it. I crave it...just like the drug.
I compare it to drugs because it has a similar pattern and affect: High and pleasure...then disappointment over the lack of satisfaction and diminished self esteem. Anything that has control over me diminishes my self esteem. It basically looks at me and says, "Guess what? ...You are my b*tch!"
SO...
I have started walking out a process of being open and accountable about my sexual compulsion. I have begun a 7 day purity cleanse...(I named it that..ha). I have committed to 7 days of abstaining from every kind of unhealthy sexual stimulation: internet visuals and 'acting out'. Today is my third day. Interestingly, I seem to have a lot more time on my hands and I already feel a 100 times more creative and clear headed.
I realize that writing all of this might make me seem like a total pervert, but I don't care. I am walking away from judging myself, condemning myself and being ashamed. God is walking me into a new era and I am just trying to be obedient to walk in the light that He provides.
So, 7 days is what I can handle right now. But, I know that God doesn't want me to be sexual compulsion's b*tch. He wants me to be His son, His heir, His friend....so He's going to help me through this.
If you feel like joining me for the next 4 days, as an act of solidarity and support, please do. I am hopeful!
Galatians 5:1 The Message (MSG)
"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone [or anything] put a harness of slavery on you.?
Sunday, May 12, 2013
...At The End Of My Rope
I was driving to a recovery meeting tonight and half way there I just started sobbing. I felt so sad...so lost...so afraid.
...Sad because I see so much beauty around me...people at church with smiling faces who seem to know who they are...parents enjoying a marriage that they are confident is blessed by God...heck, the man in camouflage in the truck beside me....
THEY SEEM TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE and where they belong. I don't.
...Lost because I don't feel like I know where I am going...where my current path is leading me...whether the direction I am going is another dead end path or the one that leads me to wholeness and peace.
...Afraid because I cannot bear the thought of hoping and believing and trusting and surrendering and standing in faith again, to end up, once again, in disillusionment.
But...
What if all that I have experienced...the hoping, the disappointment, the confusion, the believing, the rejecting of faith, the life running from God, the heart pain all along the way....what if it is all part of God's great CONSPIRACY OF HOPE for my life?
You see, I am familiar with "conspiracy thoughts." One of the affects of crystal meth is acute paranoia and delusion. After this last relapse, I have had to daily (many times a day) battle paranoid thoughts... thoughts that the people around me are conspiring against me to harm me...from the person on the sidewalk talking on their cell phone to the car following behind me to the long-time friend. It sucks and makes me afraid.
However, in light of the fact that I am a child of the Father of the universe, I am giving myself a different perspective: There is a conspiracy! God has orchestrated a great Conspiracy of Hope for my life! He is using everything, everyone, every situation, every disappointment, every misstep, every connection, every prayer that goes out from my heart, every prayer that is prayed on my behalf, all of the confusion in my heart and mind, every last darn thing...I believe (I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE), God is conspiring to walk me right into the purpose, peace, fulfillment, joy, love, and power, that I thought was beyond my reach.
Well, maybe it is out of my reach...but it is not out of God's reach. It is all a matter of perspective and I choose to believe that I can trust God with my life, that I am protected in His arms, that my life will have purpose and meaning, that God will define who I am and what my purpose is to be. It is ok that I don't understand how it all works out. God does and if I caught a glimpse of it, I would probably mess it up. I just need to let go! ...let go of how I always thought it should be ....how other people say my life needs to be ...what a blessed life looks like ...what it looks like to be 'right'.
I CAN'T...GOD CAN...I THINK I'LL LET HIM!
...Sad because I see so much beauty around me...people at church with smiling faces who seem to know who they are...parents enjoying a marriage that they are confident is blessed by God...heck, the man in camouflage in the truck beside me....
THEY SEEM TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE and where they belong. I don't.
...Lost because I don't feel like I know where I am going...where my current path is leading me...whether the direction I am going is another dead end path or the one that leads me to wholeness and peace.
...Afraid because I cannot bear the thought of hoping and believing and trusting and surrendering and standing in faith again, to end up, once again, in disillusionment.
But...
What if all that I have experienced...the hoping, the disappointment, the confusion, the believing, the rejecting of faith, the life running from God, the heart pain all along the way....what if it is all part of God's great CONSPIRACY OF HOPE for my life?
You see, I am familiar with "conspiracy thoughts." One of the affects of crystal meth is acute paranoia and delusion. After this last relapse, I have had to daily (many times a day) battle paranoid thoughts... thoughts that the people around me are conspiring against me to harm me...from the person on the sidewalk talking on their cell phone to the car following behind me to the long-time friend. It sucks and makes me afraid.
However, in light of the fact that I am a child of the Father of the universe, I am giving myself a different perspective: There is a conspiracy! God has orchestrated a great Conspiracy of Hope for my life! He is using everything, everyone, every situation, every disappointment, every misstep, every connection, every prayer that goes out from my heart, every prayer that is prayed on my behalf, all of the confusion in my heart and mind, every last darn thing...I believe (I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE), God is conspiring to walk me right into the purpose, peace, fulfillment, joy, love, and power, that I thought was beyond my reach.
Well, maybe it is out of my reach...but it is not out of God's reach. It is all a matter of perspective and I choose to believe that I can trust God with my life, that I am protected in His arms, that my life will have purpose and meaning, that God will define who I am and what my purpose is to be. It is ok that I don't understand how it all works out. God does and if I caught a glimpse of it, I would probably mess it up. I just need to let go! ...let go of how I always thought it should be ....how other people say my life needs to be ...what a blessed life looks like ...what it looks like to be 'right'.
I CAN'T...GOD CAN...I THINK I'LL LET HIM!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
My stumbling...His glory
I hate to be honest about it but it is the best thing for me. I used again. I know all the reasons why I shouldn't and I know everyone else wants to slap me upside the head and yell 'wake up...grow up'. I couldn't agree more.
The depression and anxiety gets worse with each relapse. I couldn't even sleep in my own room because of the extreme anxiety.
What is it I am looking for? I have all that I need already. I am not going to over analyze it. I just have to remind myself that God says I am worth it and even if everyone else gives up on me...He never will.
I want to know God's goodness in the land of the living. I want to know what it is to truly walk in freedom from addiction and self loathing.
My prayer is that God will use every tear...every stumble...every lesson...to make me stronger and bring hope, healing, and freedom to another struggler.
God help me and bring your mercy to those who aren't even seeking it.
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