I am supposed to celebrate 90 days clean from drugs tomorrow.
But...
I am currently having an insane craving to use. I became frustrated over a small issue at my sober living house and immediately had the urge to get high. I decided to go straight to a meeting...I went, but I left a little early because I couldn't sit still and my heart felt like it was racing, not to mention my thoughts. I have come up with several scenarios of how I could get high...then, of course, I had to start thinking about how I would cover it up
...then I became angry, because I can never really hide it. (When I use, I look like a deer caught in headlights, mixed with a zombie, mixed with the spin cycle on a washing machine)
So, I called my sponsor and got his voicemail. I texted a couple sober people and they responded with encouragement. I want to punch a wall, cry my eyes out, scream my head off....but most of all, I just want to get really, really high.
This would be typical for me to throw it all away right before a big moment.
.....Ha Ha!! ....I guess God is reading what I am writing, as I write it. My dad just called to see how I am doing, just after I finished writing the previous line. I explained how I felt and we talked about it. He encouraged me to acknowledge how I am feeling, but take control of my thoughts by telling myself NO! ....out loud.
NO! ...my thoughts do not control me!
NO! ...I don't have to throw my life away!
NO! ...I am not a victim, alone and hopeless!
YES!!...my life is held in the hands of a loving God and He is ready and willing to help me!
...and this is the verse my dad asked me to read aloud to myself:
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. "
Philippians 4:5-7 (Message Bible)
You are strong, you can stay clean for this minute, and the next, and the next, and you are in the hands of a loving God!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jen! I suppose I will have 90 days after all. I can stay clean right now...and I feel exhausted from the battle the last few hours. But, I know that I will wake up in the morning very grateful.
DeleteJeff, you don't know me and that's not important all right now. Your parents were my pastors for 12+ years and I can personally understand how much they love you and how much they want to see you "truly free" from this addiction. On the flip side, I know "exactly" what you're feeling, and dealing with right now. Why? Because I was addicted to drugs ( I used pot, meth, coke, morphine, quaaludes, opium, hashish, acid, etc.), alcohol, pornography, and only God knows what else back in the late 70's and early 80's. In fact, I almost lost my family prior to God throwing me the life preserver ( which I'm sure He tried to do more than once). I wasn't delivered miraculously overnight either, I had to walk it out just like you're doing. I got so frustrated and exasperated because I was sick and tired of the whole mess, but loved the high, although it was short term and could never be enjoyed because of guilt and knowing I may get busted. I know, that I know, that I know, that my deliverance was just as powerful, and just as much God as if it had been instantaneous. I just want you to know God will not allow you to be destroyed. I know you have a call on your life, you can sing and minister and you genuinely care about people and THAT is WHY the enemy is trying to destroy you. He's deathly afraid of you. Can you understand that? He's deathly afraid of what you're capable of. In closing, remember this. No sin that we ever commit as Christians can be done without us first believing a lie and being deceived by the devil. And God in His just character will personally go after the devil and make him pay for stealing from you. You will overcome this by the blood of the Lamb and the word of YOUR testimony. I will pray for you "when" and "as" the Lord leads me to. God bless you Jeff. You have a bright future, put on your sunglasses because the devil cannot keep you where you are much longer.
ReplyDeleteI LOVED Dennis Botz response. That's good stuff.
ReplyDelete