Driving to Get Drugs & Sex...God's Tears

There are several routes I can take to get home from work.  I must have looked like I was insane...turning this way then that way.  I kept making turns to follow what my mind was telling me.  Go 'this way' and you can just see if there is the possibility of getting drugs.  Turn 'that way' and go straight home as quickly as possible.  Go 'this way' and maybe have a sexual encounter.  Go 'that way' and get far enough toward home that this will subside.  Go 'this way', because you don't have to do anything...you can just check it out.  Go 'that way' because you have never been able to check it out without doing it.

I turned on my Kirk Franklin music and listened to the song "I AM".  The song mentions that, "I am so far from perfect...I thought life was worthless...until you showed me who I am...not here by mistake...now love called me, Grace."

I found nothing to keep me from using drugs, engaging in demoralizing sex and destructive behavior except for the belief that God has a purpose for me and I can only discover that as I walk listening to His voice.  I made it home.

I sometimes serve tables where people are discussing important things:  How to guide the city in this direction...how to market this for maximum impact...how to maximize sales for company-wide growth.  It seems like these people have a sense of great purpose.  I want one.

I want to feel like what I do matters.  I want to feel like my life is significant.  I want to feel like it is rolling in a specific direction, gaining momentum and will be like a giant snowball rushing through humanity.

Maybe those thoughts are selfish and self absorbed.  I just want to know that I matter.  I know I matter to God, but then I might as well be with Him.  I would be removed from all of this struggle, pain, confusion and sadness.  If God is keeping me here on this earth, there must be a reason. 

I don't think I have any answers today.  I am looking out my window and I can see that it is raining...storming actually.  I imagine that the rain is God's tears and they fall down on me and join my tears and wash me, cleans me and hold me.  I just think I need to be held sometimes.  That is what the rain is to me, today...God holding me.