Since I had the porn blocker installed on my computer and my phone, it's like internal mayhem. This was like, the last escape mechanism I had. My sponsor has constantly repeated to me that I will find anything and everything as a tool to escape dealing with life and difficult emotions, and numb out.
Yeah, yeah yeah...I get it. UMMMM, no I didn't. I kept feeling like my life without Crystal Meth was shaping up and I was starting to feel some noticeable benefit from sobriety. However, I made the difficult decision to deal with the sexual side of my addiction. A content blocker seemed to be a logical step in reigning in the beast and trying to deal with whatever is going on.
Whoah, the past three days I have had incredible urges to get high...on my way home from work, it crosses my mind that I can't get that stimulation fix when I get home, so I start thinking about that initial rush when I stick the needle in my arm. Sucks! I have laid down to go to bed the last three nights and as soon as I close my eyes, all these horrible memories of using, getting paranoid, being used and abused...anger and hatred at the aggressors, fear of what might come, afraid because I am still afraid....what the &%^&^!!!! ...I guess a lot of stuff is coming up that I have been numbing out or escaping.
So, last night, exhausted and broken, I started talking to God... I was like,
"God, seriously...I am not sure what I am supposed to do with all of this? ...I am trying to make the right decisions, but I end up sleepless, paranoid, flashbacks, stomach problems, fever blisters on my lips, and wanting to use more than ever. I need your help. I know now....I really know that you love me and are leading me into a beautiful life and that you love me just the way I am...so, I need your healing presence. I need your empowering grace, I need to remember that all authority in heaven, on earth and below the earth is yours....and I should feel no shame in coming to you boldly to ask for you to move on my behalf. Hey, You said it, Hebrews 4:16 (NLT) So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
....So I am here and I need You...fight on my behalf...I know that because of what Jesus did, I have authority...I know that according to Isaiah 54:17 no weapon forged against me will prevail, and I will refute every tongue that accuses me. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is my vindication from God, says God...as a matter of fact, Psalm 91:7 says, Though a thousand fall at my side, though ten thousand are dying around me, these evils will not touch me. Oh yeah, 1 John 4:4, The Spirit of God in me is, hands down, infinitely greater than any spirit that tries to get at me here in this world.
Ohhhh, what was that you nasty little devil sitting on my shoulder? ....did you just tell me that my life is judged and condemned and I will always live life at the bottom, struggling? .....yeah, I thought that's what you said.
I guess I will have to remind you that I read that little bit in Galatians 2:20 that said, My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me....
Whoomp, there it is!!! Holler at that!!! ...and I ain't no holler back, boy!!! ...so get to steppin'!!!
Thanks God...You ROCK!!! ...Amen!"
Well, that's basically how it went down last night in my bed at 2AM. It worked. All of that crap in my head and heart was cleared. So, I stepped out onto the back porch, had a cigarette, went back to my bed and fell right to sleep.
Did I have to deal with that crap in my head again today? Yep...but I knew what to do with it. I know it will get easier and I will get on the other side of some of this initial pain and struggle. But these are the lessons that will make the way for further growth, greater victory and lasting peace.
Grateful for the lesson...respectful of the pain...finding purpose in it all!!
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