Normally, people experience pain and recoil immediately. They touch a hot stove, draw their hand back and don't touch it again. ...not so with addiction. The hot stove is touched...the addict gets burned, and experiences a sensation that is interpreted as 'needed for survival'...satisfaction and fulfillment is not achieved...the addict returns to the hot stove for another attempt at meeting the need. (remember, the need is survival!)
This brings the addict, according to William James (Professor and Author), to find his or her pain threshold. The beauty of this painfully morbid process is that, "For some of them [addicts], the process of reaching that limit becomes the opportunity to effect radical transformation of their lives," says James.
I don't claim to fully understand why I would make choices that place my own life in the throws of hardship, danger and pain...why I would take one chance after another to make things right, and throw each away with greater destruction than the prior...why I would beg for God to forgive me, take me back and change me, then, in an instant, jump willingly out of His hand into the bowels of hell.
While I do not fully understand, I do understand in part. I know that addiction is fraught with deception and delusion. I know that there is an enemy of my soul who wants only to destroy my life and the lives of everyone around me. I know that I have been given the greatest power one could ever be given: THE POWER OF CHOICE.
I Choose to surrender my life and my will over to a Power greater than myself! I Choose to believe that God can restore my life to sanity! I Choose to see the unending grace and mercy of an eternally loving God!
I Choose to walk out of guilt, condemnation, self-loathing, self-pity, denial, secrecy, dishonesty, bitterness, blame, insecurity, defensiveness, protecting myself with brashness and pride, covering up the beauty that God has placed in me!!!!
I Choose to walk into the LIGHT!!!!! I Choose to walk into the goodness and blessing of an intrinsically GOOD God!!!!!
I have a choice...I Choose HOPE
Romans 5:5 (NIV)
"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
This is a great insight...I don't think anyone other than an addict can truly understand the mental torment an addict battles each day. I am not an addict but I am married to a man who battles mental torment associated with mental illness who has chosen self destruction in response to that torment. I can not truly understand why he has tried to end his life more than once and as recent as a couple of years ago. Especially because he does know God and has a relationship with his son, Jesus Christ. But I realize that unless I can experience his torment and the thoughts he struggles with each day, I cannot understand. Without medication for his illness, he would continue down the path of self destruction and most likely end his life. If he did not have prescription drugs he would seek out other types of drugs or alcohol as he has done in the past. I believe prayer is powerful and that God is in the middle of it all which is why I pray for him every day. I will also keep you in my prayers because I understand your struggle and I know God has not given up on you any more than he has given up on my husband. Thank you for your wonderful posts that describe what you are going through because I know it may help others with the same struggles.
ReplyDeleteJeff, we, like your parents, (who are our friends), are ministers with a son who is a meth addict. Like you, our son struggles every day with similar thoughts and is always striving to find that inner peace. God has made you for a purpose...you are not a mistake....sometimes, preachers kids feel that they have to live up to the life of their parents and their environment or "box" as my son calls it... God put you on this earth for a reason....He knew the unique qualities within you would challenge the "system"...there is nothing wrong with being unique...you have to find who YOU are and learn to grow in that! A verse that I gave to my son is this: "I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me (I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency!) " Phil 4:13 AMP You are uniquely YOU...not your parents, not your siblings....YOU! You do have HOPE...you do have STRENGTH to choose wisely! When you live to God's expectations and not anyone else's, you will find that inner peace! BPearce
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