Do I Really Want To Be Well?

I know how to hide from people when I am ashamed of my life.  I know how to get my drug of choice, no matter where I am.  I know how to shoot it up.  I know how to lie to get what I want. I know how to feel sorry for myself when I notice that everyone around me seems to have a better life than me. I know how to drown my pain in alcohol, drugs, sex and risky behavior.

I know how to live life at the bottom.

What I don't know, is how to live life on the way up.  I heard Gloria Gaither say that Jesus asked a man, who had been laying by a pool known to have healing powers, an interesting question.... "Do you want to be well?"

Ummm...the man had been laying there for years, begging for people to dip him in the pool. He wanted to be well, right? 

Well, he had also spent those years begging for money, begging for pity, begging for handouts...He, basically, learned how to live life as a lame beggar.  So, I suppose Jesus was asking him if he REALLY wanted to be well, live well...learn a whole new way of living...better, but totally different than everything he knew.

Even though my past was destructive and brought about much pain, it is familiar to me.  I know how to do it...I know what it looks like...I know what to expect.

Maybe I am being asked, "Do you want to be well?" ...I have to remind myself everyday, I DO!
Every emotion seems unfamiliar...Every decision leaves me exhausted...Every moment of joy is met with my critical eye, looking for the hammer to drop.

But, this is my time...I can take up my 'lame man's bed' and walk, or I can revert to what I know and is strangely comfortable to me.

I want to be well.  I want to live well.  So, I will walk the unknown path...I will surrender to being taught how to live this way...and I will be grateful for the joys, the pain and the growth.
...just for today!