I'm sick of Christianity. I am sick of all the rules and norms that are so widely held on to that define who is going to heaven and who is not. I didn't say that I am sick of God or what God thinks of me...or what He wants for me. I just think it is really easy to say, "this is how God wants it"...when your life easily slides right into that mold.
Well, what about all of the people...like me...who don't fit that mold? What about people who love God and desperately want the peace, beauty and ultimate purpose that comes from a deeply personal relationship with Him...but are told, "You cannot!"
All of my struggles with drugs, sex, addiction, codependency, self-loathing and destructive behavior come from a deeply rooted belief that something is wrong with me that cannot be fixed. I have been through so many inner-healing sessions, programs, years of intense reparative therapy, casting out demons, binding, releasing, begging, praying, fasting, washing, deals with God.... I can't tell you the number of times I have laid on a bathroom floor with my knees to my chest, crying out to God to please change me or take my life. When I was a young teenager, I would sometimes make a commitment to God that I would pray for a solid hour every day when the other kids or my brothers were playing...if he would please make me normal and ok. I remember creating rituals of taking a shower and scrubbing myself and praying (begging) for God to cleanse me and change me. I promised God during college that I would deprive myself of ever loving and being loved for His sake.
I JUST WANTED, FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, TO FEEL UNASHAMED BEFORE GOD.
I believe in the bible 'God's Word' as much as any Christian. ...maybe more than some. I seek God in His Word...I need for Him to reveal Himself to me...my life and eternity depend on it. I have been seeking God with every bit of honesty and passion within me. And, unlike years past, I have come to God asking for Him to reveal His will for me...not everyone else's. It is God's Word...It is God's world...and I am His. I have come to understand that He desires for me to know the truth and have His presence, love, acceptance and purposes infinitely more than, even, I do.
It is amazing what God has been bringing my way, when I stop shoving my lifetime of 'what I always thought' down His throat and I just listen...honestly...with an open heart. You see, I told God that I want His will in my life...whatever that may be. But, I started with complete openness. I am not starting with an end result in mind or what I think that He thinks should happen. It was clear that I had no idea. So, I just listened...
Over the past few weeks, in so many ways, God has been revealing His heart to me...for me. I am not totally ready to share exactly what God has been showing me or what that might mean for me. But, I do know that you can know a tree by it's fruit. A tree that is healthy and increasing in health, will produce good fruit. A tree that is unhealthy and declining in health will produce more and more bad fruit. I am a tree that is being pruned back and maybe has that stake tied to it...holding it up. I am a tree being watered by God's presence and fed by His word. I am growing...and I believe that my fruit will speak for itself...Good or Bad.
Jeff thanks for writing this. I think that what you are describing is true Christianity. The only mold to fill is the life of Jesus as our example. And we can only fill that mold by his grace. You are right. Sometimes we try to fit people and ourselves into a mold that is extra biblical and even unbiblical. I am always amazed at his grace extended to us when none of us deserve it. Even the grace he extends to the church that sometimes puts undue pressure on us to perform. His grace covers all our sins thankfully and enables all of us to be reconciled to him and one another. His grace is all that we need and motivates us to want to be more like Jesus with each passing day and to tell people of the amazing freedom in Christ and true Christianity the way Jesus modeled to us.
ReplyDeleteMiss you bro. Hope to see you again soon.
Thank you, Billy. It has been forever. Sometimes it is hard to think of the being reconciled with each other...that part. The whole thing can seem tough sometimes. But, you are right. Thank you for your encouragement.
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ReplyDeleteWell said Jeff! And Blile! The only person's expectations we need to fulfill in life is God's. We don't even have to fulfill our own. There is a huge gap growing between Christianity and atheists, gays, and anyone else who doesn't fit the "mold". If you look at the life of Christ, he constantly offended the religious and hung out with outcasts. That doesn't sound like today's church. Christians have created their own subculture and stay away from people who live "in sin" blacklisting the people who need to know Christ's love. That sounds more like the Pharisees. Grace is a beautiful and liberating thing.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Shari. :-)
DeleteGod is the only one who can speak to our hearts and shed light on our path. Our job is to love one another and extend Christ's arms of love. Sometimes it seems like we want to do the judging part and God will do the loving arms part. Thank you for the encouragement.