I have a small growth...I just noticed it shortly after my relapse. I thought nothing of it at first, but it seems to be growing rapidly. After all I have been through, could this be real? Could my life really be about to change forever?
It started about 1/16 of an inch in diameter, which is common for a mustard seed grain. It is of the smallest seeds on the planet, but that's the one I have....as a matter of fact, it is all I have...a tiny seed of faith...
I have this one little speck of faith...faith that God is actually capable of directing my life toward wholeness, faith that there is a power at work inside me changing everything...faith that God created me intentionally...faith that I am not a mistake.
I don't have a lot of faith...I just have a little bit. But the faith that I do have is REAL. See, my faith is tested daily, sometimes hourly. I have to rely on what I believe to be true of God and myself just to survive. The second I question it, I am surely hours away from having a needle in my arm, delusion in my mind, fear in my heart, straps around my body in a sanitarium van, or laying on a bed of satin with six feet of dirt on top.
This little bitty faith I have is what I am clinging to...but it is growing. I learned from my parent's that if I had faith even as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible to me. Interestingly, that tiny seed of faith seems to be growing quickly, as I water it with actions that affirm my belief and provide the good soil of surrender. I don't really feel like I am doing a whole lot to grow my faith, but I am making sure that I am reading and listening to God's words...at least some.
It seems like God takes what seems to be almost miniscule faith and barely existent hope and performs some sort of miracle. ....I mean, I'm not complaining. It is just surprising, I guess. Maybe that is one of God's favorite things...creating something out of nothing...turns out, He is the only one who can do that.
Matthew 17:20 (NIV)
Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
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ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I know the God, our God, that you are speaking of. Totally blessed and inspired by your post! Prayers, blessings, and great love to you as you continue on His path
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Jeff:
ReplyDeleteYou must always remember his promise...he shall never leave you nor forsake you. For those that know him young at heart shall always find their way back to him, regardless of your path traveled.
Just as I spoke to your Mom two Sunday's ago, God will make his true presence known in his timing. It will be one that you shall know beyond shadow of doubt, you know that you know that you know, it was a definite presence of God. The reason that I know, I have lived similar circumstances with my nephew. Being an only child, a true gift from God, my sister had been advised she would never have any children had the whole world planned for him. Little did she know, he had totally different perspective of his life and began using at the age of 16. In the meantime, he was still playing all the sports and received a full scholorship to several colleges in the Tennessee area; however, by the end of graduation, he accepted none. The obsession had consumed him, living from bedpost to bedpost, and getting by with as little as possible, he was addicted. Giving way to all the dreams and visions that "an only child" could imagine, he chose the drugs. It wasn't until 17 years later that he received a vision during one of his hyped up periods. God allowed him to actually see himself lying in that coffin, dead, as he watched his bystanders mourn over him. The message as he viewed this dream, "this will be my last time I come to you." Immediately upon his "down time" it was one that he knew that he knew he had to do something. Little did he know, his mother received that very same vision that night and after waking up in a cold sweat, she reached out to him...explained her vision she had just witnessed desperately trying to save him. Upon hearing he had received the same dream at the same time, his life changing moment began at that moment. Today, he has been clean for 8 years, married and just recently had his baby boy born. So my dear, don't ever say ever, don't ever give up, and always, always, always keep that growth fertilized. My heart and prayers to you.