I Was Offered the Really Good Sh*t

I got off work yesterday and went by the gas station to pick up a pack of cigarettes. (my sponsor told me to quit one thing at a time...LOL) The guy in front of me finished paying, turned around and asked me how I was doing...how nice! ...then he said, "I've got some really good sh*t...I got REALLY good sh*t...I got the good sh*t man."

In one second, I was thinking how nice the world was treating me.  The next second, my heart started racing, I felt a knot in my stomach and I just wanted to know what kind of sh*t  I thought...well, I don't want to do anything, but I could at least ask what kind of stuff it is so I know if it is meth, weed, heroin, blow, crack, etc. 

I felt like I had two race horses inside of me and someone had fired off a gun...the problem was that the horses were going in two different directions and I felt like I was falling apart. I remembered that I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING! ..it didn't feel like peace...it felt like anxiety...it felt like worry...it didn't feel like a place of being at rest.  At the moment, that is how I know if I am not walking in surrender and alignment with God.

All of these thoughts happened within a matter 10 seconds. I answered, "No man, I used to do the good sh*t...now I'm CLEAN...and I don't need that sh*t!

I called my sponsor on the way home and told him what happened...I wish at that moment all the desire to use went away, but it didn't.  It took about an hour for the intense feeling to go away.

I could have asked what he was selling...but my sponsor told me a while back, "FEED THE DOG YOU WANT TO GET BIGGER."  I want the dog of addiction and destruction to get smaller.  I want the dog of surrendered, God centered living to get bigger.

That dog of addiction will die...#tryingtostarvethedog