The last two mornings, I woke up feeling far from God. I feel like a sinner. I don't feel that fresh rush of gratitude in my heart. I don't feel like, "I'm doing it - Great!"
There are only two explanations for this:
Scenario 1) I have separated myself from God somehow and I am living outside of His mercy and grace
Scenario 2) I just feel like I have separated myself from God somehow but I am actually right where I need to be.
At first, I thought, "well great, I am either on a road straight to heaven or straight to hell...that narrows it down...perfect."
Then, I thought I might just write down what would be the appropriate response, on my part, for each scenario.
Appropriate Response to Scenario 1) Don't self judge and feel condemned, because God is judge and there is no condemnation in God...just stop and acknowledge that my desire is to surrender to God and have His will done in my life today...walk in gratitude that I am actually ok, whether I feel it or not.
Appropriate Response to Scenario 2) Don't self judge and feel condemned, because God is judge and there is no condemnation in God...just stop and acknowledge that my desire is to surrender to God and have His will done in my life today...walk in gratitude that I am actually ok, whether I feel like it or not.
Hmmmm....turns out, my response to either situation is THE SAME. I don't need to concern myself with responding to how I feel. My feelings about myself, the world, God, my future, and my past change daily...and sometimes hourly. I should concern myself with responding to the unchanging truth of God:
God loves me and wants relationship with me more than I could ever want it with Him. He is more concerned with me becoming free of condemnation than He is condemning me. No matter how far I feel removed from God's grace and mercy, I can't outrun it, travel so far that I will be out of it's reach, or comprehend it's unending, all encompassing nature.
I DON'T GET IT! .....BUT I DON'T CARE! ,,,IT IS THE REASON I LIVE AND HAVE HOPE FOR TODAY AND TOMORROW!
Jeff....He is more concerned with me becoming free of condemnation than He is condemning me. I believe that this statement is exactly correct. As a recovering person myself and a person who struggles daily with the chaos from the outside world- I believe it is vitally important for us to get that! I personally think your doing an awesome job LiveJournaling/blogging your emotions and actually FEELING them- God is proud because you are walking this thing out ( I understand this is a beginning for you ) I have been in recovery for 11 1/2 yrs and this is a step that alot of recovering people don't get...... My family and I wish you well on your journey and we will continue to read your blog because this helps me also in continuing my road and path- God's path !!!! Christine Collier
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