There have been many consequences of my drug use. I have caused much pain, put myself in positions that risk my health and life, sacrificed my morals and dignity, stolen money from my parents, lied to cover my shame, lost my job, lost my health insurance, lost the trust of all those close to me, given up the hope of singing, or making anything remarkable of my life. Why would I do that?
When I was trying to pursue God with all my heart, in years past, I felt like I was trying to spin a thousand plates in the air and the consequence for dropping the plates was damnation...in this life and the next. But I could only keep them spinning for so long. And I hated myself for not being able to change.
...so I gave up...
I figured I was not capable of being pleasing to God. I tried to make something of myself and build a life that was bareable. ...but even though I had a great job, great healthy friends and someone who loved me, I couldn't be alone with my thoughts.
I had to escape and numb...alcohol, drugs, meaningless sex. When I was high in my escapes, I felt pleasure and didn't think about my hopelessly damned life.
Even though I have known for most of my life what life is supposed to be about, I am now starting to understand that I was never supposed to spin the plates. I was just supposed ask God to take over and lead me...no expectations to be met except complete surrender. No change to be accomplished except for the change that is formed in me by virtue of my close proximity to the heart of Jesus.
I no longer have to figure out how to be pleasing to God. I just understand that my heart turned toward Him and life surrendered to Him means I am in the epicenter of His will and have never been more pleasing to Him. God loves me. I love Him.
And...Nothing...No one...can change my Father's love for me.
Thank you mom and dad for giving me living examples of God's unfailing love.
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