I flew to Los Angeles to run away from everyone and everything. I didn't use in LA. As I began to come to my senses, I realized that I couldn't run...I couldn't hide...I had to face it. I needed to face life on life's terms. I needed to come before God, my family, my friends, MYSELF, and confess that I blew it!
I FELL DOWN...
You see, I let a little space inside me be hidden...secret...just a little thing that I was supposed to be honest about. I had committed to myself and my sponsor that I would not have any contact, whatsoever, with those from my using past.
It was around 60 days of sobriety that I reconnected with a using friend of mine. I didn't use and this friend told me that our connection was helping keep him stay clean and sober. I thought it would be ok...but I could not tell my sponsor about it. He wouldn't understand. It was right then, that I created a dark, hidden place inside of me that would grow...rob me of my confidence...give space for other secrets, dishonesty, darkness. I didn't know it at the time, but using would be inevitable, I had already started down the road to relapse....and I did. But....
I GOT UP...
March 28th is my new sobriety date. It has taken over a week for me to regain the strength to get out of bed and get around like normal.
...I am committed to be rigorously honest with myself, God, my sponsor, and others.
...I am surrendered to God to do in me whatever He wants, no matter how it seems to me.
...I am broken, knowing that I cannot make it on my own. I need help
...I am hopeful, standing in the promise that the God of my understanding will never leave me or forsake me, knows my end from the beginning, will complete the work He has begun in me, will renew my mind as I surround myself with His words, will catch the tears that fall from my eyes and turn them into hope, will fill my heart with a joy that I do not deserve and that I cannot understand.
Proverbs 24:16 (Message)
Don’t interfere with good people’s lives;
don’t try to get the best of them.
No matter how many times you trip them up,
God-loyal people don’t stay down long;
Soon they’re up on their feet,
I FELL DOWN...
You see, I let a little space inside me be hidden...secret...just a little thing that I was supposed to be honest about. I had committed to myself and my sponsor that I would not have any contact, whatsoever, with those from my using past.
It was around 60 days of sobriety that I reconnected with a using friend of mine. I didn't use and this friend told me that our connection was helping keep him stay clean and sober. I thought it would be ok...but I could not tell my sponsor about it. He wouldn't understand. It was right then, that I created a dark, hidden place inside of me that would grow...rob me of my confidence...give space for other secrets, dishonesty, darkness. I didn't know it at the time, but using would be inevitable, I had already started down the road to relapse....and I did. But....
I GOT UP...
March 28th is my new sobriety date. It has taken over a week for me to regain the strength to get out of bed and get around like normal.
...I am committed to be rigorously honest with myself, God, my sponsor, and others.
...I am surrendered to God to do in me whatever He wants, no matter how it seems to me.
...I am broken, knowing that I cannot make it on my own. I need help
...I am hopeful, standing in the promise that the God of my understanding will never leave me or forsake me, knows my end from the beginning, will complete the work He has begun in me, will renew my mind as I surround myself with His words, will catch the tears that fall from my eyes and turn them into hope, will fill my heart with a joy that I do not deserve and that I cannot understand.
Proverbs 24:16 (Message)
Don’t interfere with good people’s lives;
don’t try to get the best of them.
No matter how many times you trip them up,
God-loyal people don’t stay down long;
Soon they’re up on their feet,
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to see you mastering your journey and this thing called life! Keep pushing forward and upward. You have more with you than against you. What's inside is greater than the challenge in front of you. I stand on this saying when things get rough for me - “You were born with everything you need to answer the call of your soul.” — Marie Forleo
Know that I love you sir! You are always in my prayers and thoughts.
Be Well....xoxoxo
Norman
Jeff,
ReplyDeleteGetting up is much more important than falling down. As long as you fight there is always hope, it is when you quit and give in that the war is lost.
We are all in a war, it will last as long as we live and it rages differently in each of our lives. What may be my biggest struggle will not bother others and vice versa. Don't be ashamed. We may fight different battles but those of us who know Christ know what we are fighting for is the same.
Paul tells us the present struggle we are in is not even worthy to be compared with joy that is ours when the battle ends. Until then, we have the peace to know that our Lord Jesus and our brothers and sisters in the fight stand readily beside us always ready to pick us up even when we falter.
I love you man, I see you no different than I always have. I see you as a true light of God called to touch so many others. To whom much is given much is required but would we want it any other way? Keep smiling, keep singing, keep fighting....
Jonathan
That's it, Jeff, you got it. Satan operates in the darkness and can't be in the Light. It's something I had to learn in my marriage, that I can't have "little secrets." Keep shining the light on your situation. Glad to see you back. Know that many people are praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove you, man, glad to see you back,
Loren
Wow. I'd love to have a fraction of the courage you displayed coming out with this story. Glad you're better now. Keep coming back.
ReplyDeleteThat is so raw, so truthful. You fell and got up. I'm thankful for that. I have a friend whose son accidentally committed suicide after being clean for 6 months and then going out looking for some old friends and fun. He shot up at the rate he was using when he quit and his system couldn't handle it. He was a nice 24 year old who had spent his 6 clean months working with the young people at his church. I've never seen such devastation. Glad you are back up and moving forward. God Bless You.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteMr. Shelton
ReplyDeleteWe do not know each other, however we are each other. We have a mutual friend in Dave Tebeau, I read what you write from his FB page. 'I have been there and I have done that.'
I thank God my road has not been as difficult as yours, or maybe it was and I just did not know.
I thank God He gave the strength me to just walk away and be here right now. I didn't know God could be there for me when I was sick, I didn't learn that for many years after I had finished relenting to our enemy.
God helped me learn that life will always be one day at a time none of us are guaranteed anything beyond the minute we are in. It's very hard to live life a day at a time however it is all God really gives us, the prince of thieves, our enemy gives us the rest.
I am truly hoping He gives you the same strength He gave me.
Michael George